Since the dawn of time women have carried purses. In the days of cave people, it was really one of the few ways one could tell a hairy caveman apart from an equally hairy cavewoman, which came in handy as you might imagine. Plus, since the purse was probably made of stone (the Age was well-named), it made for a useful weapon when fighting off Saber-Toothed Tigers or prehistoric cave-to-cave magazine salesmen.

Men, however, never really picked up on the idea of carrying a bag with them at all times that, quite literally, contains everything you would ever need in any situation. I once ran into this British chick who carried around a copy of the Magna Carta in her purse just in case the Royal Family got any funny ideas. Sure, carrying a purse can probably be inconvenient at times, but you have to hand it to the ladies: they've gone all boy scout on us and are "prepared for anything". Except for maybe a Velociraptor attack, but that's why sites like this exist.

All this pondering of purses got me thinking: if I carried a purse man bag, what would I have in it? I've compiled a short list:

• Screwdriver (multi-size, possibly with socket attachment, and certainly with a Phillips head)
• Allen wrench. There's never one around when you need it.
• Gum. I'm tired of washing my jeans and finding the pockets irreversibly glued shut cause I left my Double Bubble in there.
• Towel.
• Mini first aid kit including at least some antacids, pain reliever, and bandaids. Guys get banged up.
• USB key.
• Xbox 360 memory unit with Live Account on it.
• Replica of the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Copy of the Wikipedia on CD (what if I'm at a computer with no Internet, gasp!)

Those are just a few of my ideas. Men, what do you think, what would you put in your Man Bag?

When I introduced the new look for the site, I probably should have followed the Web 2.0 trend so I could be part of the cool crowd. I resisted the temptation to make every corner rounded (the CSS was hard enough as is) but still, part of me wonders what it would have been like. The logo would certainly be different. It would be much "glassier"...


Images courtesy the Web2.0 Logo Creator.

She didn't win any favor with me by walking in the door and almost immediately strolling over to the radio controls and cranking up the volume (on some god-awful country channel) without even asking me if I would mind. There was nothing forcing her to do so, but common courtesy and a (perhaps imaginary) sense of weight-room etiquette would seem to dictate at least asking. It annoyed me, but I'm used to that kind of thing by now. What really bothered me was the fact that she dragged her two little girls along, who couldn't have been more than say eight years old.

I understand that you couldn't or wouldn't find someone to watch your children for fifteen minutes, but a weight room is no place for kids. It's just not.

Had they sat there quietly coloring in the corner or whatever it wouldn't have been so bad, but kids being kids they decided to play on the equipment. And of course she wasn't willing to stand up to them and tell them no, she just placated them by saying, "Mommy will be done soon". I watched as one little girl climbed on the elliptical trainer. "Mommy, can I exercise with you?" she said. Instead of doing the reasonable thing and telling her, "You should sit in the corner and play with your toys--these machine are built for grownups and aren't safe for you to be on, and you definitely shouldn't play on or around them," the "mom" instead answered with a spineless, "No... there are other people here."

Apparently their safety isn't important, but her appearance to others clearly is.

Naturally, the little girls being little girls (and don't get me wrong, they were adorable, and had little matching flower dresses on to boot) got bored and so both of them decided to climb on the elliptical machine, one on each pedal. Mom said nothing. Of course. I fully expected equipment to be broken (another rent hike, thanks) or worse, someone to get hurt.

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear earlier: The weight room is no place for children.

Seems obvious, but I guess not to all of us. I probably should have said something, but I was finishing up and walking out the door. I certainly didn't want the girls to get hurt, but I have a hard time being "that guy" who tells someone else how to handle their kids. Also, if you are going to come in and just walk on the treadmill (shoeless I might add, figure that one out), why not just take your kids for a nice walk outside. Its gorgeous and they can run in the grass and play instead of being cooped up watching you cling to your youth.

Oh, and as a side note, you know those pink sweats you were wearing? Yea, you can't wear those--you're a mom. Mom's are not allowed to wear sweatpants that say "Juicy" or "Tasty" on the ass. They just aren't. Unless you're jailbat, you are simply not permitted to wear cutesy/slutty attire that proclaims your bootylisciousness or facetious status as a "porn star". I know you probably think they looked "hip" or "jammin'" with your die-job and fake tan, but I don't make the rules. Sorry.

Am I wrong? Maybe I'm getting grouchy in my old age. Perhaps I'm channeling my inner Dvorak.

The Yahoo! Movies page has an exclusive new trailer for the Tranformers movie coming out July 4th. Its awesomeness makes my fanboy heart go all a-flutter. Do check it out if you are into such things, and please excuse me if my childhood nostalgia overflows onto this humble blogspace.

Also, there's going to be a new game based on it. If they are successful in realizing my lifelong goal of being able to take control of a vehicle that turns into a robot, I may just embrace my Xbox in, let's say, an unsavory manner.

Today begins month long multiplayer beta testing for Halo 3, Xbox's shooter darling. For some of you that means early access to the multiplayer console action we've been itching for for some time. For others, it means losing your loved ones to hours playing a game that isn't even out yet. For still others, it means absolutely nothing, and for you I have this picture of a rabbit sticking its tongue out.

Anticipating the moment this morning when the Halo 3 Beta would become active for download and play via XBox Live, my brain tried to prep me by letting the Halo world infiltrate my dreams. In them I apparently played through both Halo and Halo 2, though in true dream fashion I was a character in the game as opposed to just some dude sitting on his couch eating Cheetos.

The climax of Halo 2 features the iconic protagonist preparing to defend Earth from the Covenant horde single-handedly. My dream version was somewhat less dramatic. It featured me and Master Chief riding into an abandoned parking lot in an old van and meeting up with a few friends. These friends had apparently helped us out along the way and it was time to regroup before our final action. We decided to press forward and finish what we had started, and I attempted to deliver some weighty and dramatic closing line, but the appropriate words escaped me and I was a little more pragmatic.

Allow me to dissect this for you and point out the obvious flaws:

• Master Chief doesn't have a posse. This isn't Band of Brothers; he's a one-man fighting machine. Sure, he gets some help from time to time (usually in the form of inept AI-controlled UNSC Marines) but he's the one that has to do all the dirty work. You don't need your "buddies" when you're the kind of badass that would ride a bomb out into space to blow up an enemy ship.
• Master Chief doesn't drive a 1982 GMC Van. He just doesn't. A Warthog sometimes, yes, but not a van. Not unless he returned from the war with the Covenent and, having been abandoned by his country, cruises around selling hot stereos out of the back and making creepy assertions about what not to do "if it's rockin'".
• It's my dream, why am I riding shotgun with Master Chief instead of donning the sexy MJOLNIR armor myself? Self-esteem issues aren't supposed to play into your fantasies, that's just not fair. Maybe I'm not tall enough to wear the suit?
• An abandoned parking lot is hardly a fitting locale for the denouement of a sci-fi epic. It felt more like me and Master Chief were meeting up with friends to get a big chewy pretzel and a slurpee from K-Mart than preparing to save the world.
• My last words to the assembled band of freedom fighters--trusted friends whom I might never see again--was supposed to be fittingly weighty and inspiring. I intended to say, "Let's finish the fight", echoing the tag-line for Halo 3. Instead, my awkward dream-self could only muster, "Let's, uh... meet up over there." Way to rally the troops, there, Kato. It will certainly be remembered as one of history's most important speeches, along with William Wallace's "They can never take our... haggis!" and Churchill's "We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the playgrounds, we shall fight them back behind the Tastee-Freez..."

Speaking of which, what the hell am I doing blogging when I could be playing the beta? Now that they've fixed the download problem, that is.

Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky and find a server playing the "Abandoned Parking Lot" map with exciting van-based vehicle combat. A guy can dream, can't he?

I'm a man who is no stranger to milkshakes (just ask the girl at the fitness center). I cannot, however, fathom the logic behind places that sell their shakes so thick you need three straws (and pornstar lips) just to drink them. If I wanted ice cream, I'd order ice cream. But no, I would like a delicious, chilly milkshake, possibly with a cherry on top. McDonald's, I'm looking in your direction.

Incidentally, the consistency of a Chick-Fil-A milkshake is just about perfect (he writes, while finishing the last of his Mint Cookies and Cream).

Am I wrong?

This post may be a little difficult to explain for the uninitiated, but here goes. One of the more popular memes on the Internet, at least right now, is known as lolcats a subset of the image macro meme. Lolcats are simply images of cats (or other animals as it has expanded) featuring humorous captions, almost always written in quasi-leetspeak/baby-talk manner. For a few hundred examples, check out I Can Has Cheezburger. A few weeks back, Miss Veronica Belmont asked her blog readers to submit some lolcats images using pictures of her cats. I, of course, complied, though in the polls I was bested by a better net-warrior.

As an aside, whenever I read or hear the word "lolcats" I think of the song "The Lovecats" by The Cure.

Since the Internet is constantly changing and evolving, there have been many offshoots of this particular brand of humor. LolTrek is a good example: the classic Star Trek episode "The Trouble With Tribbles" revisited in still form, told in the lolcat fashion (I particularly like the second to last frame, a Star Trek in-joke).

Politics and government are now subject to the same treatment, as evident in lolpresident. To turn a phrase, I have thrown my hat in the ring and come up with some of my own, starting with a take on the old classic:

Not exactly "Hot as Hell" but amusing nonetheless.

Chipotle has some interesting audio advertisements. For instance, this one about pork.

Cause seriously, who doesn't like pork?

UPDATE: With the announcement by Microsoft that there is an "unacceptable" rate of failures with the 360, the warranty has been extended to three years for repairs. As a result there have been changes to how the repair process work and the waiting times for repairs since the time I originally published this post. As time goes by this post will likely become more inaccurate as Microsoft continues to deal with the failure problem. The following is a description of the process I went through (two times now) but it should be noted that it may not resemble exactly the current repair process. I have modified this article several times to reflect changes in the process that I become aware of.

My original Xbox 360 has died two times now, displaying the feared Red Ring of Death. The first was before the warranty extension (and prompted the original writing of this article) and the second was more recently (December of 2007). As a service to others I cataloged the repair process so one can know what to expect. It should be noted up front that Microsoft will repair your Xbox 360 for free if it is still under warranty (which has been extended to three years from the date of purchase for cases where the Xbox shows the hardware failure "three flashing red lights") and they will pay for shipping to and from the repair facility, as well as providing shipping materials. In addition, they are offering to refund the repair charges paid by anyone whose Xbox failed in this manner before they extended the warranty. This guide was priginally written before the extension to the three year warranty but I have tried to update it with the changes I noticed during my second repair. Still, your mileage may vary.

1. Confirm that your Xbox 360 is really dead or dying. If it has suffered a hardware failure and died completely, it will show three red lights on the ring of light. If it shows four lights then you have a problem with your video cable but the system itself is probably okay. Microsoft has two relevant knowledge base articles to turn to when you system is failing but not yet dead: Xbox 360: The screen freezes (KB907586) and Xbox 360: Three red lights flash on the Ring of Light (KB907534). Consult them to see if there are any steps you can take to fix the problems you are having or determine if you have a bad component other than the system itself (a faulty hard drive or power supply, for instance).
   
   
2. Check if you Xbox 360 is still under warranty. Microsoft announced on July 5th, 2007 that "Any Xbox 360 customer who experiences a general hardware failure indicated by three flashing red lights will now be covered by a three year warranty from date of purchase", meaning that they will fix your 360 for free (including shipping to and from their facility) so long as the console is less than three years old and the problem is the flashing red lights hardware failure. Although the warranty page says you need to provide a bill of sale as proof, Microsoft appears to be able to look up that information based on your 360's serial number. You can check this yourself online at their Registration, Warranty, and Repair Service for Devices page. You will need to log in with your Windows Live ID and, more than likely, Register A New Device with the system. Once you have your 360 registered, you can click on a link to it to show the warranty and repair status. The warranty status will either say "In Warranty" or "Out of Warranty". If your 360 is no longer under warranty you can still have it repaired but there will be a fee.
   
   
3. Request a new repair online. Originally you had to call support to request a repair. Now you do so via the Registration, Warranty, and Repair Service for Devices page. The repair request system resembles an online purchasing or shopping cart system, though there will be no cost for the "item" unless you are out of warranty. When you are finished you may want to print the last page for your reference as, at least in my case, no e-mail copy was delivered.
   
4. A box from Microsoft will arrive in a few days in which to pack your Xbox 360 for shipment to their repair facility. Microsoft uses UPS 3-day select which is supposed to guarantee a package arrives "by the end of the third business day", but mine took 4 business days (for a total of 6 days since it was shipped over a weekend). The box will contain: the box itself, an instruction sheet, a form where you checkmark what problems you were having, a UPS shipping label, a strip of tape to reseal the box, a bag for the Xbox 360, and foam in which to pack it.
   
   
5. Follow the instructions (included in the box from Microsoft) on how to package up your Xbox 360. Fill out the included form asking you to checkmark which issues you've been having (most like the "Three red lights on circle of light") and put that back in the shipping box so they know what to look for. You will be sending ONLY the 360 itself--no hard drive, no memory sticks, no controllers, no games in the drive, no custom faceplates, and no power supply. The instructions should tell you to place the 360 in the bag they supply and then into the foam packaging material to protect it during shipment. The foam packaging immobilizes the unit pretty well and seems to be sufficient (i.e. you probably don't need to throw in any bubble wrap or noodles). A strip of tape is provided to reseal the box and a pre-printed UPS label (also provided) can be affixed right over the original label on the box from Microsoft (a UPS worker confirmed that the additional stickers that get placed on the box when processed by them do not need to be removed or blacked out). Make note of the tracking number on the shipping label so you can track the status of your package as it travels to the repair center (located in Texas, at least for U.S. repairs).
   
   
6. Send your package via UPS to Microsoft's repair center. You can either have UPS pick it up (at a cost to you) or drop it off either at a UPS store/shipping center or a UPS drop-off box. The shipping is pre-paid by Microsoft (hence the shipping label provided). Although Microsoft suggests you get a receipt when you send it, the UPS worker at the store from which I shipped informed me that there was no receipt to be had due to the way they process their packages and that a tracking number should be sufficient. Thus, use whatever method is most convenient for dropping off your package (UPS provides a location finder on their site). It should take no more than three business days to arrive at the repair center, but mine took around 4 plus a weekend.
   
   
7. The repair center will receive your package in a few days and start repairs. The status on the Registration, Warranty, and Repair Service for Devices page will change to "Device Received at Service Center". Originally you received an e-mail notifying you that they received your package but during my second repair I received no status e-mails.
   
   
8. The repair center will fix your 360 and ship it back to you. Repairs seem to only take around 24 to 48 hours. Once they are finished repairing (or determining that your box cannot be repaired) your unit (or a replacement) will be immediately shipped back to you. The status on the Registration, Warranty, and Repair Service for Devices page will change. Originally they sent an e-mail telling you the unit was repaired on on its way back to you and what the package tracking number was but during my second repair I received no e-mails so that may have changed.
   
   
9. You'll receive your repaired Xbox 360 via UPS--be home to sign for it. The repair center ships back your fixed 360 again via UPS 3-day select so expect a several day wait (in my case it was 4 or 5, not the promised "3 business days"). Signature is required on delivery so make sure someone is around to sign for it. Make sure the shipping box is in good condition and that your unit hasn't been damage--my first one looked like it had been kicked around, but fortunately the 360 was unmarred (though it had come loose from its shipping foam). Your 360 will return in a plastic bag and in the shipping foam similar to when you sent it out. You'll also likely find included a nice apology letter from Microsoft and, at least in my case, a complimentary one month Xbox Live Gold membership card as a gesture of appreciation.
   
   One commentor said he received his return package via FedEx so delivery method may vary a little by location.
   
   
10. Make sure your 360 works again and reset your system settings. The 360's store system settings on internal memory. When you set your system up again after repairs it will have lost your custom system settings (though NOT your saved games, profiles, account information, etc., as these are stored on a hard drive or memory card).