This is your old friend Kato, Mother Nature. I know we've had our differences, but this... whatever this is... has got to stop.

Quite frankly, this snow--this snow is bullshit.

It's April, all right? April. What part of that are you having difficulty understanding? The saying doesn't go "April showers bring snow flowers", and not because that doesn't really make much sense, but because it's APRIL. It doesn't snow in APRIL. I mean, it does, but it shouldn't.

Do you know what I heard a few weeks ago, Mother Nature? Spring Peepers. That's right, Spring Peepers. It's in their goddamn name. And yet I look outside and do I see adorable amphibians calling to their mates with sweet sounds of love? No. I see snow. SNOW.

And what are those frogs gonna do, huh Mother Nature? They're cold blooded. It's not like they can just slip on a cardigan and sip hot cocoa till you decide to get off your ass and bring us some sunshine. Have you ever tried to put a sweater on a frog? They're fucked. All because of you.

You sicken me.

Look, I know you're busy trying to drown Fargo, but no reason to get pissy with us too. We're the Heartland, the Bread Basket. Or maybe you don't like the Heartland, in which case, consider us an eastern state. A good one, not New Jersey. Maybe Virginia. Everyone likes Virginia. Except maybe pre-Civil War blacks. Whatever, I'm getting distracted from my point.

And my point is this: can we lose the snow? Seriously, it's Baseball Season. You can't go to the game and enjoy a hotdog when there's an icicle hanging from your wiener.

Snow in April is un-patriotic. It's un-American. Basically, what I'm saying is: if you keep snowing on us, you let the terrorists win.

But if you won't do it for me, or for America, then do it for the Peepers. Cause no one ever stops to ask them what they think.

Angrily yours,
Kato