WITFITS

Oatmeal Flummoxes Me

2012-02-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

Oatmeal. Breakfast staple. Favorite of bonnet wearers and users of the word thee. Drawer of comics.

And perpetually my bane.

I like oatmeal. I like The Oatmeal, too, but that's not what this is about, despite my two (2) references to him so far. It's tasty and filling--the breakfast food, not the cartoonist (3), though you could probably argue a case for the latter.

My problem with oatmeal--and we're talking instant, not big cylindrical can, here, I don't have that kind of time people--my problem with oatmeal focuses mainly on its preparation. Which, honestly, is really half of the whole oatmeal breakfast equation, the other half being eating it, which I sorta have a problem with too. Thrilling, I know. Read on.

I prefer my oatmeal with milk. Creamy, delicious, full of all the calcium a growing boy like myself needs ("Thanks, mom!" Cue me scoring a goal in soccer thanks to my balanced breakfast). Here's how a typical morning goes for me.

1. Wake up. Eventually. Stumble out of bed. Zombie shuffle into the kitchen for something to fuel my weary frame.

2. Rifle through packets of oatmeal until an acceptable flavor is found. This is about five minutes of me pulling out the exact same one I put back until I managed to grab the Brown Sugar one.

3. Tear open packet too close to contents within. Cloud of oats and oatmeal dust™ ensues.

4. Pour into bowl. Throw out packet. Realize I don't know how much liquid to add to oatmeal. Dig
through trash to find packet.

But Kato, you say (say it!), shouldn't you know by now how much milk you need? Well, no, person reading this blog or home invader, I don't. It changes. Sometime it's 1/2 a cup, sometimes it's 3/4 a cup. Once I think it even asked for a hogshead. Though at this point I shouldn't bother, as no matter how much I put in there, it's always the wrong amount (see step 5).

5. (As advertised in Step 4) Put oatmeal and milk concoction in microwave. Set time. Stare at it for awhile then get bored.

Me: I'll just go over here and have some coffee while the milk and oats combine to form Captain Oatmeal. Ooh, look, a bird!
Oatmeal: BLAARGHHHRAAAWR! *boils over*

6. Clean up molten oatmeal explosion. Curse life. Curse oatmeal. Curse John Williams for scoring Duel of the Fates which has been stuck in my head for, let's say, an eternity.

7. Sit down. Attempt to eat oatmeal out of bowl that looks like it had too much mexican for dinner.

8. Burn mouth on MOLTEN OATMEAL. Reach for coffee in panicked attempt to cool mouth. Burn mouth on MOLTEN COFFEE. Curse self. Curse coffee. Curse oatmeal.

9. Wait. Ponder the number of rap songs that have used the simile "hot like lava" (best estimate: 57). Attempt to eat oatmeal.

10. Burn mouth on MOLTEN OATMEAL.

11. Attempt to cool down oatmeal with tears. Wait. An eternity. Wonder what The Oatmeal (4) eats for breakfast, and imagine the irony if he hates oatmeal.

12. Build up courage to try oatmeal again. Attempt to psych self out. Try to lubricate mouth to take advantage of Leidenfrost effect.

13. Close eyes. Try oatmeal. No burning sensation. No real sensation whatsoever due to irrevocably singed taste buds and palette. Deem this acceptable and eat oatmeal.

14. Put bowl in sink full of water to soak (cause, seriously, why aren't we using that shit as an organic concrete alternative?)

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE (I blame Spock)

5. Put oatmeal and milk concoction in microwave. Set time. Stare into its very soul.

Me: You're not boiling over on me you oaty bastard. I'm watching you!
Oatmeal: I cower before your powerful gaze!

6. Oatmeal comes out looking like soup. Wait 5 minutes for some magic evaporative process to take place. One doesn't.

7. Eat cold oatmeal soup. Curse oatmeal. (But retain sense of taste).

The next day it happens all over again.

Maybe I should stick with cereal.

To Answer Your Question...

2011-04-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

I'm really not sure.

Bump

2010-08-09T14:29:00.002-04:00

It works on forum posts, thought it might work here. No?

The Snow Makes Me Wonder (A Poem)

2010-01-04T12:48:00.006-05:00

Drifting. Falling.
Gently cascading.
Little white flakes;
big white flakes.
They dance like wild children,
unhindered by self-consciousness.

It gathers in crooks of trees,
blankets the ground in white,
and makes me ponder,
makes me wonder:

Was it wrong to put that carrot
on the snowman
where his penis would be?

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

2009-12-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. How long have you been watching? An hour? A day? A fortnight?

It doesn't matter. Now that I've seen you, I can begin. Which is to say I can end. Well, not me exactly. The year, really. The decade, even.

The year two thousand and nine (written out of those who hate numerals) has come and is about to go. I can hardly believe it. Can you? Well, of course you can. You are an intelligent person who understands that time passes linearly and that with each day we come closer to the end of a year. That is just how the world works. What I mean is that, it is hard to comprehend that all these days have gone by so quickly. And, yes, I know, the days still pass at the same speed. I am merely describing the sensation. You are very picky today, aren't you?

This year, as many, was full of highs and lows, at least for me. Oh the things I've seen and done. I wish that along the way I was given the ability to share those things with you, for good or for ill, so that we might have experienced them together, and maybe learned a thing or two.

Oh, well, I suppose that is what this edifice is for. Point taken.

Truth be told, I missed you all. You, you, and especially you, and not so much you, and you (and your sister), and to an extent you as well. I miss our little chats. Sometimes I think about writing to you again, just to say hi, but then the words don't come, and the time grows short, and I'm afraid of disappointing you again when the days and the months go by. And often I think of all the things that need to be fixed here--all the things I need to change, and update, and correct, and make better--and my heart grows heavy and my patience grows thin and the feeling of being overwhelmed washes over me. And so I don't.

But I do miss you.

And some of you still came by, just to say hi. And the occasional new visitor stumbled their way upon this almost forgotten archive of fits of wit, and left a little scrawl to show they were here. I saw them all. Thank you for your comments.

Still, my words did at least have some outlet in 2009, if mostly not here. I have traded long-winded exposition for short bursts of observation, opting to slake my creative thirst in 140 characters or less. Even my sometimes nemesis got into the act, though he's been very quiet of late (plotting another evil scheme no doubt).

And then of course there was the very generous offer to host my "humorous" video-game related musings at the ever salacious HawtyMcBloggy.com. For fifteen weeks I did my best to satire the gaming industry... with mixed success (but overwhelmingly positive feedback). At this point, I'm uncertain if it will continue into 2010, but there's a good chance that something from me will grace her pages in the future, couched between Spartan pr0n and crocheted katamari.

I suppose I could wax on here for quite some time, reminiscing about 2009 (remember that great video on YouTube? That was awesome!) and I really want to, but it's time for me to go. And not just because it's almost midnight and this bottle of champagne isn't going to drink itself (even though that would be a neat invention).

So, to the people who I've come to know through this blog (and the people I haven't), and all those great people on the Internet who have enriched my life through their creative endeavors, and really to everyone out there, I wish you a Happy New Year. I hope 2010 brings you happiness, prosperity, and tacos.

Because tacos rule.

Warmest regards,
Kato

Oh, Hey, An Interview!

2009-08-27T10:51:00.003-04:00

For reasons still unclear, blogger Evan 08 asked to interview me. Perhaps he suffered a head injury or maybe it was just a slow news days.

I kid, I kid. I'm self-deprecating, see? Intrigued? Well, then, check out his interview with yours truly over at Witless Protection Program to find out more about the man behind the blog, behind the mask. (Or is that man behind the mask behind the blog. Blog behind the man behind the mask. Something behind the something behind the something. Masked man's behind, blogging... Hippo.)

I'm honored. Thanks for the softballs.

iPhone 3GS Quick Review And Notes

2009-07-09T14:28:00.001-04:00

An early adopter of the first generation iPhone, I eagerly anticipated Apple's announcement earlier this summer of their latest and greatest entry into the smart phone market. I passed on the 3G from last year, for a variety of monetary and practical reasons, figuring I might grab the next iteration. In spite of the Reality Distortion Field, I found Apple's announcement of the iPhone 3GS features and capabilities compelling. A couple of people have asked me how I liked the new version, so I thought I'd jot some of my thoughts down here.

Since I'm upgrading from the 1st gen to the 3GS, it should be pointed out that some of these are improvements that came with the second generation (or are available on the first generation with the latest firmware).

FORM FACTOR
Apple has a reputation for designing sleek devices, though I've always thought their obsession with white made their products look practically antiseptic. The 3GS is identical to the 3G in form factor (as far as I know) and really does feel good in my hand. The curve of the back and the plastic make it very "holdable". But, that same curve makes the phone wobble a bit if you try to interact with it while it's resting on a flat surface like a table top or desk (though probably not obnoxiously so). The curved plastic also makes it a bit more slippery; pro-tip: don't rest it in your lap unless you want it crashing to the floor seconds later.

SPEAKERS
The speaker volume is much improved from the first gen, making it more practical to use speaker phone, show a video or song to a friend, enjoy gaming, or any other time when you don't want to wear headphones or have the thing pressed to your ear. The speaker(s) are now covered with a fine wire mesh instead of simply holes in the case, which should help keep dirt and pocket lint out (as well as probably aiding in volume). The one oddity is that covering the speaker in any way (say with your hand while gaming) seriously reduces the ability for it to generate sound (practically muting it). This is difficult to avoid when holding in landscape mode, carrying it in your pocket or purse, etc., and is confounded by the fact that sound only comes from one speaker.

OLEOPHOBIC COATING
A feature that seemingly snuck into the latest hardware without much fanfare is the new oleophobic ["fingerprint resistant"] coating. It actually works better than I would have expected. Although the screen still picks up smudges and fingerprints, it's not nearly as bad as the previous generations which seemingly required a wipe down after every use. For awhile there I thought I really was a greasy stereotype. I find myself having to polish the screen much less frequently, no longer having to stare through old button presses and finger swipes. For an interesting explanation of the technology, see Bill Nye's explanation at Gizmodo.

GPS
The first generation, which didn't have any GPS hardware, faked it by using information from nearby cell towers and a wireless network if connected. A clever scheme, it worked well enough to be useful if you only needed to know your approximate location. Having real GPS hardware, introduced in the 3G, is really where it's at. Being able to almost instantly have your location pinpointed is undeniably cool (at least for someone like me who doesn't own an in-car nav system or the like). Watching the pulsing blue dot is almost hypnotizing. Plus, since the hardware is available for all applications to use, it can be leverage to do some fun/interesting stuff. As an example: I recently used it to track a nature hike I went on.

COPY PASTE
One of the most requested features finally makes it to the iPhone as of the 3.0 firmware update. It works pretty well, though the copy pop-up can be somewhat intrusive when all you're trying to do is edit text you've entered. It has some oddities though. For instance, you can't select just part of a text message, you only have the option of copying it all. Strange design decision.

UNDO WEIRDNESS
There is an undo function, apparently. I know this because practically every time I pull the phone out of my pocket, it has a message on the screen that says "Nothing to undo". I guess I must be "Butt Undoing".

FORWARD TEXT MESSAGES
Not sure when this was added (3.0?) but it's a nice feature to have (finally). Though it's under the "edit" button which seems non-obvious.

GLOBAL SEARCH
It's about time! Introduced with the 3.0 update, you can now swipe right from the first desktop or click the "home" button to access Spotlight for searching the whole phone. It works pretty fast, and searches while you type, bringing up music, applications, safari bookmarks, email addresses, etc., that match your terms. You can also access the search functionality within the e-mail client, but annoyingly, it only searches e-mail addresses and subject lines. To me, this is practically useless, as the information I need 99% of the time is in the body of an e-mail, not the subject line.

VOICE RECOGNITION
A cool feature that is a long time coming, I think only available on the 3GS. Holding the home button for a few second brings up the voice menu from which you can make a limited number of requests, focused mainly on controlling the phone or the iPod. It's a mixed bag of impressive and fail, varying greatly with what you are requesting and the noise of your environment. For instance, the first time trying it, I asked it to dial a friend of mine, and it got the name right on the first try. It even prompts you to say what phone number (i.e. "mobile", "home", "work") you want to dial if they have multiple entries. Using the iPod is a bit trickier. Often times it would misinterpret what I was asking, and this is due in part to the small vocabulary of the commands. If you don't know the exact command to do something, it will give you strange results. For instance, if you want to hear some Pearl Jam, you have to say "Play Artist Pearl Jam" and not "Play Pearl Jam". There does not seem to be a way to play a specific song, which if an unfortunate omission. In noisy environments, it has worked very poorly for me. Walking outside wearing the supplied headphones on a somewhat windy day, it interpreted mic noise as various different commands, none of which where what I was attempting. Apparently it doesn't work over Bluetooth currently (another odd omission) but will supposedly after the next minor software update. Also, the voice menu closes after every command, which can be annoying if you want to do multiple things (such as ask the artist of the current song, then ask to play something else).

COMPASS
It's a compass. By itself that's nothing to write home about, but it will be very useful in mapping applications and could prove interesting for other applications. I'm waiting for the star gazing apps to use it to really nail down the ability to hold your phone between you and a constellation and identify it.

LANDSCAPE MODE FOR MORE APPS
Landscape keyboard works in email and text messages as of the 3.0 update, which has it advantages, and should have been in place from the beginning. Still, I don't know why they don't have a landscape mode for the desktop. It wouldn't have to be complicated, even just rotating the icons in place would be sufficient.

3G AND NETWORK SPEED
It's hard to say if the 3G antenna, which debuted in the second gen iPhone, is offering much of an improvement. It should be faster than the Edge network, but coverage is spotty. Browsing feels faster, but I think a lot of that has to do with updates to Safari and the faster processor. I also think that this phone seems a little less tolerant to poor signals. On my first gen iPhone, it seemed like I could get away with sending a text message more often when I barely had a signal. Now, I'm constantly attempting to resend when I'm in a dead zone (which seems to be most of the buildings I'm inside). It feels very "all or nothing" as far as connectivity goes.

TEXT MESSAGING
The text messaging interface is a little different now when a text can't send. Now it simply marks the text with an exclamation point when it fails. However, it would be nice if this was visible from the home screen (an exclamation point on the Messages icon, for instance, to let you know one or more failed to send).

CLOCK
I noticed a slight change to the Stopwatch which now has a lap timer. Don't know when that was included, but it's nice, if you like that sort of thing.

VOICE MEMOS
A cool app added in the 3.0 update, it allows you to record and send voice memos. Minimal interface, but it does what it advertises, without a lot of bells and whistles.

CAMERA
The new camera is a nice improvement over the first generation. 3 megapixel autofocus, with a nifty "touch to focus" interface (touch the object on the screen you want to focus on and it does--makes sense). Welcomed, also, is the ability to do macro photography as it was difficult before to take photos of anything relatively close to the camera. This comes in very handy on the iPhone, as I find I'm often photographic product labels or other objects with text, which before came out as a blurry mess.
Video recording is a new feature, one that I can't believe Apple, of all companies, left out in the first two generations. The picture looks good, the frame rate is nice, and the UI is simple and useable. You can do simple cropping of the beginning and ending with a simple scrubber, and you can even upload to YouTube.

STORAGE SPACE
I don't have a huge music collection, but even I was constrained by the 8GB of my original phone. The 32GB of the 3GS feels vast... at least until I start filling it with videos of my cat.

BATTERY LIFE
Although they always tout improved battery life, I'm not seeing one. In fact, my battery seems to run down faster than my first gen. But I can't make any specific claims as I have done any empirical testing. I have found that gaming eats up the battery quite quickly. Peggle is forcing me to charge my phone more than once a day. I'm not the first to complain, however, and some think that perhaps the 3.0 software has some poor battery management.

HEAT
The phone also experiences some heat issues from time to time, mainly when gaming for long stretches, getting noticeably hot to the touch. Again, I do not appear to be alone in noting this.

HEADPHONE JACK
As of the 3G, this is no longer recessed, so any standard headphone will work. It was one of the more ridiculous issues with the first generation.

SPEED
This is the overall best feature of the new iPhone. My first generation always felt a little sluggish, and I'm happy that this doesn't seem to be the case with the 3GS. Everything is improved by the faster chipset and it's surprising how smoothly the device runs now. Text entry is improved: no more lag. Web surfing is better: pages don't seem to stutter on scrolls (though this may be also improvements to Safari). Apps load and play noticeably faster (particularly games). This is the chipset that should have been including in the first generation, the one that delivers the smooth and quick interface people expect from all the Apple hype.

Overall, I'm extremely happy with the iPhone 3GS, coming from the first generation. It has its quirks, and some odd design decisions in places, but every software revision seems to improve it just a little more. If you have a 3G already it may not be enough of an improvement to warrant the price, but first gen owners who are available for the subsidized price should seriously consider the upgrade for the speed and other niceties included in the 3G and 3GS.

Why Does This Exist?

2009-06-26T00:25:00.002-04:00

Seriously, why?

I didn't know hermit crabs were a thing in desperate need of blinging.

Your Source For Fake Video Gaming News

2009-06-15T19:19:00.004-04:00

This week I'm proud to announce the start of my very own guest column over at the fabulous bs angel's video gaming blog extravaganza Hawty McBloggy. The Katonian Press is reporting on gaming and game industry news to the best of its ability: by making it all up. Please check out a weekly dose of faux gaming news in The Katonian Press at HawtyMcBloggy.com.

With My Freeze Ray I Will ... Rock the World

2009-05-22T14:09:00.006-04:00

Rock Band is certainly a fun way to enjoy your favorite songs and pretend you're "melting hot licks" (or whatever the kids are calling it these days). It also has a decent character (rockvatar?) generator that let's you appropriately create a digital representation of your on-stage awesomeness.

What's more, it let's people create all sorts of great interpretations of famous real and fictional individuals. And then put them in a band. Like the cast of Star Trek The Next Generation, or Sarah Palin, or the survivors from Left 4 Dead.

I too have experimented with creating Rock Band facsimiles of famous characters. Tired of stand-ins filling out my band, I decided to create two much more interesting compatriots to rock out with. Mind you this was many months ago and I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but it's the Internet, so I'm compelled to share.

First up is everyone's favorite musical villain, Dr. Horrible. Behold him in all of his angsty glory!

My apologies to Joss Whedon and Neil Patrick Harris.

Since I have a penchant for villains (and super-villains), I couldn't pass up the opportunity to pay tribute to The Dark Knight. Filling out the rest of my band is everyone's favorite Clown Prince (of Rock), The Joker:

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is how I roll:

At least I think that's me. It could be Yahtzee Croshaw.

Twitter Downtime Limericks

2009-05-13T15:55:00.004-04:00

Twitter, the masturbatory social time sink that has ensnared even the all powerful Oprah and her legion, is currently down for scheduled maintenance.

Unable to post there, and burdened with an abundance of useless (read: tweet-worthy) information, I struggled to get through the outage. I e-mailed my favorite game blogger, Miss bs angel of Hawty McBloggy, and made a desperate request for just a small taste of information. "I need my fix", I pleaded.

Here's how she replied:

There's this thing I love doing called Twitting.
When it goes down though I feel like spitting.
What am I to do,
I haven't a clue.
Whomever will I tell that I'm shitting?

Out of the park. But not to be outdone, I had to reply with a limerick of my own:

I hate to sound nasty and bitter,
but my life has gone straight down the shitter,
I've got plenty to say,
bout my boring old day,
And alas, I can't post it to Twitter!

One way to pass the time, I suppose. Feel free to post your own variants in the comments.

Dear Escapist: Feeling Inadequate Much?

2009-04-29T17:06:00.006-04:00

Okay, I get it, The Escapist was nominated for a Webby. That's great, but do you really need to bombard me with banners begging me to vote for you? It's annoying and, honestly, a little creepy. Do you have some issues to work out? Were you unpopular in High School? Did your college girlfriend call you "a little small" the first time you guys did it?

Seriously, maybe tone down the requests. It's a little needy.

[Click for larger view]

Not shown: a preroll vote request, and a pop-up vote request during the video. "We've been nominated for a Webby" final ad tally: 8.

10 Signs You Might Have Swine Flu

2009-04-28T19:03:00.004-04:00

Another year, another potentially blown-out-of-proportion epidemic. Let's jump on the bandwagon, shall we?

Ten Signs You Might Have Swine Flu
10. Mud puddles are nearly irresistible.
9. Your lips taste like bacon.
8. You find yourself oddly attracted to Kermit the Frog.
7. The term "Hamburger" annoys you for no apparent reason.
6. You have a tail...
5. ...And it's curly.
4. You're considering upgrading to a brick house in case of wolf attacks.
3. "Moons Over My Hammy" just isn't that funny to you anymore.
2. You wake up in bed with a pig and no memory of how you got there.
1. It oinks when you pee.

I'll be here all week, folks.

Wherein I Reveal Wil Wheaton's Secret Duty

2009-04-16T21:20:00.000-04:00

The other night I had a dream.

I was in what I'd guess you call a large convention hall. It was furnished with numerous long tables with folding chairs, but the room was mostly empty. I found myself at a table with a handful of others (friends, acquiantances, strangers, I'm not really sure). We were playing a game.

It was D&D.

As we played, I took in my surroundings. With so few people around, it didn't take long for me to spot the gentleman sitting at a table nearby. It was the Geek, the Legend, the one-and-only... Wil Wheaton. If I was surprised to see him there, it didn't register. Perhaps this was a Con or the kind of place one expects to find geek culture icons mixing with the unwashed masses. I studied him for a moment. He was with someone, a suit perhaps. Wil seemed busy. Were they discussing a new book deal? Was he negotiating to play his own Grandfather in Star Trek? Was he finally getting around to suing Rob Reiner for the leeches in Stand By Me?

Who knows. That wasn't important. What's important was that it was WIL FUCKING WHEATON.

Our game wasn't going well. I can't summon the details at this moment, but I knew we needed some help. And WFW was sitting right there! He didn't seem to be having a great time either; a look of boredom and frustration crossed his face. But I knew a way to save us both.

I knew his secret.

I stood, grabbing a die from the tabletop and quickly hiding it in my closed fist. I walked down the row of tables, moving parallel to Mr. Wheaton and his cohort. I tried to walk casual--but not make it look like I was walking casual--as I strode down the aisle. Passing by Wil, I deftly placed a red D20 before him, the twenty facing up, and continued on my way, like a geek informent secretly passing a note to his handler.

He looked down at it.

It was an invitation. One I knew he couldn't ignore.

You see, in this made up dream world, I knew Wil Wheaton's secret: He must obey the call of the D20. If one is placed before him, twenty facing up, he is obligated to pick it up and join your game. He is not bound by some group or mystic force, or Wookiee Life Debt to Gary Gygax, just an unwritten Gamer's Code and Geek's Honor. It is a duty he performs willingly, and with great pleasure. It was my opportunity to game with a geek hero, and hopefully his chance to dodge whatever mundane facts-of-life task had brought him here.

Or, at least so I thought.

What came next was an anticlimax of epic proportions, though one I've come to expect in the kinds of dreams I have (Really, brain, you couldn't throw in some bikini girls and a can of Cool Whip? Is that too much to ask?) He looked down at the die, and then back at me as I walked away. I expected to return to my seat and see him getting up, explaining to the suit his geis, and brandishing a Player's Handbook seemingly from nowhere. But as I rounded the corner he levelled his gaze at me. I had a smug smile on my face that slowly faded to a look of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I can't," he explained. He looked annoyed. Not necessarily at me, just at the situation. "I'm really busy, I don't have time for this."

And that, well, was it. I returned to my table, dejected, and WFW went on with whatever he was doing that day. It was a fantasy bitch-slap. It was the dream equivalent of buying an ice cream cone only to have it plop on the ground the second you go to lick it. It was like dreaming that you were finally going to score with that girl you've been crushing on for years only to look down and find you no longer have a penis.

I'm not sure but as I woke up I swear I heard the "sad trombone" sound.

But it was a dream, so whatever.

Dreams can reveal some fascinating insights, though. I found these two points to be particularly intriguing:

1. Since dreaming is just a product of the imagination, the brain can make up any kind of crazy shit it wants. What's more, it doesn't have to rely on established facts or logic. For instance, in this dream, I just knew that if I laid a D20 before Wil (Fucking) Wheaton, he would be compelled to act. This isn't something he joked about in the real world or something I read in his blog or on Twitter, my brain just decided to establish it as a fact. I have had other dreams where in them I've "remembered" something that wasn't true or didn't ever happen. But since the logic part of your brain is mostly shut off when you sleep, my imagination was free to make up fake memories (or, even simpler, just the sensation of remembering). You can't say that's not fascinating. And maybe a little scary.

2. I love the idea of Whil Wheaton having a secret D&D compulsion. I think this is brilliant. It's the kind of thing you'd see in a Penny Arcade comic. I wish my brain was that creative when I'm awake (stupid brain, I'm going to stab you with a cuetip!) It's just such a beautiful idea: you present him with a D20 and he has to play. It's like a gaming version of Adrian Monk. If anyone reading this has a chance to test this at a convention, let me know. Just don't abuse it, he's got books to write and stuff.

I can only assume that this incident is the beggining of a pattern for me. Next time I'm sure I'll dream of Patrick Stewart refusing to perform Dickens with me on stage.

Or maybe LeVar Burton telling me that "reading is for pussies", and that I don't have to take his word for it.

Attention: Mother Nature

2009-04-07T20:29:00.007-04:00

This is your old friend Kato, Mother Nature. I know we've had our differences, but this... whatever this is... has got to stop.

Quite frankly, this snow--this snow is bullshit.

It's April, all right? April. What part of that are you having difficulty understanding? The saying doesn't go "April showers bring snow flowers", and not because that doesn't really make much sense, but because it's APRIL. It doesn't snow in APRIL. I mean, it does, but it shouldn't.

Do you know what I heard a few weeks ago, Mother Nature? Spring Peepers. That's right, Spring Peepers. It's in their goddamn name. And yet I look outside and do I see adorable amphibians calling to their mates with sweet sounds of love? No. I see snow. SNOW.

And what are those frogs gonna do, huh Mother Nature? They're cold blooded. It's not like they can just slip on a cardigan and sip hot cocoa till you decide to get off your ass and bring us some sunshine. Have you ever tried to put a sweater on a frog? They're fucked. All because of you.

You sicken me.

Look, I know you're busy trying to drown Fargo, but no reason to get pissy with us too. We're the Heartland, the Bread Basket. Or maybe you don't like the Heartland, in which case, consider us an eastern state. A good one, not New Jersey. Maybe Virginia. Everyone likes Virginia. Except maybe pre-Civil War blacks. Whatever, I'm getting distracted from my point.

And my point is this: can we lose the snow? Seriously, it's Baseball Season. You can't go to the game and enjoy a hotdog when there's an icicle hanging from your wiener.

Snow in April is un-patriotic. It's un-American. Basically, what I'm saying is: if you keep snowing on us, you let the terrorists win.

But if you won't do it for me, or for America, then do it for the Peepers. Cause no one ever stops to ask them what they think.

Angrily yours,
Kato

Blog Banter: Valentine's Day is for Gamers

2009-02-28T14:42:00.008-05:00

Welcome, welcome to Blog Banter, the monthly blogging extravaganza headed by bs angel! Blog Banter involves our cozy community of enthusiastic gaming bloggers, a common topic, and a week to post articles pertaining to said topic. The results are quite entertaining and can range from deeply insightful to ROFLMAO. Any questions about Blog Banter should be directed here. Check out other Blog Banter articles at the bottom of this post!

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day I have, in years past, derided as a bastion of insensitivity toward the lonely and relationship-disabled. I have since softened on my views, having been blessed to be lucky enough to find someone who can stand to be around me for more than a few minutes. It's something I'm still trying to grapple: my brain can't quite comprehend the madness that must be at work. Surely she must be suffering some fever that affects her perceptions and once it breaks she will be free from her stupor and run screaming at first chance. It's either that or the roofies I keep feeding her.

Being a rather low-maintenance couple, we had no fantastically romantic plans for Valentine's Day this year. Neither of us are opposed to a fancy dinner, but spending a weekend together at home in our cozy pajamas, lounging, is more our style. In fact, the only thing we really "planned" to do that weekend was maybe kick back, relax, and play some videogames. Together.

I'm lucky enough to have a gaming-enabled girlfriend. We actually spent part of our first or second date rocking out to Guitar Hero II. Fellas, if you are single, music games are a great date option. You can each play at your own difficulty, so it's fun for both, and you can show her what a patient guy you are by teaching her how to play (if she doesn't know already). As you get warmed up, you can really ham it up for her and bust out the stage antics of a true rock performer. You may look like a jackass, but hopefully she'll be laughing so hard she won't notice. If you really want to make things interesting, you can institute this house rule: Every time you two pass a song, you have to kiss. It's a great way to show her you're having fun, and hey, free kissing. You can thank me later when the game ends in a make-out session on the couch.

This year, Bungie, makers of the somewhat popular Halo series, made available a "Valentine's Day Massacre" playlist for the weekend for players who wanted to celebrate their love by blowing the ever-living-crap out of one another. Fittingly enough it was a two vs. two playlist. The girlfriend and I are no stranger to teaming up in Halo 3 and venturing out on Xbox Live together to wreak havoc as Team Awesome. Granted the kind of havoc we wreak usually involves accidentally blowing each other up and running around the map aimlessly looking for a weapon that we might possibly be able to get a kill with, but it's something to do. So, we jumped on the chance to have a little Valentine's fun. Nothing's more romantic than owning noobs, am I right?

In my naivety, I thought that we might have a decent chance to win this time. I mean, after all, it was the Valentine's Day playlist. Who would be playing other than devoted couples who wanted to take a break from the flower and candy and bring hot death to all comers. I thought we'd come across some charming couples that were as rusty as we are just looking to have some fun.

Apparently I've lost all ability to reason.

What I failed to comprehend was that the majority of people playing in this special holiday-themed brawl were not the adorable, fun-loving couples that I hoped them to be. No, the only kind of games these imaginary couples were playing were the kind that involved wine, chocolate body paint, and innocuous safe words. While they enjoyed their Valentine's bumping uglies, as it were, the girlfriend and I were pitted against all the lonely and socially inept masses that, out of some sense of perverse irony or perhaps self-loathing, joined together to make the world pay for their inability to establish meaningful relationships with another human being. Or at least make us pay.

Instead of some fun romp against a bunch of lovebirds, we found ourselves facing off against the usual crew of overly-competitive douche bags and the like that lurk in the depths of Xbox Live, dining on cheetos and fearing the sun, most completely unversed in the ways of fair play and sporstmanship. The girlfriend and I did... very poorly. Abyssmal, as it were.

As a side note, who over there at Bungie decided all the games should be Battle Rifle starts, huh? C'mon, give me at least a fighting chance. I love being spawn killed from the other side of the map repeatedly as much as the next guy, but couldn't we have at least had, I dunno, fiesta, or default weapon starts? Also, you guys gotta show me some time how this matchmaking system works. You can't tell me it's working just the way it is supposed to when it matches us up with two guys who combined have played over 8000 more games than us. Honestly, what the fuck, is there just a monkey at the server randomly putting players together in between bouts of poop flinging? I know matchmaking is hard, but sometimes I find it hard to believe there isn't a better match among the hundreds of thousands of people playing at any given moment. I'll wait the extra couple of seconds for a better match, honest.

The best match of the night (and I mean "best" in the most drippingly sarcastic manner possible) was the one in which we were practically shut out. A normal 2 versus 2 match goes to 25 points (one point per kill) and collectively I don't think the girl and I managed to even muster 5 kills. As unbalanced, and un-fun as that sounds, the other team had apparently been brought up by wolves or were perhaps from an alternate universe where it is totally okay to act like an ass to everyone you meet. Case in point: After every kill, without fail or hesitation, they chose to teabag our bodies. Uh, hello, assholes? Yea, we know you're beating us. We can see the scoreboard. Thanks for the reminder of your "greatness" though: You must be a really awesome player to be beating so handily a couple of people who only get to play Halo occassionally. Takes real skills there it does. Gee, I guess you must be some kind of super gamer. I'm envious. Have you joined MLG yet? I should add you to my friends list. You're really the kind of person I want to interact with regularly.

Oh and if you are unfamiliar or don't have the imagination to conjure what the term "teabag" means, it's the universally douche-baggy practice of standing over your opponent in a multiplayer game and repeatedly crouching so it looks like your character is humping their body. You know, like putting your testicles in their mouth: teabagging. Last time I checked though, didn't putting your balls in another guy's mouth kinda make you gay? Which is fine, I'm cool with that (though by your sexist/racist/homophobic taunts I suspect you are, in fact, not okay with it). Anyway, teabagging is about the lamest taunt ever, yet pre-pubescent kids and other equally simple-minded denizens of Xbox Live and elsewhere seem to think it's funny and the appropriate thing to do. To clarify: it's not. It doesn't make up for your small penis or failure as a human being. But whatever, keep doing it, I love reporting guys like you. LOVE IT.

I left the lobby as quickly as possible to avoid having to listen to these two cro-magnons taunt us any further, though the girlfriend narrowed her eyes at me and declared that she would have liked to hear what they had to say. But that's probably because she has, in the past, done her best to verbally bitch-slap our opponents.

It was frustrating, and not the way we wanted to spend our Valentine's gaming together. But then, gaming with your significant other doesn't always turn out the way you might want. But then, sometimes a moment comes along and you know why you bothered in the first place. We took a break after the disappointing session and decided to play again a couple days later. After some warming up, a better attitude, and some considerably better matchmaking, we got into a groove and played some good (and most importantly: fun) matches. I looked over at her, and her face was animated. She giggled infectiously, like a little girl, as she stuck an opponent with a plasma grenade and watched him explode in a beautiful blue ball of light.

And it is moments like these that remind me why I offered to share with her my controller, and my heart.

Other participants!
Gaming with my wife, You could be doubling alone, Next Gen Killed Our Gaming Relationship, Forced Perspective, Playing With My Toys, From Gaming Geek to Heroes Freak, My Lady and Gaming, Gaming with your significant other, Gaming Together, Maybe?, Girl Gamers = Hawt, Gaming with my significant other, Move Over Hott Boy, I Want to Play, Frag the Girlfriend!!, 'Til Mongoose Do Us Part

This Is So Not Good

2009-02-05T11:30:00.005-05:00

Apparently the GPU in my Xbox 360 Elite must be failing. All I get is this craziness. Red Ring of Death is imminent.

Your Ass vs. A Hole in the Ground

2009-02-03T13:32:00.003-05:00

And finally, the debate of the millenia, comparing what's behind with what's below.

YOUR ASS provides cushioning for you to sit. A HOLE IN THE GROUND provides a place for puddles to form. Winner: YOUR ASS.

YOUR ASS came from all those twinkees you ate. That HOLE IN THE GROUND, where did that come from, has that always been there? Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

A HOLE IN THE GROUND can be filled by a road crew if it needs work. YOUR ASS can be filled by a nurse if, say, you need an enema. Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

A HOLE IN THE GROUND can produce noxious gas if it connects to a sewer. YOUR ASS can produce noxious gas after a late night run to Taco Bell. Winner: Neither.

ASS is a synonym for Donkey. HOLE is a synonym for Courtney Love. Winner: Tossup.

Someone who investigates a HOLE IN THE GROUND is called a Spelunker. Someone who investigates YOUR ASS is called a Proctologist. Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

YOUR ASS is round. A HOLE IN THE GROUND is round. Winner: Tie.

"Digging YOUR ASS" can be seen as a compliment. "Digging A HOLE IN THE GROUND" can be seen as a tiresome chore. Winner: YOUR ASS.

In prison, you could hide contraband in YOUR ASS. On a desert island, Pirates could hide buried treasure in A HOLE IN THE GROUND: Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

Although you really couldn't tell the difference, A HOLE IN THE GROUND beat YOUR ASS.

Thus concludes this little experiment in random thing vs. random other thing. Hope you enjoyed the ride.

X vs. Y

2009-01-22T15:35:00.005-05:00

Can one letter really be better than another? Let's find out.

X often represents the unknown. Y stands in for "Why" in the literary wasteland that is txt-speak. Winner: X.

In a standard plot, X dictates all, being the independent variable. Y is the dependent variable essentially making it X's bitch. Winner: X.

X represents a strike in bowling. "The Y" is a nickname for the YMCA. Winner: X.

XXX is the most explicit of movie ratings. YYY is the rating given to movies like "Gigli" (as in "Why, why, why did they make this movie?") Winner: X.

"Triple-X" featured Vin Diesel and a shitty plot. "Triple-X: State of the Union" featured Ice Cube and a shitty plot. Winner (by default): Y.

X is the Roman Numeral for 10. Yotta is the SI prefix for 10²⁴. Winner: Y.

The X chromosome is a sex chromosome in mammals. The Y chromosome is a sex chromosome in mammals and triggers testis development. Winner: Y.

Generation X witnessed the end of the Cold War, fall of the Berlin wall, Grunge, Hip-Hop, and dotcoms. Generation Y grew up on instant messaging, the Internet, and cell-phones. Winner: Undetermined.

X-Ray Vision is one of Superman's many powers enabled by Earth's yellow sun. Y-Ray vision isn't possessed by any Superheroes (maybe Bizzarro Superman). Winner: X.

X is the INXS album that features "Suicide Blonde". Y is an album by the post-punk band "The Pop Group". Winner: X.

Xenu is a major figure in Scientology. Yahweh is English for the God of Israel. Winner: Y.

X marks the spot. Y kinda looks like a crotch. Winner: X.

Hardly a surprise, X proved itself the worthier of letters. Y, having been adopted late by the Romans in order to pronounce some Greek words, just hasn't had the time to build up the following of its rival. Overall Winner: X.

Hold on to your butts. Next week we ask: YOUR ASS vs. A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

The Silent Popcorn Watching From Beneath

2009-01-14T14:03:00.001-05:00

There is a piece of popcorn under my desk. It's been sitting there for... honestly, I don't really know how long. A day? A week? A month, maybe? I don't remember the last time I had popcorn. Maybe never. And if never, then what does that mean?

I wonder what it's doing there. It just sits there, so quiet and still, silently judging me.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

I can't stop looking at it. It's right at the edge of my peripheral vision. It doesn't seem to do anything, or want anything, it's just content to exist and mock me.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to crawl under there and get it? Is that what it really wants? Am I supposed to know that? Is it passive-aggressive? Am I getting the silent treatment for some unknown and long-passed transgression? Is it mad cause I let it drop on the floor and roll all the way over there?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?! TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT RIGHT!

I gotta stop thinking about this. It's just a stupid piece of popcorn. I mean, it's not like it's evil. Popcorn can't be evil right? Shit, maybe it can? God, I'm cracking up. Get a grip. Get a grip.

I'm just going to let it go. I'm just got to sit here and ignore it. It's not even here. It's not important. I have no iterest in it. I don't even know what "it" is? What piece of popcorn? Popcorn who? Popcorn? Where?

Popcorn.

Popcorn.

POPCORN.

Dammnit!

I can't help it, it's right there! How am I NOT going to notice it? Maybe I can call someone. Yes, that's it! I'll call someone to take care of it! HA HA HA! Fuck you, popcorn! You thought you had me, but now look who's laughing! Sit there as long as you want with your piercing, salty stare, but someone is coming for you, oh yes, someone will make you pay!

Oh God, I think it moved!

Suitcase vs. Papaya

2009-01-12T13:30:00.003-05:00

This week we compare the quintessential piece of luggage with the tasty tropical fruit.

SUITCASEs are usually rectangular, convenient for stacking. PAPAYAs are oval in shape, succeptable to rolling. Winner: SUITCASE.

Hundreds of dishes incorporate the PAPAYA. Hobo Stew may contain SUITCASE pieces for texture. Winner: PAPAYA.

SUITCASEs can be used to transport cheap pharmaceuticals from Mexico. PAPAYAs are pruported to treat ringworm, high blood preassure, and gas. Winner: PAPAYA.

Some SUITCASEs have telescoping handles. PAPAYAs have a stem. Winner: SUITCASE.

SUITCASEs are sometimes inspected by airport security after mistaking a vibrator for an explosive device. PAPAYA seeds have strong spermicidal properties. Winner: PAPAYA.

SUITCASEs are succestible to damage or loss in transit. PAPAYAs are succeptible to the Papaya Fruit Fly. Winner: Tossup.

SUITCASEs can hold many days worth of clothing. PAPAYAs can hold many seeds. Winner: SUITCASE.

PAPAYAs contain 103% recommended daily intake of Vitamin C. SUITCASEs usually contain acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. Winner: PAPAYA.

PAPAYAs, when unripe, are known to release a latex fluid. A SUITCASE could hold roughly 2,772 latex condoms. Winner: SUITCASE.

Although PAPAYA was a fan-favorite coming into this competition, it couldn't quite edge out SUITCASE. Overall Winner: TIE.

Next week we tackle X vs Y.

Bear vs. Ballerina

2009-01-05T11:19:00.007-05:00

This week we compare the hulking giant of the outdoors with the graceful beauty of the stage.

BEAR can stand upright on hind legs. BALLERINA can dance en pointe. Winner: BALLERINA.

BEAR shits in the woods. BALLERINA throws up meals to stay thin. Winner: BEAR.

BEAR can snag a salmon with one deadly swipe. BALLERINA can perfom a pas de poisson which looks like a fish jumping out of water. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs can be black, brown, or white. BALLERINAs wear tutus. Winner: Tossup.

BEARs have bare feet. BALLERINAs wear those little shoes. Winner: BALLERINA.

In North America, Grizzly is perhaps the best known BEAR. I can't name any BALLERINAs. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs can be distracted by throwing a backpack. BALLERINAs can spin repeatedly without getting dizzy. Winner: BALLERINA.

Teddy Ruxpin and Winnie the Pooh are famous fictional BEARs. Barbie has a BALLERINA outfit. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs are said to love honey. BALLERINA preference toward honey is unestablished. Winner: Undetermined.

Davy Crockett killed a BEAR when he was only three. No BALLERINAs were ever killed by an American folk hero. Winner: BALLERINA.

Amazingly, this one is too close to call. Clearly, one of nature's fiercest predators doesn't have enough to eek it out against dance's most graceful performers. Overall Winner: TIE.

Tune in next week when we tackle SUITCASE vs. PAPAYA.

Automated Holiday Greetings

2008-12-30T10:45:00.013-05:00

[silence]

[sound of a cricket chirping]

[more silence]

[sound of wind blowing]

[a little more silence]

[The Sound of Silence]

[the soft static of a recording]

Hi, this is Kato's brain's answering service. Sorry it can't come to the blog right now, it's busy being shut off for, well, however long a brain shuts off. What do I look like a neurosurgeon? I mean, yes, I am wearing a lab coat and carrying a scalpel, but I really liked my Halloween costume and decided to wear it around all the time. That's not the point. The point is that Kato is not here. Though looking at the dust on this place, it looks like it's been awhile since he attempted anything with any, *ahem*, substance. But then who am I to judge. It's not like I'm the blog police. I mean, yes, underneath the lab coat is a police officer's uniform with a badge that says "Blog Patrol" but again, Halloween costume (last year). Anyway, Kato said something about Christmas wishes or Holiday cheer or Christmas cheer or Cheer with ColorGuardTM or something like that. I think I have the tape around her someplace. Let me see if I can find it.

[rustle]

[rustle, rustle]

[click]

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade..."

[click]

Sorry, wrong tape.

[click]

"I'm gonna knock you out! Momma said knock you out!"

[click]

Nope, L.L. Cool J.

[click]

"...and do the other things..."

[click]

Kennedy again. Sorry. Here we go, I think this is it...

[click]

Is this on? Where do I talk, here? Is it here? Okay, here. *ahem* Hi blog peeps! Did I just say "peeps"? That makes me sound like a douchebag. Let me start again, you'll edit this all out right? Okay great. We going to Rally's after this? Man I could go for a Rally Burger. Okay, right, Holiday Greetings Message. Here we go... Hi everybody! Hope you are having a good Holiday Season, what with the Christmas, and the (C)Hanukkah, and the Kwanzaa, and Wookiee Life Day and such. This is a great time of year to be with your friends and family and so I sincerely hope you've gotten the chance to be with them this year. Seeing as how you are my (neglected) Internet family, I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a Happy 2008 and I hope that 2009 is good to you. Almost 2010, where's my damn flying car? Have a good one folks! Drink some eggnog for me!

-Kato

Wait, does that make sense to say "dash Kato"? How about "The End". Or, wait, "Happy Holidays!" That's way more fitting. This'll be up before Christmas right? Great, thanks!

[click]

[static]

[silence (with the faintest hint of sleigh bells...) ]

Hobo Social Networking Sites

2008-11-19T20:23:00.005-05:00

BeanBo
BoxcarMates.com
FaceBindle
Fiendster
Freeloadr
Last.bm
MyShanty

"Ode to Spot"

2008-11-13T16:52:00.005-05:00

Because you can find anything on the Internet...

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature;
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.

I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents,
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.

Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array;
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

"Ode to Spot" by Data
Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Schisms"

(Source: Memory Alpha)

Fable II Pub Games Giveaway

2008-11-07T00:51:00.008-05:00

UPDATE: Contest is over, a winner was chosen. Congratulations! If you're still looking for a code, try the Lionhead blog! Original post follows...

I have come into the possession of a certain download code for Xbox 360. Do not ask how I acquired said code, suffice it to say that prayers to dark gods were involved and Odysseyian rites were performed. Regardless, it's safe to say that those chaps over at Lionhead Studios are generous and just plain swell.

And now the fruits of my questionable labors can be yours.

I'm giving this code away, but since my blog readership consists solely of me and anyone on whose PC I've secretly changed the start page, I've entrusted it to another: The fabulous and sassy bs angel. She's holding a contest over at Hawty McBloggy to give away this tasty, tasty Fable II Pub Games code. All you gotta do is go there and leave a comment on the article saying how awesome I am (humble, too, I might add). She'll pick a random winner from those who comment.

So if you're feeling lucky, give it a go, you might just win. And just so you know, only comments over on her article will enter you in the random drawing. You can comment here to your heart's content, but it won't get you anywhere but in my good graces. Still, feel free to comment here on my awesomeness to inflate my ego, or the perhaps greater awesomeness of miss angel.

If you've come here after seeing the post on her blog, I welcome you to my brain dump on the Internet. Oh, and the comments you guys have left there are awesome. Kudos!

A Letter To The Next President of the United States

2008-11-04T15:56:00.002-05:00

Senator McCain, Senator Obama,

After many long months we have finally reached Election Day. This election has been called historic and its importance, for many, is unrivaled in recent memory. By the end of the day the American People will have chosen their next President, and barring an incredibly odd turn of events, it will be one of you two men.

In a short time, one of you will be responsible for the direction of this nation for the next four years. That is a weighty thing, a privilege and a burden that should not come lightly or without appreciation. I ask of you both to consider the importance of what you are about to undertake. We are counting on you to do what is right and what is best for us and this country.

Remember that although you will be chosen by a majority of Americans, you will be representing all Americans, including those that voted for your opponent. Your views may be different from those who voted against you, or even some of those that voted for you. Do not take this lightly. You must do what is best for the country as a whole.

Senator McCain: You have touted your experience as a major qualification for your election. Should you win, leverage your years of service to this country to get things done. You are familiar with the system, use that for the betterment of the country. Do not, however, fall in to the trap of assuming that experience trumps all. There are always new ideas and perspectives to be considered, and different generations view the world in different ways. You've been called a "Maverick" and many have flocked to you for that reason: They see in you someone who bucks the apparent quagmire that is the political system. There are many that expect you to live up to that name, so don't let them down. At the same time, remember that a maverick is harmful to the nation if he loses sight of whom he is fighting for. Prove to us that although you share the same party you are not another George W. Bush.

Senator Obama: You have touted "Change" as a major qualification for your election. Should you win, make good on that promise and become a force for change in the government, moving us forward. Remember too that change is difficult and compromise is a powerful tool. Since you don't have the years in government of your opponent, seek out those who can tap their years of experience to aide you. At the same time, you represent a "fresh face", someone who can accomplish great things through sheer power of will and determination. Don't let the trappings of politics kill that spirit, and prove to us that "Yes We Can" is more than just a slogan. You have rallied many who have felt that this country is in the grips of a downward spiral. Show them how strong we are as a nation, and to never lose faith. Remind us that we can believe in you.

We are a country facing, among other things, economic woes, fears about our jobs and our homes, and a war abroad. For many, the last eight years have reflected poorly on the country we love so dearly, and poorly on us as its citizens. We want--we need--a leader in whom we can be confident, in whom we can entrust our future. America is a beautiful, wonderful country. Land of the Free. Home of the Brave. Sweet Land of Liberty. So many of us are proud to be Americans, but that pride is shaken when we feel our country slipping away from the dream our Founding Fathers had.

And so I ask of you Senator McCain and Senator Obama to take the Office of President with the seriousness and devotion is deserves. I ask you to do not what is best for you, or for your party, but what is best for this great nation and for all of her people. Make good on your promises. Show the strength, courage, wisdom, and determination to lead us forward.

Lead us as an American among Americans, not as an American above Americans.

Lead us as a Nation among Nations, not as a Nation above Nations.

Renew our dedication to this great country of ours. Remind us of why we love it so much. Restore our faith in Democracy and the vision of the Founding Fathers.

Make us proud, again.

When a blog topic is too good to resist...

2008-10-07T16:21:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, in what was certainly a publicity stunt (that worked), PETA sent a letter to Ben & Jerry's, suggesting that they use human breast milk, instead of cow milk, in their ice cream.

While the, er, natural packaging of the source product already has wide appeal, most of the people I've talked to agree that this is not something you want "just like Mamma used to make." However, I couldn't help but ponder the fantastic new flavors that would result:

Boobberry
Titstachio
(Breast) Pump up the Jam
Chocolate Cones
Banana Mammary
Coconut Bra
Milk Dud
Cherry Cleavage
Reese's Double-D Cup
Muffin Top
Whipped Cream Bikini (goes well with Cherry on Top)
Nipply Neapolitan

And my personal favorite...
Motorboatin' Mocha

And many, many more that I'm sure I have missed....

Star Trek as The A-Team

2008-10-03T13:12:00.001-04:00

Illogical, but intriguing.

Don't Vote

2008-10-02T10:35:00.003-04:00

This is by far the best voting PSA I've ever seen. Brilliant.

Here's that URL so you don't have to type it:
http://www.maps.google.com/vote

Have you registered?

Xbox Live Outage Theories

2008-10-01T15:51:00.004-04:00

The Xbox Live service was unavailable for 24 hours, Monday, in preparation for the major upcoming Fall Update to the service. At least, that's what they're claiming. Xbox Live is down again today, mysteriously, and Microsoft is being hush-hush about the details.

Here are the most compelling theories I've come up with for why it might be down, presented in no particular order:

The latest update turned Xbox Live into SkyNet and the human race is doomed. Major Nelson may or may not be a Terminator, Trixie is, at best, a collaborator. I plan on hunkering down in a warehouse full of hydraulic presses and vats of molten metal.
Avatars are actually sentient beings hired by Microsoft to represent us in the virtual world. They are striking for better wages and a more comprehensive dental plan.
The Holy War between Miis and Avatars has begun, the terrible carnage of which is wreaking havoc on the Live landscape. Miis consider Avatars to be an abomination and insult to the god Miyamoto. Also, they are jealous of the Avatars choice in outerwear.
Bill Gates, having semi-retired now, has lots of free time to devote to eating churros with Seinfeld and video gaming. Bill dumped his sizeable fortune into Microsoft Points so he could buy all the Rock Band tracks and crashed the service when he added so many points that they rolled over to zero.
Microsoft stored a majority of their points in Wamu and Wachovia accounts.
or Microsoft pursued the practive of loaning out points to gamers who really couldn't afford them resulting in a Points Crisis when the Arcade Titles Bubble finally burst.
A gamer and his buddy logged into the same Xbox and invited each other to a multiplayer session of Rainbow Six. Upon accepting the invite, the resulting total protonic reversal nuked the entire Xbox Live network.
Gates, eager to max out his Achievements in Halo 3, had TruSkill disabled and then the entire network brought down for everyone else so that he could farm experience the rest of the day by logging in by himself with three "guests". It is rumored that the Banhammer has no effect on him.
Someone tried to play a Blu-Ray movie in the HD-DVD drive.
Jack Thompson, also saddled with an abundance of free time, bought and played a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. The Xbox's built in irony unit was unable to cope and initiated a cascade failure on the network. Said Thomspon, "It's pretty fun, though the bowling minigame is lame as hell".
A drunken editor at Kotaku posted an unverified story that stated there was new, free Downloadable Content that would allow players to take on the role of LEGO Master Chief wielding a Portal Gun and Plasmids in a sandbox recreation of a major city, whilst driving a racecar controlled by hitting notes corrosponding to songs played over EA Trax, fighting off terrorist subterranean hordes. The rush to the marketplace overwhelmed the system, even though Kotaku's review pointed out that the "camera system kinda sucks."
Peggle is in some way responsible. I'm not sure how.
Turns out the entire network is powered by Lance Armstrong on an exercise bike.
The long-awaited effort to integrate Xbox Live into the Microsoft Hearts Network failed spectacularly. The Minesweeper Project was also shut down as precaution.

I could be wrong, of course.

Happy Birthday Halo 3

2008-09-25T19:07:00.000-04:00

Today is Halo 3's one-year anniversary. A joy-filled year of headshots, melee bashes, and plasma grenade sticks. Mmmm! I don't play it as often as I'd like, but then I've been kinda busy.

In celebration of its first birthday, here's a very gay Master Chief celebrating.

Photo Credit: IMTHECLUELESS 1
As seen on i <3 halo 3 screenshots.

Which Is Your Face?

2008-09-18T13:56:00.002-04:00

I "faced my manga" recently, whatever that phrase may mean. I think the avatar I made there (seen alongside this post) is pretty decent. I rather like it, even if a minor revolt against the things came about after many twitter users adopted them as their profile image.

It's a little closer to my than, say, the South Park versions of me.

Hands On With Rock Band 2 Drums

2008-09-12T11:00:00.002-04:00

Rock Band 2 is nearly upon us and with it comes not only more-of-the-same faux-rock-star goodness that the first offering provided but also a second generation of Rock Band peripherals. Unlike the first time around, the Rock Band 2 is actually being made available first without the instrument bundle, dropping in the U.S. this Sunday the 14th exclusively on the Xbox 360 and following next month on the PlayStation 3 (and the month after for PS2 and Wii) in both bundle and game-only form. Though the "Special Edition" (game + instruments) isn't available right away, and the game doesn't go on sale for another couple of days, the peripherals are and I managed to scoop up a drum kit from the first shipment. After several hours of play last night, I'm impressed. Here's what you can expect from the second generation Rock Band drum controller.

Opening The Box:
The packaging is what you might expect, though they opt for cardboard and plastic bags rather than encasing everything in Styrofoam. Just as generation one, the unit comes disassembled. Included are an instruction manual and some Rock Band stickers. The instruction manual is really just a single page diagram and your standard product warnings (in a variety of languages). Assembly isn't complicated, but the diagrams are small and I was surprised that a little introduction to the drum kit wasn't provided in the documentation. I figured they'd have something with the usual saccharine PR-speak ("Welcome to the exciting world of virtual drumming!") and some description of the features of the kit such as the (presumedly) pressure-sensitive pads and the purpose of the ports on the back (add-on cymbols to be released later).

Assembly:
Not terribly difficult or time-consuming, and pretty self explanatory. Everything basically slides into everything else. A word of advice to pet owners, though: I wouldn't suggest putting the drum heads face down on the carpet while assembling if you haven't vacuumed recently. I did so and found that the new drum heads, which are a little sticky/tacky and probably a bit statically charged from being wrapped up in plastic, managed to attract several stray cat (and girlfriend) hairs. Oh, and don't forget to remove the blue plastic film covering the drum pedal.

The Kit:
The configuration of the kit is identical to the first generation but a few slight improvements have been made to the stand. The metal tubes that braced the two feet at the base and on which the drum pedal rested have been replaced by plastic pieces that are more rectangular in shape and bearing rubber pads on bottom. The new shape makes the pedal less likely to slide side to side and the pads (which the feet also have) give the kit a better grip with the floor, which should be particularly helpful on wood/tile.
The extendable supports on which the drum heads stand have also been slightly improved. The clips that are used to lock the height in place seem to hold a bit more securely (though the fact that the set is new helps). More useful, at least in my mind, is the addition of hash marks on the sides of the tubes that let you measure off your kit height more precisely. Gone should be the days of wondering if the left and right supports are perfectly even, and you shouldn't need a tape measure anymore to get the kit back to your preferred height after letting a shorter/taller friend give it a try.
Of course the biggest change to the kit in general is that they've done away with the cord, making it a wireless controller. No cord lessens the likelihood of your overzealous singer or guitar player tripping over your kit, and makes for faster cleanup when the gig is over. And hey, you don't need that USB hub anymore, either. Of course, it also means that the controller requires a power source. Owners of the Xbox 360 Quick Charge Kit will be disappointed that this is yet another peripheral that doesn't take advantage of Microsoft's convenient rechargeable battery packs, but the fact that the drums require three double-A batteries (included) may have something to do with it (along with licensing fees, I'm sure). The battery compartment is on the underside of the drum head assembly below the d-pad and buttons. The sync button is located at the front (facing the drummer) side.

The Pedal
Though functionally the same as the first generation pedal, the Rock Band 2 drum pedal has received a structural enhancement to better handle the stresses of frequent use. The original pedal suffered from a design that didn't really account for how the product was intended to be used. It's a drum pedal, the user stomps on it. Repeatedly. Unfortunately, after extended use, the original pedal had a tendancy to snap in half, the relentless flexing action eventually fatiguing the plastic enough to cause it to bend and eventually crack. The new pedal is still mostly plastic but features a metal plate attached to the top of the foot pad giving it (hopefully) enough reinforcement to prevent breakage. You would have thought this would have been part of the original design, but at least they've learned from their oversight. My one complaint is that since the plate is medal it's a tad bit more slippery than the ridged plastic top of the previous model (at least for those of us who routinely play in socks). A couple of rubber strips for grip would have been nice.

The Pads
The best improvement, in my opinion, has to be the drum heads. The original I drum kit is considerably noisy, an understandible trait for a percussion instrument, but somewhat distracting to other band members (as well as pets, wives, small babies, and law enforcement officials) . Sure, turning the volume up to drown out the drummer is an acceptible (and rockin') fix, but thankfully the new Rock Band 2 pads are noticeably quieter. They aren't silent by any stretch, but the new heads now sound more like you're drumming on a mousepad and less like banging on a plastic container.
The new material in the drum pads not only make them quieter but also make them bouncier. Real drumming takes advantage of the elasticity of the heads to perform quick notes and rolls. The springiness of these new pads gives the drums a more natural feel, making it a little easier to hit those fast notes and reducing arm and wrist fatigue a bit, particularly on songs which require a constant quick beat tapped out with one hand.
The pads are also said to be velocity sensitive but I can't test this until the game is officially released.

The Rest
The kit is supposedly capable of supporting two bass pedals but I was unable to get this to work (there's only one port that looks like it is for a pedal). The kit supports additional color-coded ports for add-on cymbols that aren't currently on the market. Also, I didn't see a way to plug in an Xbox Live headset into the drums without an adapter, which did not come with the drum kit.

Conclusions and Summary
The Rock Band 2 drum kit is definitely an improvement over its first generation predecessor. If you're on a budget or don't play drums much then there's nothing wrong with sticking with your existing set (assuming your neighbors can stand the noise). But if you enjoy drumming and have the extra cash, I can definitely recommend the Rock Band 2 wireless kit (though if you're really serious you can drop $300 on the Ion Audio Premium Drum Set). The wireless capability is nice, the reinforced pedal means you can stomp on it with confidence, and the quieter, springier pads feel great.

Rock Band 2, game-only, is available for the Xbox 360 on September 14th. The Special Edition, (which includes instruments) and the game-only version will be available for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 on October 19th. PlayStation 2 and Wii versions will ship November 18th. The Rock Band 2 wireless guitar and wireless drums for the Xbox 360 are available now.

Cobra Commander Knows How To Rock

2008-08-28T12:49:00.003-04:00

Discovered this picture during a Google Image Search: G.I. Joe villains The Baroness, Destro, Cobra Commander, and Storm Shadow, created in Rock Band.

Awesome. Though honestly, Cobra Commander looks like the bastard child of Scott Ian from Anthrax and a Blue Man.

[Source: Halolz.com]

A Dog Named Kato

2008-08-19T11:22:00.000-04:00

We walked down the long central corridor of the local mall in search of our quarry: a watch kiosk. Gordon needed to get a battery in a watch replaced, or some such nonsense. I was really just along for the ride and maybe to score a Pretzel Dog or something.

After the seventh cell phone dealer and half a dozen oddly named retro/hipster/geek-chic/wanna-be trendy clothing stores we found what we were looking for. Gordon approached and struck up a conversation with the 20-some year old girl working the counter.

You'd think one would open with something like "Hi, I need a watch battery" or "Watchie brokey!". No, Gordon is a gentleman, and prefers to ingratiate himself with whomever he's speaking before asking them to do something. He proceeded with a friendly, "Hi, I'm Gordon!"

Better than "Wanna see if my Timex is still ticking?" I suppose.

The girl smiled brightly and with surprising cheer returned his friendly hello. "Hi, I'm Cindy!" she said. Her name wasn't Cindy. Or maybe it was. Honestly, I wasn't paying enough attention to catch it, and damned if I remember it now. So, we'll go with "Cindy". It's shorter than "whatever-her-name-was". Maybe it was "Jane". I don't know.

Gordon smiled. Her response wasn't saccharine like a Chic-fil-A employee trying to hard, no, it was more playful. Apparently Gordon appreciated it. "Ah ha! Always nice to get a pleasant response in return!" he said, or something kinda gay like that. He really can be quite the dandy lad. Although I say that mostly because I suspect he's reading this (though it is kinda true). Hi Gordon, are we still on for lunch?

"Don't I get an introduction?" I chimed in, without bothering to look up from my iPhone. I was probably playing Tetris. Stupid z-shaped block, why won't you leave me be?

"This is Kato," Gordon acknowledged, nodding my way. Replaying it in my mind I imagine her standing on her tiptoes to look over the counter, like I'm a small child standing there playing my Gameboy. It didn't happen that way, but it's funnier to think of like that.

Cindy opened her eyes wide at hearing this and exclaimed: "My dog's name was Kato!" I looked up at hearing this odd coincidence and was about to ask the origin of his name when she continued: "The cops killed him."

Gordon and I channeled Neo: "Whoa."

"What kind of dog was he?" asked my inquisitive friend, even though he really wanted to say "What the fuck?"

"A big ole pitbull," replied Maybe Jane.

I think Gordon's eyebrow raised a bit at this, not the curious Spock look, but rather the smug look one gets when they can finally put to use some of that questionably useful information they've been hoarding in their brain all these years. "Also known as a Staffordshire Bull Terrier," he noted, rolling a Natural 20 on his [Knowledge: Animals] skill check.

"A what?" asked Cindy-Jane.

"Staffordshire Bull Terrier," he said again.

"Stepchildshore..."

"Staffordshire Bull Terrier."

"Stepfordwife..."

"Staf-ford-shire."

"Stayfoldshirt..."

"Say it with me," Gordon patiently instructed. "Staffordshire Bull Terrier." This went on for like ten minutes. It reminded me of a Señor Wences routine. My eyes began to drift back down to my Jesus Phone.

Finally moving on, Gordon broached the "sensitive" topic of her dog's demise. "Not to bring up any sad memories but... what happened?"

"Well," Cindy-not-Jane began, before rattling off the next bit, "my mom was living with this drug dealer at the time and they trained the dog to hate cops and black people." The last bit was delivered with less embarrassment than one would hope, sort of matter-of-factly, like it's what everyone does. The first chapter of "How To Train Pitbulls" as it were.

I'm sure I emoted at this point, either a wince, or raised eyebrows, or something else to express my surprise and discomfort. I managed a measly "I see" all the while thinking "Where the hell is that watch battery?"

She elaborated: "The house had these vault doors..." (An inconsequential detail.)

"Uhuh."

"And the cops bust in," continued Let's-Say-Cindy, "and he took off and bit the first cop's balls off."

At this point the other young lady working the chronologically-themed kiosk felt compelled to jump in. "Bit them off?" she asked, which in her native tongue, Text Message, is written: "OMG! WTF?!"

Cindy replied with her rapier wit: "Yea, he had a high voice from that day on!" How droll. Kudos to you.

"Ouch," I mustered.

"So they shot the dog," she concluded.

"I think I would have shot him too," Gordon offered, logically, adding: "And I'm a dog lover!"

I felt the need to inject a quick aside. "You love your Joy Department more, though," I quipped. Hard to follow up that "high-voice" gem, but somehow I managed.

"Well, they shouldn't have broken into the house!" was Cindy's defensive response.

At some point a watch battery was replaced, I'm not sure when. It doesn't really matter. Gordon payed whatever ridiculous (and possibly usurious) fee is associated with unscrewing four screws and we went on our way.

When we were out of earshot, Gordon commented on the transaction. "See, now, being friendly and striking up a conversation can have its rewards: Sometimes you walk away with a great story."

He certainly had a point, but I couldn't help but think that we'd have been better off not engaging whatever-her-name-was to begin with.

"There are two word for that," I said, nodding back at the girl in the booth. "'Damaged Goods.'"

Just saying hi

2008-08-14T16:06:00.003-04:00

that's all.

...and also, I'm pretty sure I got hit on by an avocado today.

It is pretty shapely.

iPhone 2.0 Apps: 10+ Things That Annoy Me

2008-07-16T17:19:00.001-04:00

As part of the launch of iPhone 3G, Apple has released the latest iteration of the iPhone firmware (2.0), shipped with the new phone and available as a download for the first generation. Although the update ads some functionality and tweaks here and there, it's most notable for its inclusion of app support. Initially, Apple indicated that the iPhone would be a closed environment with no support for 3rd party applications. Not long after the phone's debut, however, Apple changed its mind, likely due to the community criticism of the original decision and the number of phones being jailbroken to allow custom apps to run on them.

I have updated my first gen iPhone to the new firmware and waded into the world of Apps. Honestly, I can't believe that Apple wasn't going to go this route all along: the iPhone is a great mobile platform with a sexy display and organic method of input. Over all I think the new app experience is great. There are already many apps out there that extend the devices capabilities or offer new ones. The "App Store" is not only available through iTunes but also directly on the phone and, unlike the iTunes Music Store, allows you to use it on an Edge connection. It's easy to install apps and the on-phone store tells you when there is an update available.

But nothing is perfect. Here are the 10+ things that annoy me about the iPhone app experience:

1. The App Store Closes When An App is Installing
I understand the need to show the user that the app is installing on the "desktop", but this can be rather annoying when trying to install multiple apps in a row. The apps can clearly install in the background, so why not just keep the store open with an indicator that program x is installing, or queue them all up until you are done browsing? At least it could reopen the store when you're done.

2. Some Apps Don't Install Over Edge
In a previous firmware update the iTunes Music Store was added to the phone so that you could preview and download music without having to be at your computer. The big drawback, however, is that you have to be on a Wi-Fi network to do it. And I don't mean it's slow over Edge, I mean that the application prevents you from running it unless you are on Wi-Fi. Annoying. Fortunately, the App Store doesn't have this limitation (which they claim is in place for performance reasons). But, even though you can browse the App Store over Edge, there are some apps that won't actually install from it if they are over a certain size limit. "" I'm looking at you.

3. If You Delete An App On The Phone, iTunes Will Put It Back On When Syncing
But I decided that app was lame! Stop putting it back! Maybe the delete popup could ask if you want to delete it and not put it back during sync.

4. Some Apps Are Crash-Prone
I thought Apple products didn't crash? As an Application Developer I'm not surprised--bugs happen. As a user, though, I'm annoyed when my entire phone reboots after starting a program and disappointed in the lack of testing. Shozu, I'm looking at you.

5. Not All Apps Respect the Mute Switch
I suppose the hardware mute switch on the side of the phone was intended mostly as a ringer mute switch, but really I think it should mute all sounds. For the most part it does that--with the mute switch enabled, you don't hear notification sounds or keyboard taps or ringtones. Videos and music still play, though, which can be jolting if you accidentally pocket-surf to "Back in Black" during your morning meeting or something. The behavior is inconsistent between Apple applications and that trend follows to 3rd Party Apps. Some respect it, while others blatantly disregard it. I'll wager that half the people who bought games for the iPhone did so in order to have something fun to do while taking their post-lunch constitutional. But personally, I'm too afraid to start up my games for fear of letting everyone in the bathroom know that the guy in stall #2 is playing Tetris. EA I'm looking at you.

6. Every App Seems to Want Location Access. Every Time. Repeatedly.
Any app that is even remotely "location aware" (and even some that aren't--why does my Sudoku game need to know my location?) seems to want to repeatedly ask if it is okay to use your GPS (or faux-GPS) coordinates. A cool feature, and I guess I understand the privacy concerns, but do they have to ask each time I start them up? And why can't they remember that I told them yes or no last time? Seriously, even Google Maps does this, and it has a button that you have to push to activate the location search.

7. Adding a New App Fills the First Empty Hole on the Desktop
Is it too much to ask that we can decide what page we won't are new app on? It's not hard to move the icon around once the install is done but it is annoying.

8. Updating an App Causes It To Delete the Old Icon and Place the New One God Knows Where
If it knows to delete the old icon, shouldn't it just put the new one in its place?

9. No Application Developers Kit For Windows
I know it would involve emulation the iPhone Mac OS X environment on a Windows box, but what can I say, I don't currently have an Apple machine, yet I want to develop for the iPhone. At some point Apple is going to have to realize that this closed-platform mindset limits growth (and annoys developers/users).

10. App Store Name Gaming
If you put a space (or some other symbol I suppose) in front of your application's name in the App Store it will show up at the top of the list instead of where it should alphabetically. Lame.

11. Most Non-Free Apps Don't Come With A Free Demo
Perhaps software and video games have "spoiled" me, but if I'm going to shell out some cash for your application I'd at least like to try it first. Some people say "Super Monkey Ball" rocks, others say the controls suck. How will I know if I can't demo it? Plus, what if I'm not really sure I'll like/need an application and then I try it and find out it's just what I've been looking for?

12. Repeated Password Entry is Annoying
App downloads on the iPhone require you to enter your password. This is nice if your buddy decides it would be funny to buy "Hannah Montana Hillbilly Golf" for you, but if the application is free do I really need this added step? A confirmation dialog would suffice in that case, methinks.

Do you have an iPhone? What do you like/dislike about the App Store and apps in general?

(I don't ever want to type the word "app" again...)

Finally, Someone Other Than Me Thinks I'm Awesome

2008-06-24T18:30:00.000-04:00

"You're awesome," she said, smiling as she handed me back the Xbox controller.

"I am?" I was genuinely surprised at the remark. Used to touting my own awesomeness, I am unaccustomed to having the praise heaped upon me. "Why do you say that?"

"Because you let me play games with you. You share and are patient." She gave me the sweetest, most honest look.

I smiled at her, appreciative of the comment and curious that she would feel that way. "Well, I'm not 'letting' you play with me. We're playing together... I want to game with you, and want you to enjoy gaming with me."

She returned my smile and added a hug.

"See, that's why you're awesome!"

This discourse took place a few weeks ago and although it might be paraphrased a bit (damn my lack of a photographic memory) I assure you it is an accurate representation of events. I was thoroughly enjoying "Penny Arcade Adventures", whiling away hours on the couch while the girlfriend took the opportunity to do some chores and tasks around her house she had been putting off. From time to time she would come over to the couch to say hello and see what was going on in the game.

At one point she sat down next to me. I was at a part in the game where you have to engage in a few mini games to move forward. Taking place in a carnival setting, these games involve your standard carnival fare: popping balloons, toppling bottles, and the boardwalk favorite skee ball. I took a crack at them and then, without warning or much forethought, simply handed her the controller and prompted her to "give it a shot."

She gave me a little pleased look that said, "Really?" and proceeded to happily partake in the mini games, showing particular proficiency for virtual skee ball. She enjoyed herself, and I enjoyed watching her.

This simple act of gaming kindness prompted the exchange I lead with (re: my awesomeness). I guess I should thank my parents for teaching me how to share.

Now, it should be said that my girlfriend isn't your run-of-the-mill, ordinary, boring girl. She's a geek, like us. She did well in school, has been to a few Ren-Faires in her time, quotes Monty Python when appropriate (and even when not), and has her fair share of experience with THAC0. Gaming is in her nature, though she doesn't play nearly as often as I do.

Having said all this about her background, she still thanks me for "letting" her play video games with me. She even apologizes if we fail a tough song in Rock Band or lose a doubles match in Halo 3, as if I'd somehow be mad.

It seems so simple and obvious to me to share my gaming with her--it's, quite frankly, awesome that she takes an interest in my hobby. Yet, she thanks me for being patient, and apologizes for "not being very good". She's genuinely appreciative of my efforts to play with her and happy I don't get mad at her for "sucking". Apparently, my behavior must be the exception, when I assumed it was the rule.

So, here's a lesson for any guys out there who want their girlfriend to game with you. Expose them to a lot of different games. Don't force it. Be patient. Be a good sport. Basically, be a good boyfriend, and you may find yourself in couples gaming bliss.

I'm Certain I Can't Dance

2008-06-17T17:03:00.000-04:00

The girlfriend enjoys the show "So You Think You Can Dance" and has, I must say, gotten me hooked as well. In the first or second episode they showed a popper whose moves just blew me away. I have watched this clip a half dozen times now and I don't think I'll ever get tired of it.

Check out the crazy talented Robert Muraine doing his amazing dance routine to an instrumental of Swizz Beatz "It's Me Bitches":

Unannounced Features of the 3G iPhone

2008-06-10T13:20:00.001-04:00

Yesterday at the Worldwide Developers Conference, Steve Jobs officially announced the next iteration of the iPhone. With his keynote running long, there were a few features he forgot to mention. In addition to apps, 3G data connectivity, and GPS, the new iPhone will have:

A Mirror.
USB hub.
Bottle opener.
Tooth whitener.
Spork.
Telescoping antenna.
Telescope.
Truth lasso.
Pocket Fisherman.
Tiki god.
Notary public.
Power of Attorney.
Waffle iron.
Waffles.
Irons.
Jumprope.
Night vision.
GFCI.
Breathalyzer.
Pipe cleaner.
Soil sample collector.
Jaw harp.
Handcuffs.
Flyswatter.
LoJack.
Novelty sticker reading "Unless you're a hemmerhoid, get off my ass."

When asked why MMS messaging and "Copy and Paste" weren't announced, Jobs waved his hand and said "These aren't the features you're looking for."

(Photo Credit: Engadget)

Christ, I'm On Twitter Now

2008-05-27T12:30:00.003-04:00

In spite of the fact that I haven't contributed much in the way of reading material here at WITFITS in months, I went ahead and signed up for Twitter.

Yet another service I can join and then ignore a month later.

For those not in the know, Twitter is sort of a micro-blogging service, centered around 140 character (max) text posts. It can be posted to via the website, SMS, instant message, or third party plugin.

If blogs answer the question "What did your cat do yesterday?" then Twitter answers the question "What did your cat do 3 seconds ago?" No, seriously.

I don't know why I signed up. I guess cause I wanted to follow all the cool people, like Veronica, and Leo, and Ze. Or maybe I just figured that I don't have time to write the overly wordy prose I used to on this site and so perhaps a micro-blogging tool would be a good outlet for my bursts of micro-creativity.

Although, in all fairness it'll probably look like this:

Kato Katonian

I just ate peanut M&Ms. about 5 minutes ago from web

I'm eating peanut M&Ms. about 6 minutes ago from web

I like peanut M&Ms. about 7 minutes ago from web

Not exactly Pulitzer material, unless they've started giving out a prize for spouting off whatever is on the top of my head (*crossing fingers*).

If I keep up with it you can follow me at:
http://twitter.com/KatoKatonian

Anyone else out there "tweeting"?

Dear WITFITS

2008-05-22T09:53:00.001-04:00

I miss you.

Love,
Kato

Halo + The A-Team

2008-05-06T12:39:00.001-04:00

Two great tastes that taste great together.

RSS Awareness Day

2008-05-01T15:34:00.001-04:00

WHAT IS RSS?

From RSSDay.org:

RSS (Really Simple Syndication) is a format used to deliver information from websites and pages that get updated regularly. An RSS document (which is called feed) contains either a summary or the full content from a website.

The main benefit of RSS is that it enables people to stay connected with their favorite websites without having to visit them. Once you subscribe to a particular RSS feed, you will automatically receive updates from the website that publishes the feed, whenever they release new content.

Check out the RRSDay.org website for more information.

DOES WITFITS/KATONIAN.NET USE RSS?

Damn skippy. You can subscribe using the RSS link below:
http://www.katonian.net/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss?orderby=published

You can also subscribe in your favorite service by clicking on it on the WITFITS Feeds page.

It's Hard To Eat Cake From A Sandwich Bag

2008-04-29T14:17:00.000-04:00

To celebrate my impending, let's say Zinc, birthday, I decided to pack a piece of cake to eat after my lunch. Rushing out of the apartment this morning, as I am wont to do, I didn't have time to find an appropriate Tupperware container and instead chose to stuff my fluffy slice of tastiness into an average sandwich bag.

Sandwich bags, by the way, were apparently not meant for shuttling cake back and forth. Ostensibly they are designed for sandwiches. Pretzels, even, or Ritz Bitz, perhaps, but not cake. Not cake.

Upon realizing that it was the appropriate time to consume my birthday confection (that is to say "after lunch" and "before falling into a food coma") I retrieved the aforementioned "baggie" and set to devouring its contents. Initial inspections indicated that retrieving the cake from its plastic sheath would prove difficult. I am not sure if you are aware but cake frosting has a nasty habit of clinging to, well, everything: bags, plates, boxes, brides. Hungry, I opened the bag and stuck my plastic utensil inside, probing for a foothold (or rather, forkhold) upon the fluffy edifice. I succeeded, pulling away a small section, shoving it greedily into my mouth. I repeated this process, each time finding my efforts rewarded by less and less cake, the substance that was, in fact, the object of this entire exercise.

Eventually, a scraping method was employed to collect the now thoroughly pulverized cake remains and direct them to my "cake-hole" (perched, as you might have imagined, quite near the baggie mouth). Of course the situation escalated when the last of these morsels was exhausted: liberating the recalcitrant frosting from the plastic womb required more drastic measures. Faced with no alternative, I was forced to violate the integrity of the sandwich bag and turn it inside out, wearing it on my hand like a mitten, greedily suckling it like an infant at a sweet frosting teat.

Do not pity me, for at least I can walk away having experienced the full bounty of that slice of dessert. Lesser men would have been happy with just a taste. Not I. Not I.

But never forget this simple truth: It's hard to eat cake from a sandwich bag. But it's no less delicious.

Quality Standards

2008-04-17T16:42:00.000-04:00

Wikipedia is, for the most part, all kinds of awesome. Still, an encyclopedia that relies on the unwashed masses to generate its content can lead to some less-than-polished prose.

Behold the following:

Geodude's name comes from the word "Geode" as in a rock with a sparkly inside, and "Dude," usually used to describe a certain kind of male person.

Set Phasers To: Rock

2008-04-15T15:48:00.001-04:00

Clever gamers IceAndrews and his friends decided to recruit members of the U.S.S. Enterprise D crew to form a totally awesome Rock Band, "The Ready Room":

(seen at Kotaku)

The Cake Is A Lie!

2008-04-13T15:00:00.001-04:00

The local Giant Eagle grocery is clearly in league with Aperture Science.

Props to Red Octane Support

2008-04-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

Red Octane, makers of the Guitar Hero franchise, ships a wireless controller with their third installment in the popular series. Being wireless it requires batteries. Unfortunately it does not use the Xbox 360's chargeable battery packs, so you're stuck with using AA batteries or you can buy a rechargeable battery kit from Red Octane specifically for the device (perhaps part of the reason they don't support Microsoft's solution). Being a fan of rechargeability, I opted for the latter, and purchased said kit and two batteries a few months ago.

The other day I noticed that one of my battery packs had developed a defect--a slight depression and bubble on the surface. With Sony's "exploding laptop batteries" freshly in mind, I quickly removed it from the charger and set it aside. Can't be too careful, and a deformation could indicate a defect or a internal problem.

I contacted Red Octane and explained the problem, providing photographic evidence of the failure, fully expecting some laborious process to get it replaced or refunded. To my pleasant surprise, they contacted me promptly to apologize for the inconvenience and to let me know they were shipping me a replacement free of charge.

So, goodonya Red Octane for your customer support.

Merlin Mann Ice Cream

2008-04-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

5ive Possible Flavors for a Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Named for Merlin Mann:

Merlin Minnt.
43 Flavors.
Verlin Manilla.
Inbox Zero Celsius.
Churnin Manngo.

Fool Me Once...

2008-04-01T15:20:00.000-04:00

Ah, April Fool's Day, the bastion of prankery, and in some places an excuse to stick fish to people.
Here are some of the pranks I've come across today:

How Stuff Works explains the new green The Air Force One Hybrid.
ThinkGeek is offering some interesting items. I'm definitely picking up Super Pii Pii brothers for the Wii.
CNET News.com is reporting Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg to Host SNL.
World of Warcraft announced a new Bard class that can vanquish its enemies with the "power of rock".
Xbox.com is advertising some new Spring items. Honestly, I've been waiting for Xbox Live the Boardgame for some time now.
Bungie.net's player map seems to have found Mister Chief.
Wizards of the Coast has updated their site to advertise D&D 4. The site now features 100% less art!
WotC has also updated the D&D 4 errata. Who knew that D&D doesn't use dice anymore, but rather a core mechanic of rock-paper-scissors?
Engadget Mobile has tweaked their logo a little in response to a cease and desist sent from T-Mobile concerning their use of the color magenta.
Gizmodo appears to have been taken over by Mr. T.
Google introduces Gmail Custom Time to ensure all of your e-mails are on time, even if you send them late, and is teaming up with Virgin to send you to Mars.
The Wookiepedia has been translated to Aurebesh.
Astronomy Picture of the Day is reporting that new International Space Station robot, Dextre, is demanding to be called "Dextre the Magnificent".
IGN has the exclusive Legend of Zelda movie trailer.
Kotaku is now exclusively covering cakes.
Veronica Belmont of Mahalo Daily interviews Steve Jobs.
Last but not least, check out some of the great Featured Videos on YouTube.

Hat Hatery

2008-03-20T11:45:00.002-04:00

Welcome back to Hat Hatery. Last week we talked about the much maligned chapeau of the French persuasion: the Beret. This week we will be focusing on the tiresome Pork Pie Hat.

From it's ridiculous name to the audacious indented short crown, the Pork Pie hat deserves every bit of scorn it receives. The headware of choice for layabouts and holier-than-though retro hipster types, it practically begs you to knock it off its wearer's smug head. In truth, half of the disdain for the Pork Pie is simply through association: Only assholes wear Pork Pie hats. Some might argue that it is unfair then to direct so much ridicule to the cap. I disagree. It has long been held in the hat world that the Hat and the Wearer are two halves of one whole and must be judged as such.

That's all the time we have for This Week in Hats, join me next time when we'll discuss The Stovepipe: Short Man's Savior, or Top Hat Gone Wild.

My Current Least-Favorite Buzzword

2008-03-17T14:05:00.000-04:00

Perfect storm.

Its frequent use and abuse really limits the synergy of my paradigm.

Math/Dessert Lovers Rejoice

2008-03-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

Happy Pi Day!

(I think it's also "Steak & Blowjob Day" in some parts of the world.)

Burnout Paradise Spawns Leave Something to be Desired

2008-03-14T12:03:00.000-04:00

Much like real life, when you get into a horrific high-speed crash, you sometimes spawn suspended above the highway intersecting a crosswalk. It happens.

Fare Thee Well, Dungeon Master

2008-03-04T14:49:00.001-05:00

Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, has passed away.

Travel safe, Gary. Thanks for all the adventures. Rest In Peace.

Some tributes to Gary Gygax on the web:

Optimus Prime Evolution Of Dance

2008-02-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

The Internet continues to feed childhood love of the Transformers.

My Own Personal Unimatrix Zero

2008-02-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

I dream a lot. When I'm asleep mostly, though if you pass by my desk shortly after lunch you may see a blank look on my face which indicates I'm daydreaming (or I have a Twinkee stuck in my esophagus--either possibility is just as likely). Most of the times my dreams are pitifully mundane (seriously, we're dreaming about watching TV now?) and often they pull from a roster of typical reoccurring dreams:

Kato is back in school but doesn't know his class schedule.

Kato is in his underwear in a public place.

Kato is back in school and doesn't know his underwear.

You get the idea. But the other night I had one of my more interesting dreams. I was sitting in the lunch room of my old high school ("The Commons" as it was called), but unlike my usual anxiety dreams, I wasn't confused about where to go when the bell rang or afraid that I was going to fail the final because I hadn't been to any classes. No, the setting was considerably more relaxed. I think it was early morning, before the first bell, before we could go to our lockers and homeroom.

Other than being a walk down memory lane, this dream wouldn't have been particularly notable except for who I found sitting in the lunch room with me. As I sat there waiting for the bell, the radio or intercom was on, maybe something akin to "morning announcements". Mixed in was a little ad encouraging people to check out Galacticast. At hearing mention of the sci-fi parody web series I gave an appropriate "Woo!" to show my support. Wouldn't you know it, I looked over to one of the other tables in the sparsely-populated lunch room to find none other than Casey McKinnon sitting there.

Dreams are awesome, aren't they?

She looked up when she heard my cat call and gave me a smile of appreciation. Noticing the attention, and ever the smart ass, I added with a wry grin, "Of course, it's no Mahalo Daily...." and gestured to another table. There sat Veronica Belmont, diligently studying. Casey put her hands on her hips and frowned. I don't think Veronica even heard.

At this point it would be prudent for me to point out something in case Misses Belmont or McKinnon (or, more importantly, Misters Block or Jahchan) read this. This was a perfectly G-Rated dream. It didn't break out into a spontaneous sexy pillow fight or anything (I don't have those kinds of dreams--like I said, my subconscious fantasizes about television and sitting on the couch, apparently). But honestly, dreaming that I'm hanging out with some of my tech/geek/internet idols is way better than some tawdry adolescent romp.

(Not that there's anything wrong with adolescent romps).

Of course, this whole situation seemed perfectly natural to me, even though I clearly didn't attend school with either of these internet video entrepreneurs. I don't remember much else, other than the fact that I then proceeded to get up and go over to talk to them both about video production, an act which clearly dictated this was fantasy and not a flashback. The real high school Kato would probably have taken all morning to get up the courage to go over and talk, started walking toward the table of girls, only to chicken out when one of them looked up. HS Kato would abort the mission, making a bee-line for the vending machine to grab a "Chilly Willy" or a Chocolate Milk, adjusting his glasses uncomfortably and shuffling his feet as he pretended it was his destination all along.

So, anyway, I apparently fantasize that I went to school with well-known contemporary geeks. I wish the dream had gone on longer (or that I could remember it better)--I wanted to take a look around to see who else might have been sitting in my fantasy lunch room. Maybe Gabe and Tycho working on a comic in the corner? Or Randall Munroe sitting nearby finishing his math homework while doodling in the margins? Would upperclassmen Ze Frank and Jonathan Coulton be hamming it up at the "Senior Table"? I bet Molly Wood and Tom Merritt would be delivering the morning announcements. Of course who would notice all of this when you're tasked with determining the best way to relieve an Orc of his pie in Wil Wheaton's D&D game.

*tingle* Now that would have been an awesome high school experience. Never mind the fact that the small sampling of attendees presented here vary in age by as much as fifteen years. Never mind that they live in different parts of the country and it would take some crazy Steven King-esque "A bunch of strangers somehow wind up together" type of fluke to make it happen. It would still be awesome. It would be Eden. It would be Utopia. It would be my own Unimatrix Zero.

We can all dream, can't we?

HD DVD is Dead

2008-02-20T12:50:00.001-05:00

So apparently the high-definition format war is over.

And, as one might expect, I picked the loser in this technological pissing match.

If you've been under a rock for the past year or so you may not have known that we were embroiled in a fierce format war. The generals of each camp, Sony and Toshiba, each set loose on the high definition battlefield their own hand-picked champions: Blu-Ray and the more aptly named HD DVD, respectively.

Technologically they were quite similar, with differences between them lying mostly in total storage capacity and interface implementation. What was important was that they were both formats for storing High Definition video content. Anyone who has watched a High Definition movie or television show will attest that it looks gorgeous (it should, high def contains about 6 times the information that standard definition does). It was about time we started thinking about upgrading our television resolutions.

Sony sought out to win the format war by building the Blu-Ray player into their current generation console, the PlayStation 3, gambling that the popularity of the unit would have the benefit of establishing an early beachhead in the homes of many consumers. Toshiba had no such "secret" weapon and had to rely on undercutting their competition's steep prices (both for the PS3 and standalone Blu-Ray players) and working with Sony competitors such as Microsoft to offer an add-on HD DVD player for their current gen console, the Xbox 360. Both camps would rely on behind-the-scenes deals with movie studios to attempt to sway favor (and, more importantly, exclusivity) and gain the upper-hand.

Already owning a 360 and wanting desperately to sample this budding and attractive high definition video market, I went the early adopter route and purchased said HD DVD drive for the 360. The movie 300, which I loved at the theater, was about to be released on video and I salivated over the prospect of watching it in 1920x1080 resolution. Faced with buying a PlayStation 3, a standalone player, or an add-on to my Xbox 360, the HD DVD add-on drive was the only thing that made financial sense. For less than $200 I could add high definition video capability to my existing system. 300 came out, the price on the player dropped another $20 bucks, and I walked out of Best Buy with a new toy under my arm.

And then Toshiba somehow royally screwed it up. Microsoft didn't seem to do much to support them (why should they when what they really care about is people downloading high def content via their Marketplace service), and Sony clearly backed up dump trucks full of money to the doors of studios to secure their partnerships. Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Blockbuster, and Netflix saw the signs and in recent weeks all but abandoned HD DVD in favor of Blu-Ray.

*sigh* At least it's over and we have one major format for our next generation content. But I'm stuck with a device that supports a quickly obsolescing medium. I'm too honest to go on eBay and pawn off my player to some poor schmuck who doesn't know any better. No, instead, I will become my generation's "Laserdisc Guy". When guests are over to the house I will invite them into my entertainment room with the promise of showing them "Something I bet you've never seen before". I will lead them to a cabinet that will hold an Xbox 360 and HD DVD in mint condition, carefully dusted and seemingly untouched by human hands. I will reveal my vast library of titles: 300, King Kong, Shaun of the Dead, Training Day, and they will ooh and aww over those old "classics". I will carefully remove the foreign-looking disc from its shiny red plastic case, holding it by the edges, my hand draped in an expensive and soft piece of fabric. I will clean the disc once, in a counter-clockwise circular motion, before inserting it gingerly into the player. An hour will go by as I wax on about it being "before its time" and "way better than anything else that was out at the time". I will make the inevitable comparison to Betamax. My audience will dwindle as guests find excuses to leave the room "for a moment", until that one too-polite guy is stuck there listening to me prattle on. Finally I will put away my treasure and close the cabinet again--a cabinet that, from all outward appearances is devoted solely to this device--and will close the door behind me until the next time I have guests.

Oh well, at least I have "Serenity" (an HD DVD exclusive). That movie alone may have made it all worthwhile.

He's Not A System, He's A Man

2008-02-19T12:37:00.001-05:00

After a hard day of battling stormtroopers, he likes to kick back with an ice cold Colt 45 and lead a high-speed chase through the streets of Poughkeepsie.

It's Not Easy Being Green

2008-02-15T13:33:00.000-05:00

I had a hankering for a Snickers bar the other day so I purchased one from a little charity fund at work. I plunked down a few cents and greedily unwrapped one end, shoving it quickly into my mouth. It wasn't as good as I was hoping, and as I pulled it away from my hungry maw I glanced at the now exposed innards of the remaining bar. What I saw frightened me.

It was green.

I stopped chewing immediately, my eyes widening, my stomach churning, and I looked for a trash can to spit into. In the confusion, I flipped the bar over in my hand--I was holding it with the front of the wrapper in my palm--and the marketing on the face set me at ease... sort of. It was some special Shrek-branded Snickers and the sickening green filling was intentional. I don't know what this green stuff was--food coloring, grasshoppers, ground up Shrek--but it didn't really make me eager to finish the rest of the candy bar. The wrapper claimed it was a different color, but "same great taste", but I have to disagree. Of course, since I suspect it was a Halloween promotion, I imagine the four months it sat around didn't improve the flavor.

Anyway, here's a message to food manufacturers: If you are tempted to dye your food green when it isn't already, don't. It's not clever... it's kinda gross.

Then again, had it been a deal with Bungie to make it a Master Chief Snickers, I probably would have cut it more slack.

The Man With the Hat Is Back!

2008-02-14T12:55:00.001-05:00

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

At Least Someone Thinks I Am

2008-02-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

The other day at work, a woman addressed me as "Handsome".

She's older, married, and the kind of person who refers to everyone as "Sweetie" or "Honey" but still, I puffed up my chest a little and strutted down the hall like the cock-of-the-walk.

I'll take my compliments where I can get 'em.

"I can't make it on my own"

2008-02-06T15:50:00.000-05:00

I just finished my first run through of Mass Effect the other day. It took me around 60 hours to complete (not counting reloads, etc.), so it was a substantial investment in time. But I thoroughly enjoyed it. I sat back and watched the ending cinematic, reveling in the conclusion of the first part of BioWare's space opera trilogy. The credits began to roll and I decided to sit through them as I might with a good movie, partly to take in the myriad names of people involved in the project, and partly in hopes that there might be something after the credits worth waiting for.

As I sat there I took in the end credit theme. I expected a reprise of the main theme or other music from the game, but I was treated to something different, something I hadn't heard before. Starting off simply and unassumingly with a drum kick rhythm and ambient keyboard, the tune quickly builds as an electric guitar plucks out a melody. The singer enters, in a breathiness appropriate to the somewhat ethereal sound backing him: "I / have wondered about you / where will you be / when this is through?" The song builds from there and continues on for a good eight minutes, all worth listening to.

I waited to see the name of the band in the credits but either missed it or it wasn't there (and if so, for shame BioWare!) But a quick trip to Google answered the question almost immediately--apparently I'm not alone in enjoying the tune and wanting to know more. Apparently, it's called "M4, Pt. II" by an Edmonton band called Faunts. I was surprised to find that the song wasn't written for the game because it was an excellent choice for the end credits both in sound and in content. If you've played the game and heard the song, you'd probably agree that there are several sentiments expressed that reflect well characters and situations in the game, for instance the lyric quoted in the title of this post, as well as the segment in which Faunts asks "If all goes as planned / will you redeem / my life again?"

Without much hesitation I jumped onto iTunes, found the track, and bought it. That's a first for me--I don't think I've ever bought a song from the soundtrack to a game before.

In case you're wondering, here's the song, as uploaded to YouTube (no video, just audio).

Lyrics available at LyricWiki.

You can also check out their myspace/faunts page which features a shorter radio version of the tune.

If you are interested in buying it, the following iTunes link should bring up the song in iTunes (from their album, not from the Mass Effect soundtrack):

M4, Pt. II - Faunts
It should be noted that there is an iTunes Plus version available (which is DRM free) but I found it doesn't come up when you search on the song, it only seems to come up if you search on the album M4.

M4 - Faunts

Phrase I Would Never Expect To Hear, But Would Be Delighted To

2008-02-05T17:25:00.000-05:00

"That is one classy blowfish."

Tonsilitis: 1. Kato: 0

2008-02-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

Someone at work needs to learn how to wash their effing hands.

KATO STATUS:

Tonsil: Golf-ball proportions.
Swallowing: Glass.
Temperature: Freezing/Burning.
Attitude: Kill me.

I anxiously await a visit to my doctor. Until then I'll just enjoy the hallucinations I guess.

Oh look, a Gremlin. Please don't eat me Mr. Gremlin...

iHaloStats: Halo 3 Stats For Your iPhone

2008-01-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

After my exercise in how to create 3D screenshots in Halo 3, I decided I wanted a bigger challenge. Having recently acquired an iPhone, I realized it was a handy device on which one could view their stats. The only problem was that Bungie's stats site isn't tailored for the tight confines of Apple's touch-screen phone.

It was time to flex my programming muscles.

After a couple of months of feverish work, I can proudly present iHaloStats, a webapp for viewing Halo 3 stats on the iPhone.

You can reach it at www.ihalostats.com. To quote my somewhat uninspired copy posted in Apple's online webapps directory: "iHaloStats: Check a player’s vital Halo 3 statistics, including service record, medals, weapon use, and rank history. All the important information at your fingertips."

If you're not on an iPhone you can point any browser at site, but it should be noted that the experience was customized for the iPhone version of Safari and other browsers may not render it faithfully. Internet Explorer refuses to display it and Firefox doesn't support some of the nice CSS 3 elements like drop shadows, rounded borders, and color transparency.

But enough talk. Let's see some screenshots using Director of Programming for Xbox Live Larry Hyrb's gamertag, "Major Nelson", as an example:

All pages display in portrait or landscape orientation.

This is how you search for a player's stats.

The Service Record gives a breakdown of vital stats.

The navbar can be "scrolled" left or right by tapping the appropriate arrow button, revealing more options.

In landscape the navbar orients vertically.

Many elements can be tapped to bring up further stats. On the Service Record page, medals, pins, and the player portrait can be tapped (shown here) to display detailed information.

The rest of the navbar buttons can also be seen in this shot.

The Medal Chest shows various awards and their count. Drop down selectors display medals for ranked, social, or campaign, and on a map by map basis.

Medals can be tapped to bring up additional information.

The Weapon Stats page shows the number of kills with each weapon and the percentage of use. Drop down selectors display stats for ranked or social, and on a map by map basis.

Weapons can be tapped to bring up additional information.

The Rank History page shows the rank progression of the player.

Rank insignias can be tapped to display additional information.

Visit www.iHaloStats.com to check it out. Feedback can be sent to MasterChief@iHaloStats.com. You can also check out the iHaloStats blog at www.iHaloStats.net to keep tabs on the latest changes, etc.

"Star Trek" HD Trailer

2008-01-22T13:15:00.000-05:00

It's so... beautiful...

Oooh, They Have Lyrics on the iPhone Now

2008-01-16T04:03:00.000-05:00

The latest firmware patch to the iPhone ads the ability to display lyrics. Of course, you have to provide these yourself, but it's a start. I found iLyrics to be useful in this task (it downloads lyrics from LyricWiki.org)--it's not the prettiest application, but it does a decent enough job.

Happy Trogday '08!

2008-01-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

Crap, I suck at remembering birthdays! Happy Trogday, S is For Sucks Dragon!

Dinner Shouldn't Be A Disappointment

2008-01-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

A recipe for disaster:

Year old butter + Box of Kraft's finest = Skunky Mac & Cheese.

Buh.

I was so very hungry that I didn't trust the first awful bite. Maybe it was me. Maybe I was tired. But the second confirmed it. Also, my tongue felt vaguely numb.

That'll teach me not to buy more butter.

Still, there's nothing quite so disheartening as a food disappointment. I didn't know what I wanted for dinner when I made my quick shopping trip but the comfort of the old classic called to me (besides, when have the Canadians been wrong about anything?) So, you can imagine I was quite crestfallen (you heard me) when it turned out to be inedible.

Sigh.

I made up for it with a nice tasty bowl of oatmeal (with milk, cause water is for wimps and hobos). It hit the spot, and the extra heaping spoonful of brown sugar helped to ease my pain. Even still, I don't think I'll ever shake the feeling that somehow I was cheated a meal. Someone, somewhere, owes me a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

With fresh butter this time, of course.

Adventures In Album Art

2008-01-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

I continue my adventures in assuring that I don't own a damned MP3 that doesn't have album art.

Sometimes iTunes has a very weird idea of what the right album art is. For instance, check out the picture accompanying this post. Guess what CD it thought it was appropriate for? Just guess. You'll never get it...

The Lord of the Rings Soundtrack.

Maybe there's a Bollywood version of Tolkien's epic that I am not familiar with.

Oh, Crap... Happy New Year!

2008-01-06T02:17:00.000-05:00

It's like, what, six days into 2008, and I haven't wished everyone a Happy New Year.

Sorry.

Bad human.

So yea, Happy Happy and all that good stuff. I made no resolutions this year, cause let's be honest, that's all bullshit.

2007 was a decent enough year, so here's hoping 2008 is even better. Though, we got a big snowstorm the first day of the year, and not too long ago I dumped an entire can of pop in my lap, so that doesn't bode well...

Most Amusing Family Holiday Moment

2007-12-28T15:58:00.000-05:00

For me it had to be when my 60 year old mother channeled her inner diva in Rock Band and belted out the vocals to a bunch of songs. Of course by "belting out" I mean "timidly muttered", but to her credit she sang several songs--of her own volition--without even knowing the words. At one point I looked around and realized I was playing a video game with my sister, girlfriend, and mom. It was surreal, hilarious, and great fun.

I should have formed a band right then and there: Kato's Angels.

Did you have any amusing holiday moments with friends, family, pets, or loved ones?

Merry Christmas 2007

2007-12-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

Snowbot wishes you a Merry Christmas. He also wants me to tell you that there are "many copies" and that they "have a plan", whatever that's supposed to mean.

Although I'm currently in the "Land that Broadband Forgot", I have one of these little dudes from ThinkGeek ~~gracing~~ guarding my desk at home and can assure you that he is awesome. Someone uploaded his awesomeness to YouTube for all to enjoy:

Here's hoping yours was a very Merry Christmas, where applicable.

Christ-mas is all around us...

2007-12-24T12:55:00.000-05:00

come on and let it snow!

If you've ever seen the movie "Love Actually" you'll get the reference.

Christmas is tomorrow. Here's hoping Santa brings you what you asked for. Personally, all I want is to never hear that damn Mariah Carey song again. All you want for Christmas is me. I get it, already. Now quit stalking me, you're in every store I've walked into the past three weeks!

Worst Rendition of A Christmas Song Evar

2007-12-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

"O Holy Night" has never been performed with such disregard for tone or harmony than in the rendition presented here. As much as it may pain you, you simply must listen through to the end. It gets better (worse) as it goes. Unfathomable, but true.

To quote Norm Macdonald: "Happy Birthday, Jesus. I hope you like crap."

Throaty McLozenge

2007-12-21T13:26:00.001-05:00

It's Winter again and I sound like an asbestos factory worker with a 4-pack-a-day habit.

Yes, that's right folks, Kato popped his out of his cubicle and saw his shadow which means six more weeks of mucus!

Joy of joys. From this point on you can just call me "Throaty McLozenge" (of the Ohio McLozenges, not the Boston McLozenges who are distant cousins). I already have enough gripes about the winter, might as well tack on a constant hacking cough to the mix. My lungs are like a canary in a coal mine, sensitive little buggers. Air too dry? Cough. Air too cold? Cough. Time to go to bed? Cough. Time to get up? Cough. Showering? Cough. Drown.

Fortunately the coughing usually stops after I've shredded the Hell out of my lung tissue by expelling air (and god knows what else) from them at velocities that I can only assume exceed several times the speed of sound. I am certain my coughing is accompanied by sonic booms, which makes me a minor superhero, I think, though that is only a slight comfort. When I've tired myself out I spend the rest of the time in a perpetual state of throat-clearing. You know, like "Hey, Bob, ahem, I was looking ahem over the test aheeeem results and ahem ahem I think we should ahem focus ahem our ahem efforts on aheeeeeeeeeem examining ahem the DNA ahem evidence [trails off into another minute of 'ahem' throat-clearing]"

Whatever. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Winter still sucks.

Hope you all aren't suffering like I am. Spring, don't forsake me!

MCLozenge out.

Recurring Pet Peeve: MP3s With Missing Album Art

2007-12-17T17:54:00.000-05:00

It must be the obsessive-compulsive side of my brain but I cringe every time I see a song come up in iTunes that doesn't, for whatever reason, have album art. Something about that blank music note "no art" graphic stabs at my brain like a pick into squishy, gray-matter ice. For most albums this isn't a problem, but I've come across quite a few songs that just don't appear in the iTunes catalog for one reason or another. I spent literally an entire evening one night updating the artwork for all the little dinky b-side and uncommon tracks sitting on my hard drive so that I wouldn't have to see that little pair of notes in Cover Flow. (Damn that "Classic Hammond Organ Hits" compilation!)

Thank the Gods of Kobol for Google Image Search.

Posted From A Burger King

2007-12-11T12:30:00.000-05:00

Burger King has free wi-fi access. Who knew?

What happened to The Whopper? I used to love it but they just don't make it like they used to. Maybe they need to bring back the pure animal fat grease and non-biodegradeable wrappers to seal in the flavor.

Great Moments (Almost) In Xbox Live Trashtalking

2007-12-05T15:01:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend, inexplicably, actually enjoys playing videogames with me.

Pinch me.

This is convenient as I sometimes crave them like a pregnant woman craves pickles and ice cream. Plus, it's nice to finally hang out with a woman who doesn't roll her eyes or look dumbfounded when I proudly exclaim that I've found a way to take super awesome 3D screenshots in Halo 3.

One night we were playing said game online, in either a doubles or a team match. We lost and she didn't have a particularly great round, only scoring a few points. One of our sore-winner opponents (and there are plenty of them on Xbox Live--apparently you can't earn achievements in "Sportmanship") decided he would reveal how big of an asshat he really was by taunting her.

"You suck balls," he said in the post-game lobby.

My girlfriend, quick of wit and unfased by the base and rather unoriginal insult, replied with this gem:

"Oh yea? Well, I'm a girl, so at least I have an excuse. You're a guy, so when you do it, it just makes you gay."

The corner of my mouth turn up into a half-smile. I suspected the simpleton on the other end of the voice chat wouldn't be bright enough to comprehend what she just did there. His silence seemed to confirm my suspicions.

Then I realized her mic was muted.

Oh well, at least I heard it. I congratulated her on her comeback and proceeded to give Asshat McGee some tasty bad feedback on Live. Don't be a dick to my girlfriend, dude, unless you want to be punished and face a verbal lashing.

As a footnote, when I'm playing by myself online and someone decides to taunt me, she will sit next to me on the couch and mock them. In a match where I managed to squeak out a victory with a fantastic last-minute comeback, the second place player made some whiny, disparaging comment to me.

Her response? "It's a shame he'll never get a blowjob."

Zing!

Dumb Things I've Read Lately

2007-12-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

On the instructions for a Homedics bath spa bubble bath mat (it makes your bath bubble like a Jacuzzi):
"Do not use while sleeping."
While on the surface it seems like a timesaver, it's generally not a good idea to bathe at all while sleeping.

On the terms and conditions section of my most recent airline reservation:
"Ticket is non-refundable. Note: Waived for death of passenger."
That's awfully considerate.

On a bottle of Bath & Body Works aromatherapy body wash:
"For best results, breathe deeply."
I hear Bath & Body Works will be introducing soap-flavored desserts for the holidays. For best results, chew thoroughly then swallow.

At an intersection - not accompanied by a stop sign:
"Incoming traffic does not stop."
Well somebody better! (And also, incoming traffic does stop - there are stop signs for all other directions.)

Handwritten on a piece of paper taped to the inside of a restroom door:
"PULL HARD"
If you've already made your way into the bathroom and are facing your only way out, who is the person who tries the door, finds it a little tough to open, and just gives up? If your problem-solving ability is at a level this low, I'm not sure how you made your way out of the house this morning. (Not to mention you really didn't have to pull all that hard.)

Captioning a photograph:
"Kraft paper and ribbon used to decorate the wall."
I think this is a typo, but maybe they really did use paper made by the Kraft company to decorate the walls. Cheese theme, perhaps?

On a health facts calendar:
"Smoking is the leading cause of statistics."
I hear ignorance is the leading cause of dumb sentences.

**This just in from the Proprietor on location in Florida**
At a hotel wishing pool (about 6 inches deep):
No diving.
I don't think I need to comment.

Oh Noes!

2007-12-01T01:33:00.000-05:00

Ugh, Red Ring of Death for the second time. I expect to receive one of these in the mail any day now.

Guess this is my excuse to go buy an Elite.

Barf

2007-11-30T13:47:00.000-05:00

Does anyone use the word "barf" anymore? I don't think I've uttered the word in anything other than a parody manner in a good fifteen years. I mean, "puke" is so much better (and "yak" does well in a pinch).

Is its usage limited to youth? Do kids still say it? No, probably not, they certainly have cooler, hipper ways to convey upchuck. "Plube" they'd say, as in "Aww, man, that lunchroom meat smells so foul, it makes me want to plube!" Or, "Make out with Kevin Federline? Like, plube in my mom's shoes!"

Things I Want

2007-11-29T11:54:00.000-05:00

Things I (apparently) want, as dictated by song lyrics:

... to rock and roll all night [Kiss]
... (and party ev-ery day).
... candy. [Bow WoW Wow]
... your sex. [George Michael]
... you. [too many to count]
... you to want me. [Cheap Trick]
... a zig-a-zig-ahh. [Spice Girls]
... money. [The Beatles]
... to hold your hand. [The beatles]
... a new drug. [Huey Louis]
... a new duck. [Weird Al Yankovic]
... it all. [Queen]
... to know what love is [Foreigner]
... (and I want you to show me)
... you back. [Jackson 5]
... the sky to fall in. [The Cure]
... my MTV. [Dire Straits]
... my two front teeth (for Christmas).

Night Elf Mohawk

2007-11-28T11:25:00.000-05:00

God I love Mr. T.

"Maybe Mr. T. is pretty handy with computers" is my new favorite phrase.

The Shatner one is okay, too, but doesn't hold a candle to T.

Lipogram

2007-11-26T14:44:00.001-05:00

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

Happy Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

Gobble Gobble and what not.

Here's hoping you ate too much and got to spend the day with those important to you.

In keeping with the spirit of the holiday, thanks to all those who visited this humble chunk of cyberspace over the past year. A special thank you to those of you who contniue to come back to read my ramblings.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Tale of Two Preorders

2007-11-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

I will freely admit that I'm a raging hypocrite when it comes to preorders. I talk a big game about how they are unnecessary. I get irate when Gamestop employees threaten that if I don't preorder now, even my future children might not be able get a copy of game X. But secretly, when no one is watching, I log onto websites and salivate over the "preorder bonuses" and the promises of mythical Limited Limited Editions that exist only in cyberspace warehouses and available to the select few forward-thinking enough to invest upfront and bypass the use of a carbon-based retail systems.

I'm the battered spouse of videogame preorders.

The problem is, I keep expecting the system to live up to some idealized fantasy about how this retail mechanism should operate. Call me crazy, but shouldn't people who preorder a game--people who have locked in their choice of retailer and price on the promise of a good that doesn't yet have a tangible form--get some sort of bonus other than some game trailers already released months ago on Xbox Live, or a handful of uninspired gamer pictures? In my mind--and I admit that I live in a fantasy world where orange juice doesn't taste horrible after brushing your teeth and everything runs on nougat--you should be given some sort of tangible and worthwhile reward for locking in your sale with a retailer. Ideally I think this would be first crack at a game--the opportunity to play it as early as possible, ala the midnight release strategy sometimes employed by usual suspects.

And yet, at least in terms of online preorders, this is hardly the case.

About two months ago I complained numerous times about not receiving my preorder for Halo 3. Best Buy, the company with which I had entrusted a sum of cash as well as my hopes and dreams for Master Chief fueled mayhem, let me down in a huge way. Halo 3 was officially released at Midnight on Tuesday, September 25th. I watched as my friends all popped online with their newly acquire copies fresh from the store shrink wrap. At my PC I furiously closed my browser after seeing that my copy hadn't even shipped yet. I finally received my copy of Halo 3, ostensibly the biggest videogame release ever, late on Friday the 28th. So, in exchange for getting my money and business up front, Best Buy took almost 4 days to get me my preorder, something that I could have just bought from a brick and mortar Gamestop, Wal Mart, etc and had been playing the night of release. I held out for a couple of days because according to the Best Buy website the Special Edition I had purchased was "Limited Availability" and "Only Available Online" but as it turned it was not only readily available in stores but Wal Mart, whom I eventually bought it from so as to not give Best Buy more of my business, had a plethora of copies.

So, needless to say I'm through with preordering from Best Buy, at least if I want to receive my goods in a reasonable amount of time. It certainly doesn't help that they are using some back-assward, convoluted shipping system now that involves them, a shipping company, AND the US Postal Service. "Getting you your package sometime before the end of time". I think they may also be employing those Baby Delivery Storks and possibly a mid 20th century pneumatic tube delivery system.

Oh, and I returned my copy of Halo 3 that I bought from them, when it finally did arrive, even though it meant forfeiting a discount on Microsoft Points that they were offering with the package.

I titled this post "A Tale of Two Preorders" because I recently preordered Mass Effect from the online front of a gaming retailer, Gamestop in this case. Once again I was lured in by exclusives (which are hopefully cooler than, say, a tongue-in-cheek router tutorial). This time, though, I didn't care so much about getting it at a specific time, because I wasn't itching to play it online with friends (and strangers) at the stroke of midnight. But I wanted the bonus stuff, so there you have it.

To Gamestop's credit, and as much as it pains me to say this, the game actually arrived at a decent time: today before noon. It was released yesterday. I still could have had a copy sooner had I just stopped off at a physical retailer, but a one day delay isn't horrible, especially compared to Best Buy's piss-poor delivery schedule. And this was without paying for special shipping. Colloquially, I've heard Amazon is pretty good at getting you games, etc., on the actual day of release, but I can't personally confirm.

So, in these days of Internet commerce and global shipping, why can't we get our games delivered to us early when we preorder, or even the day of release? Are companies that concerned about breaking the "street date" that they don't want to risk shipping off a package a day or two early so that it arrives the day of "release"? The alternative, of course, is to interface with digital content delivery systems like Valve's Steam, which is certainly a viable option, though their selection is limited and is only appropriate for PC users.

Game Companies: You have my money. I want to play your game as soon as it comes out.
Game Retailers: Make it happen.

Will The Assault On The English Language Never Cease?

2007-11-14T13:39:00.000-05:00

If you had been with me when I saw this sign, you would have been able to actually hear my eyes rolling.

Unless the owner is Mr. Taco, I don't see how this apostrophe makes sense. *sigh*

As an aside, it was "Taco Night" at a non-mexican joint, and their tacos sucked.

If you want to see more atrocious examples, check out the photos flagged as "Apostrophe Abuse" on flickr.

"Guitar Queer-o"

2007-11-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

South Park both paid tribute to, and lampooned, the popular video game franchise Guitar Hero recently in an episode entitled "Guitar Queer-o".

The embedded video is my favorite moment from that episode, which some might consider a spoiler if you haven't seen the episode, but I don't think spoilers are really a concern when watching South Park.

Indeed.

Strange Weather Forecast

2007-11-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

Strange isn't it? Of course, I heard the forecast to be falling yesterday.

Wild Thing

2007-11-02T11:07:00.001-04:00

I sometimes forget that Charlie Sheen never actually played for the Cleveland Indians.

Happy Halloween 2007

2007-10-31T16:20:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween you ghoulish readers you. The girlfriend and I carved up a couple of pumpkins for the occasion.

A couple years ago I went with Strong Bad. This year I chose the ever popular, Trodgor (The Pumpkinator):

She went with The Prince from the Katamari games:

We turned the lights down low and basked in their pumpkiny goodness:

Elsewhere on the 'net...

If you like video game themed pumpkins, bs angel collected images of a few over at Hawty McBloggy in her post "I Spy Something Orange". Very cool.

The Homestar Runner guys released their yearly Halloween Toon, which is always amusing (for me half the fun is trying to figure out what each of the characters is dressed as). The Trogdor pumpkin came from a Halloween stencil set they made available on the site.

The guys at Bungie have added a Living Dead playlist to Halo 3 for 27 hours around Halloween for playing the gametype "Infection". Should be fun.

And CuteOverload mixes in the Halloween ridonk with pictures of cats in various costumes, a guinea pig as a dragon, dogs dressed as cheerleeders, cowgirls, and "being eaten by an crocadile", as well as a pumpkin carved with a chipmunk holding a flower.

WITFITS readers, did you carve any fun pumpkins this year, dress up your animals in strange ways, or celebrate the day in a remarkable manner?

"Legends of Rock"

2007-10-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

Is this becoming a videogame blog? Sure seems like that's all I've posted about lately. Oh well, it's what's been occupying the majority of my time.

I picked up Guiter Hero III: Legends of Rock for the 360 the other day. I haven't gotten too much time to play it, what with making 3D screenshots in Halo 3 all the time, but here are my initial impressions (as well as those of some of my fellow Guitar Heroes).

The Good

The guitar controller is improved over the GH2 Explorer model. The fret buttons are a bit softer (less "buttony" I guess) and the raised ridge on the center yellow button is easier to feel. The Xbox Guide button and directional pad have been moved closer to the neck making it unlikely to hit them accidentally. The slightly longer whammy bar feels good, and the strum bar, though still very "clacky" sounding, has a better feel--I find I can hit multiple notes a bit faster (it "rebounds" faster?) Plus it's sexy black and wireless, to boot!
Load times have improved a bit.
They are finally leveraging the multiple buttons on the fret to navigate the set list menus, instead of having to endlessly scroll ("downloaded" and "bonus" songs are on different "tabs" for instance, accessed via the yellow and blue fret buttons).
The hammer-on/pull-off notes are easier to see.
There is now a note streak counter and popups telling you how many you've hit in a row (though some may consider these popups a bit annoying and you really don't have time to glance over at your counter whilst playing)
The Boss Battles (of which there are only 3) seem to be cooler than one might expect.
Casey Lynch is hotter in this one.

I haven't played too much of the single-player and as such a majority of my complaint deal with how they handled the co-op play. Co-op is what made me run out and buy Guitar Hero 2 within minutes of seeing it. I was disappointed that they took a few steps backward...

The Bad

The leaderboards are still clumsy and awkward, and may be more poorly implemented than in the previous game.
The one flaw of the guitar is that, instead of using the rechargeable battery packs like every other wireless controller for the 360 (which, I admit, is limited to the gamepad controller and the racing wheel), it only takes regular batteries. I personally think the rechargeable battery packs are great and I don't understand why they wouldn't have made use of them.
The animated scenes between the sets are cool to watch at first, but it would be nice to be able to skip them when playing on a different difficulty, or for them to be different if between, say, easy and expert.
There seems to be a larger emphasis on "battling" in this title than on jamming. I'm much more interested in cooperative guitar play than head-to-head competitive play.
Local co-op career is laid out in a slightly confusing way... I'm still not sure how it is keeping track of scores, but it looks like it is based on the lowest level of the two people playing sets the career level (though, if so, why wouldn't you both just play at the same level, other than the obvious boredom factor from having to play at a lower level than your skill). The implementation could have been much clearer.
They've done away with the breakdown of stats for each player in co-op which, I think, is a huge design mistake and I'm incredibly disappointed. Part of the fun in playing co-op, at least for me, was being able to see how we both fared on different sections of the song. It helped you get a feel for where you needed to go back and practice and gave you a better sense of how you performed. You don't even get an indication of how many notes either person missed, just one average percentage score. So they basically took an existing feature of GH2 that worked really well and dropped it for no reason. A really crummy decision, I think. Here's hoping they wise up and release it in a patch.
They online co-op setup should have been handled differently. Currently you set up a session and have to set a number of songs that will be played (1, 3, 5 etc., always an odd number from a list), a set difficulty level, and a set assignment of who is lead and who is rhythm/bass. Once this set is done you have to completely set up the online co-op game again to continue playing more songs or change any options. This is cumbersome and quite frankly ridiculous. The co-op should have looked exactly the same as it did/does in the single player. You should be able to choose any song to play at any difficulty and any guitar/bass combination. You shouldn't have to be locked into your choices ahead of time. What if I want to spend the next two hours with my buddy playing co-op and jumping from song to song, trading off who plays lead and who plays backup? What if I want to play expert on some and hard on others? Why can't we just pick these options as we go? Another really strange decision by the development team that makes me think they threw co-op in at the last minute and didn't really think about how it is played or how it should work.
Also, when setting up a private co-op game, there is no hotkey button for inviting a friend (usually the yellow Y button on the controller). Instead you have to hit the guide button and navigate.
Also, also... there doesn't appear to be a way to play a co-op career online. Why? Because we would have wanted to do that, I guess...
When playing online co-op they also should have done something about the volume balance between the players. When you are playing bass, you are sometimes drowned out by the sound of the lead guitar, making it difficult to hear the part you play. This problem is somewhat understandable when you're playing in the same room, but when you're playing over live, there's no reason that the person playing the bass shouldn't hear his part louder than the lead line. You can go into your audio options and tweak a couple of settings to try to account for this but you shouldn't have to--it would have been trivial to implement and its amazing they overlooked it.
Some of the Achievements are pretty lame. Achievements should be, well, about achieving something. But ideally those achievements should be fun and not chores. "Button Masher" and "Buy A Guitar Already" for instance, are really dumb: the first requires you to win 15 consecutive online matches using the gamepad controller instead of the guitar, and the second requires you to finish the hard or expert career using the gamepad controller. The question is: Why would I ever want to? Isn't that why it comes with a guitar?
The GuitarHero website, which was supposed to allow you to link to your game to view scores and compare with your friends, etc., still isn't working right after a couple of days of the game being out. How hard is it for these companies to get their act together--they could have predicted the number of people who would buy the game and want to go to the site. All they had to do is consult with a network expert, load test their software, and put in the requisite number of servers.
Finally, Judy Nails, my favorite avatar from GH2, is no longer cute and sassy. She's now more punk and, well, kinda "chunky". She looks like a linebacker in drag. Why, Neversoft, WHY?

Oh well, it's still fun, but they could have done better.

How To: Make Stereo 3D Halo 3 Screenshots

2007-10-23T23:58:00.000-04:00

I could bore you with an entire discussion on stereophotography and the ins and outs of stereoscopic vision, but instead I'll cut to the chase so you can see how to make 3D screenshots from Halo, with a few explanations along the way. If you're really interested in learning more about some of the techniques I touch upon here just Google topics such as "stereo photography" or "stereographic 3D" for more information.

If you want some samples of my work so far, check out my previous post, Halo 3-D Screenshots, or see my full sets on flickr, available in Red/Cyan Anaglyph for those with 3D glasses, and Crosseye for those without.

In this tutorial we will basically be using the Halo 3 theater to save two screenshots (a left-eye view and a right-eye view) which we will then download and make into a more convenient red/cyan stereo image (I will also show how to make one for crossed-eye viewing if you don't have 3D glasses, though you could always try Googling "free 3D glasses"). The only piece of software needed for this project (other than Halo 3 on the Xbox 360, obviously) is the excellent StereoPhoto Maker. It is a free tool for Windows-based PC's that will assist us in making and tweaking our final 3D image. You can follow the previous link to the homepage or download version 3.10a directly here.

Getting Started

Start up Halo 3 and resist the temptation to play a match online. On the main menu choose Theater.
In the Theater Lobby, choose Film: and from the Select Film page choose the film you will want to take a screenshot from.
Back in the Theater Lobby, choose Start Film when it is ready.
Once the film has started find something you are interested in making a 3D screenshot of. It is assumed you know most of the ins and outs of the Theater, but when in doubt consult the manual, or the Bungie How To: Saved Films page, or hit Start to see the control layout.

Taking The Shot

When setting up your shot for 3D you should take into consideration a few things that you wouldn't necessarily be concerned about otherwise. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- You will have to be in the third person detached view in order to make the appropriate camera movements for the shot (so, no first-person 3D views). To do this you'll need to hit the Y Button to Change Camera Type until the camera is no longer locked on to a player and can fly about the world. If you move the camera and it's rotating around the player you're not in the right mode.
- The directions given here assume you are not in the "zoomed in" mode available by clicking the Right Stick. This mode changes the field of view and could be used for making stereo shots, but these directions were not written with that view in mind (but feel free to experiment--I suspect you will find you don't need to move the camera as much).
- Assuming you are focusing on something that isn't right against the camera, be mindful of objects (terrain, foliage, parts of buildings, explosions, shell-casings, etc.) that are very close to the camera. They may look cool in a regular screenshot, but if you are taking a stereo screenshot and they are not the focus, they may be too close and cause eye strain. That is not to say you can't have anything close to the camera, but remember that they'll be right in your face when you put together the final 3D version.
- Note that many explosions and other weapon effects in the game aren't actually geometry but rather flat polygons with textures applied. When viewing in 3D they may seem a little odd or "flat". In my experience this hasn't really detracted from any of the 3D screenshots I've made, and I encourage you to take shots that include explosions (because, hey, they look really cool) just keep this mind if you notice them looking funny.
Once you've chosen a subject you're ready to actually take the screenshots. At this point it is helpful to reduce the sensitivity of the camera to make the process easier. Hit the Start button to bring up the Film menu, then push right on the Left Stick to move over to the Settings Tab. There choose Game Controls, Flying Camera, Speed and set it to Slow. Back out of the menus to get back to the game/theater.
Frame your subject(s) for the first shot, keeping in mind which way you're going to have to move the camera for the second shot (so that it too is framed correctly). Let's arbitrarily say that you are going to take a shot where your subject is closer to the right side of the screen first. Line it up and hit the X Button to bring up the film controls, then with the Directional Pad (NOT the left stick) move over and choose the Camera Icon ("Take Screenshot"). After it scans the screen choose Save as... and give it a name. I suggest labeling it with the subject and the letter "L" for "Left Eye".
Now we make the big decision that makes or breaks this 3D screenshot: how far to move the camera for the second shot. We will be moving the camera to the RIGHTonce the Theater is done saving/uploading your first shot. You will be pushing only right on the Left Stick and not touching the Right Stick at all. Try not to move forward or backward or point the camera elsewhere. You don't want to swivel the camera, you just want to pan slightly, constricting your motion to only left/right. The amount you move determines the "eye separation" and to an extent the "Wow, 3D!" factor of the resulting shot. In the real world, you would move the camera the average distance between your eyes to get a "realistic" stereoscopic picture, but it's nearly impossible to determine how that would translate into in-game units, and we have no way of judging how many of those units we are moving our camera. Instead, with a little experimenting and some number crunching, I came up with an amount of movement that delivers pretty good stereo results. You'll want to move the camera such that the closest object of interest in the scene--perhaps a rocket coming from a launcher, or the tip of a sniper rifle, or just a Spartan himself--moves no more than about 2.95% of the width of your television/monitor (in this case by pushing LEFT on the Left Stick. So, if you've got a big honkin' 60" widescreen TV which is around 52.3" in width, you are going to move the camera such that the closest object of interest moves about 1.54" across the screen (52.3 * 0.0295). If you're playing on a 16" wide monitor, that would be more like 0.47 inches. These are numbers that work well for me but by all means experiment and see what separation distances provide the most pleasing results for you.
Save this screenshot by hitting the X Button to bring up the film controls (if you closed them), then with the Directional Pad move over and choose the Camera Icon ("Take Screenshot"). After it scans the screen choose Save as... and give it a name. I suggest labeling it with the subject and the letter "R" for "Right Eye"

Uploading the Screenshots

Every screenshot you take is automatically uploaded to Bungie. However, sometimes they don't successfully transfer, do to network or server issues at one end or the other. Also, sometimes it takes awhile for the screenshots to appear on Bungie.net. If you are in a hurry, I recommend adding your newly taken stereo shots to your File Share.
From most menus, hit the Start Button to bring up the Media menu and choose File Share. Select an open slot (or remove some shares to free one up) and choose Screenshot then pick the appropriate shot to upload. Don't forget to share both your left and right pictures.

Retrieving Your Screenshots

On your PC, browse to www.Bungie.net. Click Sign In in the upper right corner to sign in with your Windows Live ID. Once you're signed in, click on Halo 3 in the upper right corner. (If you don't know your Live ID or don't feel like bothering, you can choose Find a Player from the My Stats dropdown and search on your Gamertag to find your Halo 3 stats page).
Click on Hi-Res Screenshots and check to see if the pictures you snapped are there. If so, click on the thumbnail of the screenshots and, in the new window that opens, click on the image to download it. Save it someplace meaningful and preferably with a name that makes sense (i.e. whatever you named it when you took the shot in the first place). Don't forget to download them both.
If you don't see them there and were forward thinking enough to save them in your file share, click on Return to Service Record Main and there click on File Share. Find your screenshots, click on the thumbnail, and in the new window that opens click on the image to download, naming it appropriately. Don't forget to download both your left and right image.

Making It 3D

The final step in the process is to create a 3D image. If you haven't already, download the free StereoPhoto Maker tool (web site | 3.10a direct download) to your PC and unzip it someplace useful. Mac/Linux folks, you might want to check out the Engadget story on how to make 3D photos or Google how to do it with Photoshop or The Gimp.
Start up StereoPhoto Maker (there's no installer, just run the app that came in the zip). Choose File->Open Left/Right Images and browse for your left-eye picture. Assuming you consistently named them (i.e. one ending in "L" and one ending in "R") StereoPhoto Maker will find the other file automatically and ask if you want to load it (hit Ok). Otherwise, browse for the other file.
You will see your images side by side. To view it as a Red/Cyan stereo image, go to Stereo->ColorAnaglyph->color (red/cyan). Put on your glasses and admire your handiwork. You might want to compare and contrast this with a half-color anaglyph by choosing Stereo->ColorAnaglyph->half-color (red/cyan). You may find that through the glasses one looks better than the other (perhaps its the tint of the armor or the colors in the scene or reflections on a nearby surface that make the difference). If it doesn't look 3D or looks off somehow, you might have the left and right images reversed. Choose View->Swap Left/Right (or just hit the X hotkey) to swap the left and right images and see if that looks better.
If the eye separation--the is, the distance you originally moved the camera--is too great you may have a hard time resolving the image or it may strain your eyes. You can fix this a bit by moving the images closer together simply using the arrow keys. More than likely you will be using the right arrow key to move them closer together (the x number after Position Alignment at the bottom of the screen will go up and the red and blue images on the screen will get closer together). Doing this doesn't really change the 3-dimensionality of the picture (you set that when you took the snapshots) but putting them closer together may help eliminate eye strain (at least for the main subjects or close up object--objects in the background may become harder to resolve). The true effect of moving the screenshots closer together/further apart after you've taken them is to change where the 3D objects appear with respect to the "window" on the scene (either in front of, or behind) which is a topic beyond this discussion.
When you're satisfied with your Red/Cyan Anaglyph, you can save it by going to File->Save Stereo Image. It's important to note that compression artifacts are a huge detriment to the stereo effect and as such you will want to save in a loseless format. BMP and particularly PNG are good choices ("Full colors"). You can also save it as a JPG, just be certain you set the Image Quality to 99 and tick the No Compression Ghosting option to avoid compression artifacts inherent in saving it as a jpeg. (Additional note: If you plan on putting these up on flickr, be advised to save them as PNGs or JPGs. I found that if you save as a BMP and upload to flickr, they convert the file to a jpeg and it introduces a fair number of compression artifacts.)
If you don't have 3D glasses you can easily create a 3D image for cross-eyed viewing. If you're in one of the Red/Cyan modes you can choose Stereo->Side-by-side->Side-by-side to get back to the side-by-side view. Now, you'll want to swap the left and right views (assuming they were correct to begin with). Do this by choosing View->Swap Left/Right or by hitting the X hotkey once. Now the left image is on the right and the right image is on the left. Since the original images are pretty large (1920x1080, which is 3840 pixels wide side-by-side) you'll likely want to resize it to something more easily viewable before saving. This is a matter of preference, but 500 pixels per image works pretty well for me. Choose Edit->Resize and enter 500 for X (make sure Keep Aspect-ratio is ticked as well as Resample). Hit Ok and the image is resized. Finally you can save this out just like the Red/Cyan was saved by choosing File->Save Stereo Image and choosing an appropriate format (as mentioned above, something losless like BMP, PNG, or JPG at 99 image quality).
You can even make a "Wiggle Stereo" version (an animated GIF that goes back and forth between images) by choosing File->Make Animation GIF in StereoPhoto Maker.

Congratulations, you can now show the world how you teabagged some poor noob... in glorious 3D!

Halo 3-D Screenshots

2007-10-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

The other day I was playing around in the theater in Halo 3 when brilliance struck me, like a plasma grenade to the helmet. I was panning the camera back and forth looking for a good angle on my subject when it occurred to me: with full control over the camera, I can take multiple pictures from slightly different angles. This is the foundation of stereo photography. Since the screenshots aren't locked to the Xbox (I can download them to my PC via the Bungie website), I can process them into 3D screenshots!

The awesomeness of that idea almost overwhelmed me.

Fortunately for me, I've done some work in stereoscopic 3D rendering, so I'm familiar with the concepts and what's involved. It took some trial and error and some number crunching to work out some of the kinks, but I think I've got a pretty good feel for it now. So, without further ado, I present to you: Halo 3(d)!

Red/Cyan Stereo
[click on image for link to larger views]

You'll, of course, need a pair of 3D glasses to see this, particularly red/cyan (red/blue will work, but not quite as well). It also helps to view it as big as possible. I've taken a dozen or so other shots in 3D which you can check out in my Halo 3 Stereo 3D Screenshots (Red/Cyan) set on flickr.

But maybe you don't have a pair of 3D glasses handy (misplaced your Spy Kids 3-D DVD, did you? You could always try Googling "free 3D glasses"...) For those without the color spectacles, try one of the two methods below, either parallel-view or cross-eyed view. Mileage may vary.

Cross-Eyed Viewing

Cross your eyes so that the two images become four, then vary your cross-eyedness until the middle two images overlap to form a single (3D) picture. Now try to focus without uncrossing your eyes. Some find it helps to hold a finger between your eyes and the picture, focusing on that (to cross your eyes) until the image in the background seems to converge and be in 3D.

You can view more of these in my Halo 3 Stereo 3D Screenshots (Crosseye) set.

Parallel Viewing

Look straight ahead, lining your nose up with the line between the two images. Let your eyes relax and look "through" the image, as if looking at some distant point beyond the monitor.

Finally, for the truly lazy among us, here's an animation showing of wiggle-stereo, which basically flips back and forth between the left and right eye images. Not the greatest stereo effect, but it gives you a basic idea:

"Wiggle" Stereo

Wanna know how to do it? I've posted a tutorial... How To: Make Stereo 3D Halo 3 Screenshots.

Life Is The Biggest Obstacle to Getting Stuff Done

2007-10-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm Kato. Remember me? I blog here. Or at least I do sometimes. I think.

Lately I've found that the biggest hurdle preventing me from doing this is... well, doing other things.

To be honest, the biggest chunk of my time has gone to developing a steady relationship with another human being (i.e. biological, non-silicon based entity). But I've also been claimed by friends and family, video games (Halo, *ahem*) and, the gods willing, baseball playoffs for the next couple weeks.

These are all good problems to have. Invariably, though, other pursuits suffer.

This has always been a problem for me. I know it's cliche to say that there aren't enough hours in the day but it's true. I have tons of pet projects/hobbies that either sit half-finish or are un-started. I've been very good at balancing my time.

I feel like Jessie in that "very special episode" of Saved By The Bell. (Okay, not really, but c'mon that was a classic TV moment.)

Oh well, at least I'm a Lieutenant in Halo 3. That's gotta count for something. Right?

Three Legged Babes Show off Their Tools!

2007-10-11T13:49:00.000-04:00

The most recent Strong Bad E-mail pokes fun at webcomics. In it he claims that The Cheat makes unusual comics based on the weird subject lines from spam e-mails. I thought this was an amusing concept, not realizing that it's based on a real site called Spamusement. There are some pretty funny drawings in the 300+ comics so far. Check it out if you don't mind killing your whole afternoon with "I'll just read one more..."