WITFITS

Me, Every Day At Lunchtime

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 17:20:00 +0000

Me: I'm starving! Microwave, gimme some eats, now!

Microwave: Bwahaha! STEAMFACE!

Me: Yarrrgg, it fogs the glasses and scalds the face!

Every. Single. Day.

Oatmeal Flummoxes Me

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 18:55:00 +0000

Oatmeal. Breakfast staple. Favorite of bonnet wearers and users of the word thee. Drawer of comics.

And perpetually my bane.

I like oatmeal. I like The Oatmeal, too, but that's not what this is about, despite my two (2) references to him so far. It's tasty and filling--the breakfast food, not the cartoonist (3), though you could probably argue a case for the latter.

My problem with oatmeal--and we're talking instant, not big cylindrical can, here, I don't have that kind of time people--my problem with oatmeal focuses mainly on its preparation. Which, honestly, is really half of the whole oatmeal breakfast equation, the other half being eating it, which I sorta have a problem with too. Thrilling, I know. Read on.

I prefer my oatmeal with milk. Creamy, delicious, full of all the calcium a growing boy like myself needs ("Thanks, mom!" Cue me scoring a goal in soccer thanks to my balanced breakfast). Here's how a typical morning goes for me.

1. Wake up. Eventually. Stumble out of bed. Zombie shuffle into the kitchen for something to fuel my weary frame.

2. Rifle through packets of oatmeal until an acceptable flavor is found. This is about five minutes of me pulling out the exact same one I put back until I managed to grab the Brown Sugar one.

3. Tear open packet too close to contents within. Cloud of oats and oatmeal dust™ ensues.

4. Pour into bowl. Throw out packet. Realize I don't know how much liquid to add to oatmeal. Dig
through trash to find packet.

But Kato, you say (say it!), shouldn't you know by now how much milk you need? Well, no, person reading this blog or home invader, I don't. It changes. Sometime it's 1/2 a cup, sometimes it's 3/4 a cup. Once I think it even asked for a hogshead. Though at this point I shouldn't bother, as no matter how much I put in there, it's always the wrong amount (see step 5).

5. (As advertised in Step 4) Put oatmeal and milk concoction in microwave. Set time. Stare at it for awhile then get bored.

Me: I'll just go over here and have some coffee while the milk and oats combine to form Captain Oatmeal. Ooh, look, a bird!
Oatmeal: BLAARGHHHRAAAWR! *boils over*

6. Clean up molten oatmeal explosion. Curse life. Curse oatmeal. Curse John Williams for scoring Duel of the Fates which has been stuck in my head for, let's say, an eternity.

7. Sit down. Attempt to eat oatmeal out of bowl that looks like it had too much mexican for dinner.

8. Burn mouth on MOLTEN OATMEAL. Reach for coffee in panicked attempt to cool mouth. Burn mouth on MOLTEN COFFEE. Curse self. Curse coffee. Curse oatmeal.

9. Wait. Ponder the number of rap songs that have used the simile "hot like lava" (best estimate: 57). Attempt to eat oatmeal.

10. Burn mouth on MOLTEN OATMEAL.

11. Attempt to cool down oatmeal with tears. Wait. An eternity. Wonder what The Oatmeal (4) eats for breakfast, and imagine the irony if he hates oatmeal.

12. Build up courage to try oatmeal again. Attempt to psych self out. Try to lubricate mouth to take advantage of Leidenfrost effect.

13. Close eyes. Try oatmeal. No burning sensation. No real sensation whatsoever due to irrevocably singed taste buds and palette. Deem this acceptable and eat oatmeal.

14. Put bowl in sink full of water to soak (cause, seriously, why aren't we using that shit as an organic concrete alternative?)

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE (I blame Spock)

5. Put oatmeal and milk concoction in microwave. Set time. Stare into its very soul.

Me: You're not boiling over on me you oaty bastard. I'm watching you!
Oatmeal: I cower before your powerful gaze!

6. Oatmeal comes out looking like soup. Wait 5 minutes for some magic evaporative process to take place. One doesn't.

7. Eat cold oatmeal soup. Curse oatmeal. (But retain sense of taste).

The next day it happens all over again.

Maybe I should stick with cereal.

To Answer Your Question...

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 23:38:00 +0000

I'm really not sure.

Bump

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 18:29:00 +0000

It works on forum posts, thought it might work here. No?

The Snow Makes Me Wonder (A Poem)

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:48:00 +0000

Drifting. Falling.
Gently cascading.
Little white flakes;
big white flakes.
They dance like wild children,
unhindered by self-consciousness.

It gathers in crooks of trees,
blankets the ground in white,
and makes me ponder,
makes me wonder:

Was it wrong to put that carrot
on the snowman
where his penis would be?

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 04:59:00 +0000

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. How long have you been watching? An hour? A day? A fortnight?

It doesn't matter. Now that I've seen you, I can begin. Which is to say I can end. Well, not me exactly. The year, really. The decade, even.

The year two thousand and nine (written out of those who hate numerals) has come and is about to go. I can hardly believe it. Can you? Well, of course you can. You are an intelligent person who understands that time passes linearly and that with each day we come closer to the end of a year. That is just how the world works. What I mean is that, it is hard to comprehend that all these days have gone by so quickly. And, yes, I know, the days still pass at the same speed. I am merely describing the sensation. You are very picky today, aren't you?

This year, as many, was full of highs and lows, at least for me. Oh the things I've seen and done. I wish that along the way I was given the ability to share those things with you, for good or for ill, so that we might have experienced them together, and maybe learned a thing or two.

Oh, well, I suppose that is what this edifice is for. Point taken.

Truth be told, I missed you all. You, you, and especially you, and not so much you, and you (and your sister), and to an extent you as well. I miss our little chats. Sometimes I think about writing to you again, just to say hi, but then the words don't come, and the time grows short, and I'm afraid of disappointing you again when the days and the months go by. And often I think of all the things that need to be fixed here--all the things I need to change, and update, and correct, and make better--and my heart grows heavy and my patience grows thin and the feeling of being overwhelmed washes over me. And so I don't.

But I do miss you.

And some of you still came by, just to say hi. And the occasional new visitor stumbled their way upon this almost forgotten archive of fits of wit, and left a little scrawl to show they were here. I saw them all. Thank you for your comments.

Still, my words did at least have some outlet in 2009, if mostly not here. I have traded long-winded exposition for short bursts of observation, opting to slake my creative thirst in 140 characters or less. Even my sometimes nemesis got into the act, though he's been very quiet of late (plotting another evil scheme no doubt).

And then of course there was the very generous offer to host my "humorous" video-game related musings at the ever salacious HawtyMcBloggy.com. For fifteen weeks I did my best to satire the gaming industry... with mixed success (but overwhelmingly positive feedback). At this point, I'm uncertain if it will continue into 2010, but there's a good chance that something from me will grace her pages in the future, couched between Spartan pr0n and crocheted katamari.

I suppose I could wax on here for quite some time, reminiscing about 2009 (remember that great video on YouTube? That was awesome!) and I really want to, but it's time for me to go. And not just because it's almost midnight and this bottle of champagne isn't going to drink itself (even though that would be a neat invention).

So, to the people who I've come to know through this blog (and the people I haven't), and all those great people on the Internet who have enriched my life through their creative endeavors, and really to everyone out there, I wish you a Happy New Year. I hope 2010 brings you happiness, prosperity, and tacos.

Because tacos rule.

Warmest regards,
Kato

Oh, Hey, An Interview!

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:51:00 +0000

For reasons still unclear, blogger Evan 08 asked to interview me. Perhaps he suffered a head injury or maybe it was just a slow news days.

I kid, I kid. I'm self-deprecating, see? Intrigued? Well, then, check out his interview with yours truly over at Witless Protection Program to find out more about the man behind the blog, behind the mask. (Or is that man behind the mask behind the blog. Blog behind the man behind the mask. Something behind the something behind the something. Masked man's behind, blogging... Hippo.)

I'm honored. Thanks for the softballs.

iPhone 3GS Quick Review And Notes

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 18:28:00 +0000

An early adopter of the first generation iPhone, I eagerly anticipated Apple's announcement earlier this summer of their latest and greatest entry into the smart phone market. I passed on the 3G from last year, for a variety of monetary and practical reasons, figuring I might grab the next iteration. In spite of the Reality Distortion Field, I found Apple's announcement of the iPhone 3GS features and capabilities compelling. A couple of people have asked me how I liked the new version, so I thought I'd jot some of my thoughts down here.

Since I'm upgrading from the 1st gen to the 3GS, it should be pointed out that some of these are improvements that came with the second generation (or are available on the first generation with the latest firmware).

FORM FACTOR
Apple has a reputation for designing sleek devices, though I've always thought their obsession with white made their products look practically antiseptic. The 3GS is identical to the 3G in form factor (as far as I know) and really does feel good in my hand. The curve of the back and the plastic make it very "holdable". But, that same curve makes the phone wobble a bit if you try to interact with it while it's resting on a flat surface like a table top or desk (though probably not obnoxiously so). The curved plastic also makes it a bit more slippery; pro-tip: don't rest it in your lap unless you want it crashing to the floor seconds later.

SPEAKERS
The speaker volume is much improved from the first gen, making it more practical to use speaker phone, show a video or song to a friend, enjoy gaming, or any other time when you don't want to wear headphones or have the thing pressed to your ear. The speaker(s) are now covered with a fine wire mesh instead of simply holes in the case, which should help keep dirt and pocket lint out (as well as probably aiding in volume). The one oddity is that covering the speaker in any way (say with your hand while gaming) seriously reduces the ability for it to generate sound (practically muting it). This is difficult to avoid when holding in landscape mode, carrying it in your pocket or purse, etc., and is confounded by the fact that sound only comes from one speaker.

OLEOPHOBIC COATING
A feature that seemingly snuck into the latest hardware without much fanfare is the new oleophobic ["fingerprint resistant"] coating. It actually works better than I would have expected. Although the screen still picks up smudges and fingerprints, it's not nearly as bad as the previous generations which seemingly required a wipe down after every use. For awhile there I thought I really was a greasy stereotype. I find myself having to polish the screen much less frequently, no longer having to stare through old button presses and finger swipes. For an interesting explanation of the technology, see Bill Nye's explanation at Gizmodo.

GPS
The first generation, which didn't have any GPS hardware, faked it by using information from nearby cell towers and a wireless network if connected. A clever scheme, it worked well enough to be useful if you only needed to know your approximate location. Having real GPS hardware, introduced in the 3G, is really where it's at. Being able to almost instantly have your location pinpointed is undeniably cool (at least for someone like me who doesn't own an in-car nav system or the like). Watching the pulsing blue dot is almost hypnotizing. Plus, since the hardware is available for all applications to use, it can be leverage to do some fun/interesting stuff. As an example: I recently used it to track a nature hike I went on.

COPY PASTE
One of the most requested features finally makes it to the iPhone as of the 3.0 firmware update. It works pretty well, though the copy pop-up can be somewhat intrusive when all you're trying to do is edit text you've entered. It has some oddities though. For instance, you can't select just part of a text message, you only have the option of copying it all. Strange design decision.

UNDO WEIRDNESS
There is an undo function, apparently. I know this because practically every time I pull the phone out of my pocket, it has a message on the screen that says "Nothing to undo". I guess I must be "Butt Undoing".

FORWARD TEXT MESSAGES
Not sure when this was added (3.0?) but it's a nice feature to have (finally). Though it's under the "edit" button which seems non-obvious.

GLOBAL SEARCH
It's about time! Introduced with the 3.0 update, you can now swipe right from the first desktop or click the "home" button to access Spotlight for searching the whole phone. It works pretty fast, and searches while you type, bringing up music, applications, safari bookmarks, email addresses, etc., that match your terms. You can also access the search functionality within the e-mail client, but annoyingly, it only searches e-mail addresses and subject lines. To me, this is practically useless, as the information I need 99% of the time is in the body of an e-mail, not the subject line.

VOICE RECOGNITION
A cool feature that is a long time coming, I think only available on the 3GS. Holding the home button for a few second brings up the voice menu from which you can make a limited number of requests, focused mainly on controlling the phone or the iPod. It's a mixed bag of impressive and fail, varying greatly with what you are requesting and the noise of your environment. For instance, the first time trying it, I asked it to dial a friend of mine, and it got the name right on the first try. It even prompts you to say what phone number (i.e. "mobile", "home", "work") you want to dial if they have multiple entries. Using the iPod is a bit trickier. Often times it would misinterpret what I was asking, and this is due in part to the small vocabulary of the commands. If you don't know the exact command to do something, it will give you strange results. For instance, if you want to hear some Pearl Jam, you have to say "Play Artist Pearl Jam" and not "Play Pearl Jam". There does not seem to be a way to play a specific song, which if an unfortunate omission. In noisy environments, it has worked very poorly for me. Walking outside wearing the supplied headphones on a somewhat windy day, it interpreted mic noise as various different commands, none of which where what I was attempting. Apparently it doesn't work over Bluetooth currently (another odd omission) but will supposedly after the next minor software update. Also, the voice menu closes after every command, which can be annoying if you want to do multiple things (such as ask the artist of the current song, then ask to play something else).

COMPASS
It's a compass. By itself that's nothing to write home about, but it will be very useful in mapping applications and could prove interesting for other applications. I'm waiting for the star gazing apps to use it to really nail down the ability to hold your phone between you and a constellation and identify it.

LANDSCAPE MODE FOR MORE APPS
Landscape keyboard works in email and text messages as of the 3.0 update, which has it advantages, and should have been in place from the beginning. Still, I don't know why they don't have a landscape mode for the desktop. It wouldn't have to be complicated, even just rotating the icons in place would be sufficient.

3G AND NETWORK SPEED
It's hard to say if the 3G antenna, which debuted in the second gen iPhone, is offering much of an improvement. It should be faster than the Edge network, but coverage is spotty. Browsing feels faster, but I think a lot of that has to do with updates to Safari and the faster processor. I also think that this phone seems a little less tolerant to poor signals. On my first gen iPhone, it seemed like I could get away with sending a text message more often when I barely had a signal. Now, I'm constantly attempting to resend when I'm in a dead zone (which seems to be most of the buildings I'm inside). It feels very "all or nothing" as far as connectivity goes.

TEXT MESSAGING
The text messaging interface is a little different now when a text can't send. Now it simply marks the text with an exclamation point when it fails. However, it would be nice if this was visible from the home screen (an exclamation point on the Messages icon, for instance, to let you know one or more failed to send).

CLOCK
I noticed a slight change to the Stopwatch which now has a lap timer. Don't know when that was included, but it's nice, if you like that sort of thing.

VOICE MEMOS
A cool app added in the 3.0 update, it allows you to record and send voice memos. Minimal interface, but it does what it advertises, without a lot of bells and whistles.

CAMERA
The new camera is a nice improvement over the first generation. 3 megapixel autofocus, with a nifty "touch to focus" interface (touch the object on the screen you want to focus on and it does--makes sense). Welcomed, also, is the ability to do macro photography as it was difficult before to take photos of anything relatively close to the camera. This comes in very handy on the iPhone, as I find I'm often photographic product labels or other objects with text, which before came out as a blurry mess.
Video recording is a new feature, one that I can't believe Apple, of all companies, left out in the first two generations. The picture looks good, the frame rate is nice, and the UI is simple and useable. You can do simple cropping of the beginning and ending with a simple scrubber, and you can even upload to YouTube.

STORAGE SPACE
I don't have a huge music collection, but even I was constrained by the 8GB of my original phone. The 32GB of the 3GS feels vast... at least until I start filling it with videos of my cat.

BATTERY LIFE
Although they always tout improved battery life, I'm not seeing one. In fact, my battery seems to run down faster than my first gen. But I can't make any specific claims as I have done any empirical testing. I have found that gaming eats up the battery quite quickly. Peggle is forcing me to charge my phone more than once a day. I'm not the first to complain, however, and some think that perhaps the 3.0 software has some poor battery management.

HEAT
The phone also experiences some heat issues from time to time, mainly when gaming for long stretches, getting noticeably hot to the touch. Again, I do not appear to be alone in noting this.

HEADPHONE JACK
As of the 3G, this is no longer recessed, so any standard headphone will work. It was one of the more ridiculous issues with the first generation.

SPEED
This is the overall best feature of the new iPhone. My first generation always felt a little sluggish, and I'm happy that this doesn't seem to be the case with the 3GS. Everything is improved by the faster chipset and it's surprising how smoothly the device runs now. Text entry is improved: no more lag. Web surfing is better: pages don't seem to stutter on scrolls (though this may be also improvements to Safari). Apps load and play noticeably faster (particularly games). This is the chipset that should have been including in the first generation, the one that delivers the smooth and quick interface people expect from all the Apple hype.

Overall, I'm extremely happy with the iPhone 3GS, coming from the first generation. It has its quirks, and some odd design decisions in places, but every software revision seems to improve it just a little more. If you have a 3G already it may not be enough of an improvement to warrant the price, but first gen owners who are available for the subsidized price should seriously consider the upgrade for the speed and other niceties included in the 3G and 3GS.

Why Does This Exist?

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 04:25:00 +0000

Seriously, why?

I didn't know hermit crabs were a thing in desperate need of blinging.

Your Source For Fake Video Gaming News

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:19:00 +0000

This week I'm proud to announce the start of my very own guest column over at the fabulous bs angel's video gaming blog extravaganza Hawty McBloggy. The Katonian Press is reporting on gaming and game industry news to the best of its ability: by making it all up. Please check out a weekly dose of faux gaming news in The Katonian Press at HawtyMcBloggy.com.

With My Freeze Ray I Will ... Rock the World

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Fri, 22 May 2009 18:09:00 +0000

Rock Band is certainly a fun way to enjoy your favorite songs and pretend you're "melting hot licks" (or whatever the kids are calling it these days). It also has a decent character (rockvatar?) generator that let's you appropriately create a digital representation of your on-stage awesomeness.

What's more, it let's people create all sorts of great interpretations of famous real and fictional individuals. And then put them in a band. Like the cast of Star Trek The Next Generation, or Sarah Palin, or the survivors from Left 4 Dead.

I too have experimented with creating Rock Band facsimiles of famous characters. Tired of stand-ins filling out my band, I decided to create two much more interesting compatriots to rock out with. Mind you this was many months ago and I didn't spend a lot of time on it, but it's the Internet, so I'm compelled to share.

First up is everyone's favorite musical villain, Dr. Horrible. Behold him in all of his angsty glory!

My apologies to Joss Whedon and Neil Patrick Harris.

Since I have a penchant for villains (and super-villains), I couldn't pass up the opportunity to pay tribute to The Dark Knight. Filling out the rest of my band is everyone's favorite Clown Prince (of Rock), The Joker:

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this is how I roll:

At least I think that's me. It could be Yahtzee Croshaw.

Twitter Downtime Limericks

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Wed, 13 May 2009 19:55:00 +0000

Twitter, the masturbatory social time sink that has ensnared even the all powerful Oprah and her legion, is currently down for scheduled maintenance.

Unable to post there, and burdened with an abundance of useless (read: tweet-worthy) information, I struggled to get through the outage. I e-mailed my favorite game blogger, Miss bs angel of Hawty McBloggy, and made a desperate request for just a small taste of information. "I need my fix", I pleaded.

Here's how she replied:

There's this thing I love doing called Twitting.
When it goes down though I feel like spitting.
What am I to do,
I haven't a clue.
Whomever will I tell that I'm shitting?

Out of the park. But not to be outdone, I had to reply with a limerick of my own:

I hate to sound nasty and bitter,
but my life has gone straight down the shitter,
I've got plenty to say,
bout my boring old day,
And alas, I can't post it to Twitter!

One way to pass the time, I suppose. Feel free to post your own variants in the comments.

Dear Escapist: Feeling Inadequate Much?

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:06:00 +0000

Okay, I get it, The Escapist was nominated for a Webby. That's great, but do you really need to bombard me with banners begging me to vote for you? It's annoying and, honestly, a little creepy. Do you have some issues to work out? Were you unpopular in High School? Did your college girlfriend call you "a little small" the first time you guys did it?

Seriously, maybe tone down the requests. It's a little needy.

[Click for larger view]

Not shown: a preroll vote request, and a pop-up vote request during the video. "We've been nominated for a Webby" final ad tally: 8.

10 Signs You Might Have Swine Flu

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:03:00 +0000

Another year, another potentially blown-out-of-proportion epidemic. Let's jump on the bandwagon, shall we?

Ten Signs You Might Have Swine Flu
10. Mud puddles are nearly irresistible.
9. Your lips taste like bacon.
8. You find yourself oddly attracted to Kermit the Frog.
7. The term "Hamburger" annoys you for no apparent reason.
6. You have a tail...
5. ...And it's curly.
4. You're considering upgrading to a brick house in case of wolf attacks.
3. "Moons Over My Hammy" just isn't that funny to you anymore.
2. You wake up in bed with a pig and no memory of how you got there.
1. It oinks when you pee.

I'll be here all week, folks.

Wherein I Reveal Wil Wheaton's Secret Duty

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:20:00 +0000

The other night I had a dream.

I was in what I'd guess you call a large convention hall. It was furnished with numerous long tables with folding chairs, but the room was mostly empty. I found myself at a table with a handful of others (friends, acquiantances, strangers, I'm not really sure). We were playing a game.

It was D&D.

As we played, I took in my surroundings. With so few people around, it didn't take long for me to spot the gentleman sitting at a table nearby. It was the Geek, the Legend, the one-and-only... Wil Wheaton. If I was surprised to see him there, it didn't register. Perhaps this was a Con or the kind of place one expects to find geek culture icons mixing with the unwashed masses. I studied him for a moment. He was with someone, a suit perhaps. Wil seemed busy. Were they discussing a new book deal? Was he negotiating to play his own Grandfather in Star Trek? Was he finally getting around to suing Rob Reiner for the leeches in Stand By Me?

Who knows. That wasn't important. What's important was that it was WIL FUCKING WHEATON.

Our game wasn't going well. I can't summon the details at this moment, but I knew we needed some help. And WFW was sitting right there! He didn't seem to be having a great time either; a look of boredom and frustration crossed his face. But I knew a way to save us both.

I knew his secret.

I stood, grabbing a die from the tabletop and quickly hiding it in my closed fist. I walked down the row of tables, moving parallel to Mr. Wheaton and his cohort. I tried to walk casual--but not make it look like I was walking casual--as I strode down the aisle. Passing by Wil, I deftly placed a red D20 before him, the twenty facing up, and continued on my way, like a geek informent secretly passing a note to his handler.

He looked down at it.

It was an invitation. One I knew he couldn't ignore.

You see, in this made up dream world, I knew Wil Wheaton's secret: He must obey the call of the D20. If one is placed before him, twenty facing up, he is obligated to pick it up and join your game. He is not bound by some group or mystic force, or Wookiee Life Debt to Gary Gygax, just an unwritten Gamer's Code and Geek's Honor. It is a duty he performs willingly, and with great pleasure. It was my opportunity to game with a geek hero, and hopefully his chance to dodge whatever mundane facts-of-life task had brought him here.

Or, at least so I thought.

What came next was an anticlimax of epic proportions, though one I've come to expect in the kinds of dreams I have (Really, brain, you couldn't throw in some bikini girls and a can of Cool Whip? Is that too much to ask?) He looked down at the die, and then back at me as I walked away. I expected to return to my seat and see him getting up, explaining to the suit his geis, and brandishing a Player's Handbook seemingly from nowhere. But as I rounded the corner he levelled his gaze at me. I had a smug smile on my face that slowly faded to a look of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I can't," he explained. He looked annoyed. Not necessarily at me, just at the situation. "I'm really busy, I don't have time for this."

And that, well, was it. I returned to my table, dejected, and WFW went on with whatever he was doing that day. It was a fantasy bitch-slap. It was the dream equivalent of buying an ice cream cone only to have it plop on the ground the second you go to lick it. It was like dreaming that you were finally going to score with that girl you've been crushing on for years only to look down and find you no longer have a penis.

I'm not sure but as I woke up I swear I heard the "sad trombone" sound.

But it was a dream, so whatever.

Dreams can reveal some fascinating insights, though. I found these two points to be particularly intriguing:

1. Since dreaming is just a product of the imagination, the brain can make up any kind of crazy shit it wants. What's more, it doesn't have to rely on established facts or logic. For instance, in this dream, I just knew that if I laid a D20 before Wil (Fucking) Wheaton, he would be compelled to act. This isn't something he joked about in the real world or something I read in his blog or on Twitter, my brain just decided to establish it as a fact. I have had other dreams where in them I've "remembered" something that wasn't true or didn't ever happen. But since the logic part of your brain is mostly shut off when you sleep, my imagination was free to make up fake memories (or, even simpler, just the sensation of remembering). You can't say that's not fascinating. And maybe a little scary.

2. I love the idea of Whil Wheaton having a secret D&D compulsion. I think this is brilliant. It's the kind of thing you'd see in a Penny Arcade comic. I wish my brain was that creative when I'm awake (stupid brain, I'm going to stab you with a cuetip!) It's just such a beautiful idea: you present him with a D20 and he has to play. It's like a gaming version of Adrian Monk. If anyone reading this has a chance to test this at a convention, let me know. Just don't abuse it, he's got books to write and stuff.

I can only assume that this incident is the beggining of a pattern for me. Next time I'm sure I'll dream of Patrick Stewart refusing to perform Dickens with me on stage.

Or maybe LeVar Burton telling me that "reading is for pussies", and that I don't have to take his word for it.

Attention: Mother Nature

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:29:00 +0000

This is your old friend Kato, Mother Nature. I know we've had our differences, but this... whatever this is... has got to stop.

Quite frankly, this snow--this snow is bullshit.

It's April, all right? April. What part of that are you having difficulty understanding? The saying doesn't go "April showers bring snow flowers", and not because that doesn't really make much sense, but because it's APRIL. It doesn't snow in APRIL. I mean, it does, but it shouldn't.

Do you know what I heard a few weeks ago, Mother Nature? Spring Peepers. That's right, Spring Peepers. It's in their goddamn name. And yet I look outside and do I see adorable amphibians calling to their mates with sweet sounds of love? No. I see snow. SNOW.

And what are those frogs gonna do, huh Mother Nature? They're cold blooded. It's not like they can just slip on a cardigan and sip hot cocoa till you decide to get off your ass and bring us some sunshine. Have you ever tried to put a sweater on a frog? They're fucked. All because of you.

You sicken me.

Look, I know you're busy trying to drown Fargo, but no reason to get pissy with us too. We're the Heartland, the Bread Basket. Or maybe you don't like the Heartland, in which case, consider us an eastern state. A good one, not New Jersey. Maybe Virginia. Everyone likes Virginia. Except maybe pre-Civil War blacks. Whatever, I'm getting distracted from my point.

And my point is this: can we lose the snow? Seriously, it's Baseball Season. You can't go to the game and enjoy a hotdog when there's an icicle hanging from your wiener.

Snow in April is un-patriotic. It's un-American. Basically, what I'm saying is: if you keep snowing on us, you let the terrorists win.

But if you won't do it for me, or for America, then do it for the Peepers. Cause no one ever stops to ask them what they think.

Angrily yours,
Kato

Blog Banter: Valentine's Day is for Gamers

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:42:00 +0000

Welcome, welcome to Blog Banter, the monthly blogging extravaganza headed by bs angel! Blog Banter involves our cozy community of enthusiastic gaming bloggers, a common topic, and a week to post articles pertaining to said topic. The results are quite entertaining and can range from deeply insightful to ROFLMAO. Any questions about Blog Banter should be directed here. Check out other Blog Banter articles at the bottom of this post!

Ah, Valentine's Day. A day I have, in years past, derided as a bastion of insensitivity toward the lonely and relationship-disabled. I have since softened on my views, having been blessed to be lucky enough to find someone who can stand to be around me for more than a few minutes. It's something I'm still trying to grapple: my brain can't quite comprehend the madness that must be at work. Surely she must be suffering some fever that affects her perceptions and once it breaks she will be free from her stupor and run screaming at first chance. It's either that or the roofies I keep feeding her.

Being a rather low-maintenance couple, we had no fantastically romantic plans for Valentine's Day this year. Neither of us are opposed to a fancy dinner, but spending a weekend together at home in our cozy pajamas, lounging, is more our style. In fact, the only thing we really "planned" to do that weekend was maybe kick back, relax, and play some videogames. Together.

I'm lucky enough to have a gaming-enabled girlfriend. We actually spent part of our first or second date rocking out to Guitar Hero II. Fellas, if you are single, music games are a great date option. You can each play at your own difficulty, so it's fun for both, and you can show her what a patient guy you are by teaching her how to play (if she doesn't know already). As you get warmed up, you can really ham it up for her and bust out the stage antics of a true rock performer. You may look like a jackass, but hopefully she'll be laughing so hard she won't notice. If you really want to make things interesting, you can institute this house rule: Every time you two pass a song, you have to kiss. It's a great way to show her you're having fun, and hey, free kissing. You can thank me later when the game ends in a make-out session on the couch.

This year, Bungie, makers of the somewhat popular Halo series, made available a "Valentine's Day Massacre" playlist for the weekend for players who wanted to celebrate their love by blowing the ever-living-crap out of one another. Fittingly enough it was a two vs. two playlist. The girlfriend and I are no stranger to teaming up in Halo 3 and venturing out on Xbox Live together to wreak havoc as Team Awesome. Granted the kind of havoc we wreak usually involves accidentally blowing each other up and running around the map aimlessly looking for a weapon that we might possibly be able to get a kill with, but it's something to do. So, we jumped on the chance to have a little Valentine's fun. Nothing's more romantic than owning noobs, am I right?

In my naivety, I thought that we might have a decent chance to win this time. I mean, after all, it was the Valentine's Day playlist. Who would be playing other than devoted couples who wanted to take a break from the flower and candy and bring hot death to all comers. I thought we'd come across some charming couples that were as rusty as we are just looking to have some fun.

Apparently I've lost all ability to reason.

What I failed to comprehend was that the majority of people playing in this special holiday-themed brawl were not the adorable, fun-loving couples that I hoped them to be. No, the only kind of games these imaginary couples were playing were the kind that involved wine, chocolate body paint, and innocuous safe words. While they enjoyed their Valentine's bumping uglies, as it were, the girlfriend and I were pitted against all the lonely and socially inept masses that, out of some sense of perverse irony or perhaps self-loathing, joined together to make the world pay for their inability to establish meaningful relationships with another human being. Or at least make us pay.

Instead of some fun romp against a bunch of lovebirds, we found ourselves facing off against the usual crew of overly-competitive douche bags and the like that lurk in the depths of Xbox Live, dining on cheetos and fearing the sun, most completely unversed in the ways of fair play and sporstmanship. The girlfriend and I did... very poorly. Abyssmal, as it were.

As a side note, who over there at Bungie decided all the games should be Battle Rifle starts, huh? C'mon, give me at least a fighting chance. I love being spawn killed from the other side of the map repeatedly as much as the next guy, but couldn't we have at least had, I dunno, fiesta, or default weapon starts? Also, you guys gotta show me some time how this matchmaking system works. You can't tell me it's working just the way it is supposed to when it matches us up with two guys who combined have played over 8000 more games than us. Honestly, what the fuck, is there just a monkey at the server randomly putting players together in between bouts of poop flinging? I know matchmaking is hard, but sometimes I find it hard to believe there isn't a better match among the hundreds of thousands of people playing at any given moment. I'll wait the extra couple of seconds for a better match, honest.

The best match of the night (and I mean "best" in the most drippingly sarcastic manner possible) was the one in which we were practically shut out. A normal 2 versus 2 match goes to 25 points (one point per kill) and collectively I don't think the girl and I managed to even muster 5 kills. As unbalanced, and un-fun as that sounds, the other team had apparently been brought up by wolves or were perhaps from an alternate universe where it is totally okay to act like an ass to everyone you meet. Case in point: After every kill, without fail or hesitation, they chose to teabag our bodies. Uh, hello, assholes? Yea, we know you're beating us. We can see the scoreboard. Thanks for the reminder of your "greatness" though: You must be a really awesome player to be beating so handily a couple of people who only get to play Halo occassionally. Takes real skills there it does. Gee, I guess you must be some kind of super gamer. I'm envious. Have you joined MLG yet? I should add you to my friends list. You're really the kind of person I want to interact with regularly.

Oh and if you are unfamiliar or don't have the imagination to conjure what the term "teabag" means, it's the universally douche-baggy practice of standing over your opponent in a multiplayer game and repeatedly crouching so it looks like your character is humping their body. You know, like putting your testicles in their mouth: teabagging. Last time I checked though, didn't putting your balls in another guy's mouth kinda make you gay? Which is fine, I'm cool with that (though by your sexist/racist/homophobic taunts I suspect you are, in fact, not okay with it). Anyway, teabagging is about the lamest taunt ever, yet pre-pubescent kids and other equally simple-minded denizens of Xbox Live and elsewhere seem to think it's funny and the appropriate thing to do. To clarify: it's not. It doesn't make up for your small penis or failure as a human being. But whatever, keep doing it, I love reporting guys like you. LOVE IT.

I left the lobby as quickly as possible to avoid having to listen to these two cro-magnons taunt us any further, though the girlfriend narrowed her eyes at me and declared that she would have liked to hear what they had to say. But that's probably because she has, in the past, done her best to verbally bitch-slap our opponents.

It was frustrating, and not the way we wanted to spend our Valentine's gaming together. But then, gaming with your significant other doesn't always turn out the way you might want. But then, sometimes a moment comes along and you know why you bothered in the first place. We took a break after the disappointing session and decided to play again a couple days later. After some warming up, a better attitude, and some considerably better matchmaking, we got into a groove and played some good (and most importantly: fun) matches. I looked over at her, and her face was animated. She giggled infectiously, like a little girl, as she stuck an opponent with a plasma grenade and watched him explode in a beautiful blue ball of light.

And it is moments like these that remind me why I offered to share with her my controller, and my heart.

Other participants!
Gaming with my wife, You could be doubling alone, Next Gen Killed Our Gaming Relationship, Forced Perspective, Playing With My Toys, From Gaming Geek to Heroes Freak, My Lady and Gaming, Gaming with your significant other, Gaming Together, Maybe?, Girl Gamers = Hawt, Gaming with my significant other, Move Over Hott Boy, I Want to Play, Frag the Girlfriend!!, 'Til Mongoose Do Us Part

This Is So Not Good

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Apparently the GPU in my Xbox 360 Elite must be failing. All I get is this craziness. Red Ring of Death is imminent.

Your Ass vs. A Hole in the Ground

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:32:00 +0000

And finally, the debate of the millenia, comparing what's behind with what's below.

YOUR ASS provides cushioning for you to sit. A HOLE IN THE GROUND provides a place for puddles to form. Winner: YOUR ASS.

YOUR ASS came from all those twinkees you ate. That HOLE IN THE GROUND, where did that come from, has that always been there? Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

A HOLE IN THE GROUND can be filled by a road crew if it needs work. YOUR ASS can be filled by a nurse if, say, you need an enema. Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

A HOLE IN THE GROUND can produce noxious gas if it connects to a sewer. YOUR ASS can produce noxious gas after a late night run to Taco Bell. Winner: Neither.

ASS is a synonym for Donkey. HOLE is a synonym for Courtney Love. Winner: Tossup.

Someone who investigates a HOLE IN THE GROUND is called a Spelunker. Someone who investigates YOUR ASS is called a Proctologist. Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

YOUR ASS is round. A HOLE IN THE GROUND is round. Winner: Tie.

"Digging YOUR ASS" can be seen as a compliment. "Digging A HOLE IN THE GROUND" can be seen as a tiresome chore. Winner: YOUR ASS.

In prison, you could hide contraband in YOUR ASS. On a desert island, Pirates could hide buried treasure in A HOLE IN THE GROUND: Winner: A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

Although you really couldn't tell the difference, A HOLE IN THE GROUND beat YOUR ASS.

Thus concludes this little experiment in random thing vs. random other thing. Hope you enjoyed the ride.

X vs. Y

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 20:35:00 +0000

Can one letter really be better than another? Let's find out.

X often represents the unknown. Y stands in for "Why" in the literary wasteland that is txt-speak. Winner: X.

In a standard plot, X dictates all, being the independent variable. Y is the dependent variable essentially making it X's bitch. Winner: X.

X represents a strike in bowling. "The Y" is a nickname for the YMCA. Winner: X.

XXX is the most explicit of movie ratings. YYY is the rating given to movies like "Gigli" (as in "Why, why, why did they make this movie?") Winner: X.

"Triple-X" featured Vin Diesel and a shitty plot. "Triple-X: State of the Union" featured Ice Cube and a shitty plot. Winner (by default): Y.

X is the Roman Numeral for 10. Yotta is the SI prefix for 10²⁴. Winner: Y.

The X chromosome is a sex chromosome in mammals. The Y chromosome is a sex chromosome in mammals and triggers testis development. Winner: Y.

Generation X witnessed the end of the Cold War, fall of the Berlin wall, Grunge, Hip-Hop, and dotcoms. Generation Y grew up on instant messaging, the Internet, and cell-phones. Winner: Undetermined.

X-Ray Vision is one of Superman's many powers enabled by Earth's yellow sun. Y-Ray vision isn't possessed by any Superheroes (maybe Bizzarro Superman). Winner: X.

X is the INXS album that features "Suicide Blonde". Y is an album by the post-punk band "The Pop Group". Winner: X.

Xenu is a major figure in Scientology. Yahweh is English for the God of Israel. Winner: Y.

X marks the spot. Y kinda looks like a crotch. Winner: X.

Hardly a surprise, X proved itself the worthier of letters. Y, having been adopted late by the Romans in order to pronounce some Greek words, just hasn't had the time to build up the following of its rival. Overall Winner: X.

Hold on to your butts. Next week we ask: YOUR ASS vs. A HOLE IN THE GROUND.

The Silent Popcorn Watching From Beneath

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 19:03:00 +0000

There is a piece of popcorn under my desk. It's been sitting there for... honestly, I don't really know how long. A day? A week? A month, maybe? I don't remember the last time I had popcorn. Maybe never. And if never, then what does that mean?

I wonder what it's doing there. It just sits there, so quiet and still, silently judging me.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

I can't stop looking at it. It's right at the edge of my peripheral vision. It doesn't seem to do anything, or want anything, it's just content to exist and mock me.

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to crawl under there and get it? Is that what it really wants? Am I supposed to know that? Is it passive-aggressive? Am I getting the silent treatment for some unknown and long-passed transgression? Is it mad cause I let it drop on the floor and roll all the way over there?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?! TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT RIGHT!

I gotta stop thinking about this. It's just a stupid piece of popcorn. I mean, it's not like it's evil. Popcorn can't be evil right? Shit, maybe it can? God, I'm cracking up. Get a grip. Get a grip.

I'm just going to let it go. I'm just got to sit here and ignore it. It's not even here. It's not important. I have no iterest in it. I don't even know what "it" is? What piece of popcorn? Popcorn who? Popcorn? Where?

Popcorn.

Popcorn.

POPCORN.

Dammnit!

I can't help it, it's right there! How am I NOT going to notice it? Maybe I can call someone. Yes, that's it! I'll call someone to take care of it! HA HA HA! Fuck you, popcorn! You thought you had me, but now look who's laughing! Sit there as long as you want with your piercing, salty stare, but someone is coming for you, oh yes, someone will make you pay!

Oh God, I think it moved!

Suitcase vs. Papaya

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:30:00 +0000

This week we compare the quintessential piece of luggage with the tasty tropical fruit.

SUITCASEs are usually rectangular, convenient for stacking. PAPAYAs are oval in shape, succeptable to rolling. Winner: SUITCASE.

Hundreds of dishes incorporate the PAPAYA. Hobo Stew may contain SUITCASE pieces for texture. Winner: PAPAYA.

SUITCASEs can be used to transport cheap pharmaceuticals from Mexico. PAPAYAs are pruported to treat ringworm, high blood preassure, and gas. Winner: PAPAYA.

Some SUITCASEs have telescoping handles. PAPAYAs have a stem. Winner: SUITCASE.

SUITCASEs are sometimes inspected by airport security after mistaking a vibrator for an explosive device. PAPAYA seeds have strong spermicidal properties. Winner: PAPAYA.

SUITCASEs are succestible to damage or loss in transit. PAPAYAs are succeptible to the Papaya Fruit Fly. Winner: Tossup.

SUITCASEs can hold many days worth of clothing. PAPAYAs can hold many seeds. Winner: SUITCASE.

PAPAYAs contain 103% recommended daily intake of Vitamin C. SUITCASEs usually contain acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. Winner: PAPAYA.

PAPAYAs, when unripe, are known to release a latex fluid. A SUITCASE could hold roughly 2,772 latex condoms. Winner: SUITCASE.

Although PAPAYA was a fan-favorite coming into this competition, it couldn't quite edge out SUITCASE. Overall Winner: TIE.

Next week we tackle X vs Y.

Bear vs. Ballerina

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:19:00 +0000

This week we compare the hulking giant of the outdoors with the graceful beauty of the stage.

BEAR can stand upright on hind legs. BALLERINA can dance en pointe. Winner: BALLERINA.

BEAR shits in the woods. BALLERINA throws up meals to stay thin. Winner: BEAR.

BEAR can snag a salmon with one deadly swipe. BALLERINA can perfom a pas de poisson which looks like a fish jumping out of water. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs can be black, brown, or white. BALLERINAs wear tutus. Winner: Tossup.

BEARs have bare feet. BALLERINAs wear those little shoes. Winner: BALLERINA.

In North America, Grizzly is perhaps the best known BEAR. I can't name any BALLERINAs. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs can be distracted by throwing a backpack. BALLERINAs can spin repeatedly without getting dizzy. Winner: BALLERINA.

Teddy Ruxpin and Winnie the Pooh are famous fictional BEARs. Barbie has a BALLERINA outfit. Winner: BEAR.

BEARs are said to love honey. BALLERINA preference toward honey is unestablished. Winner: Undetermined.

Davy Crockett killed a BEAR when he was only three. No BALLERINAs were ever killed by an American folk hero. Winner: BALLERINA.

Amazingly, this one is too close to call. Clearly, one of nature's fiercest predators doesn't have enough to eek it out against dance's most graceful performers. Overall Winner: TIE.

Tune in next week when we tackle SUITCASE vs. PAPAYA.

Automated Holiday Greetings

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:45:00 +0000

[silence]

[sound of a cricket chirping]

[more silence]

[sound of wind blowing]

[a little more silence]

[The Sound of Silence]

[the soft static of a recording]

Hi, this is Kato's brain's answering service. Sorry it can't come to the blog right now, it's busy being shut off for, well, however long a brain shuts off. What do I look like a neurosurgeon? I mean, yes, I am wearing a lab coat and carrying a scalpel, but I really liked my Halloween costume and decided to wear it around all the time. That's not the point. The point is that Kato is not here. Though looking at the dust on this place, it looks like it's been awhile since he attempted anything with any, *ahem*, substance. But then who am I to judge. It's not like I'm the blog police. I mean, yes, underneath the lab coat is a police officer's uniform with a badge that says "Blog Patrol" but again, Halloween costume (last year). Anyway, Kato said something about Christmas wishes or Holiday cheer or Christmas cheer or Cheer with ColorGuardTM or something like that. I think I have the tape around her someplace. Let me see if I can find it.

[rustle]

[rustle, rustle]

[click]

"We choose to go to the Moon in this decade..."

[click]

Sorry, wrong tape.

[click]

"I'm gonna knock you out! Momma said knock you out!"

[click]

Nope, L.L. Cool J.

[click]

"...and do the other things..."

[click]

Kennedy again. Sorry. Here we go, I think this is it...

[click]

Is this on? Where do I talk, here? Is it here? Okay, here. *ahem* Hi blog peeps! Did I just say "peeps"? That makes me sound like a douchebag. Let me start again, you'll edit this all out right? Okay great. We going to Rally's after this? Man I could go for a Rally Burger. Okay, right, Holiday Greetings Message. Here we go... Hi everybody! Hope you are having a good Holiday Season, what with the Christmas, and the (C)Hanukkah, and the Kwanzaa, and Wookiee Life Day and such. This is a great time of year to be with your friends and family and so I sincerely hope you've gotten the chance to be with them this year. Seeing as how you are my (neglected) Internet family, I just wanted to take a moment to wish you a Happy 2008 and I hope that 2009 is good to you. Almost 2010, where's my damn flying car? Have a good one folks! Drink some eggnog for me!

-Kato

Wait, does that make sense to say "dash Kato"? How about "The End". Or, wait, "Happy Holidays!" That's way more fitting. This'll be up before Christmas right? Great, thanks!

[click]

[static]

[silence (with the faintest hint of sleigh bells...) ]

Hobo Social Networking Sites

noreply@blogger.com (Kato) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:23:00 +0000

BeanBo
BoxcarMates.com
FaceBindle
Fiendster
Freeloadr
Last.bm
MyShanty