I think every kid/kid-in-an-adult-body has dreamed about having superheroic powers and how unquestionably awesome it would be to use them. The question of what the best (and worst) superpowers are and how they could be used (and misused) are as old as comics themselves. Of course, in the early days they had dubious superpowers like "faster than a speeding bicycle!" and "stronger than Dr. Withertonne's Peppermint Liniment!" and "able to vex the Kaiser!" We've fortunately come a long way in our many years of comic-y goodness, and have a much more interesting palette to choose from.

I am, however, a practical and reasonable man. I don't consider myself a hero, and therefore wouldn't consider myself a superhero if I had some superpowers. After all, I am incalculably awesome, but it's not like I go around proclaiming I'm Awesome Man. At least not until I can secure the trademark and the t-shirts get printed up. So, when it comes to superpowers, I think I would judge them on how best they might suit my needs as an average, non-superheroic being. Here are a few I've considered.

Accelerated Healing (ex. Wolverine)
Not facing danger on a daily basis, the ability to heal quickly is not as important to a person such as myself. On the other hand, my semi-superheroic ability to stub my toe on any surface within 20 inches of either foot would make this handier than you might expect. Factor in the chance that at any moment my clumsiness could result in serious bodily harm and you've got a decently compelling argument.
Usefulness: 5. Coolness: 5. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 0.

Echolocation (ex. Daredevil)
Unless I forget to pay the electric bill, or arrows blot out the sun, I don't think I'll be needing this anytime soon. As a man who is fortunate enough to not be lacking any of the five senses, I wouldn't find this improving my quality of life very much. Besides, it would probably be easier to just carry a flashlight.
Usefulness: 2. Coolness: 4. Likeliness it'll get me laid: -4. Annoyance Factor: 7.

Fireworks (ex. Jubilee)
Are you kidding me? Fireworks? Seriously, that can be a superpower? That comes in handy like once, maybe twice, a year. I wouldn't take this power if it came free as a bonus with the purchase of another power.
Usefulness: -10. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 0. Lameness as a superpower: 11.

Flight/Levitation (ex. Superman)
I think I'd opt to just be able to hover a dozen or so feet off the ground rather than truly fly. Besides my crippling fear of heights higher than my coffee table, I just don't see the need to go flying about. Sure it would save on airfare, but why do all the work when you can pay someone to cart your lazy ass around? Plus the bugs-in-teeth factor would really kill the novelty. A quick hover, though, would be useful for reaching those high kitchen or grocery store shelves, and at the rate I lose Frisbees on roofs it would pay for itself in no time.
Usefulness: 5. Coolness: 5. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 2.

Intangibility/Phasing (ex. Kitty Pride)
I guess it would reduce the wear and tear on my doorknobs.
Usefulness: 1. Coolness: 3. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 1.

Invisibility (ex. Invisible Woman)
It would be difficult for me to come up with many practical uses for this power that aren't somehow criminal or, at the very least, exceptionally lascivious. It's the kind of power that teenage boys dream about. As an adult though, that lure is tempting but, really, with the kind of things you can find on the Internet, it somewhat pales in comparison (I mean, after all, even if I can turn Invisible, how am I going to get into Jessica Biel's dressing room?) I suppose it might be useful for dodging survey-takers, Jehova's Witnesses, and my boss, so I can't rule it out completely.
Usefulness: 4. Coolness: 7. Likeliness it'll get me laid: -2.

Magnetism/Magnetic Manipulation (ex. Magneto)
As a computer guy, being magnetic seems like a liability more than anything. I'm good enough at crashing hard-drives without the power.
Usefulness: -2. Coolness: 1. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 0.

Spider Sense/Precognition (ex. Spider-Man)
I have to admit, a certain amount of precognition would come in handy, assuming I could bend it toward something other than the avoidance of immediate danger (similar to reasons given against Healing Factor). It would be nice to know when the boss was about to come down to my office and dump a load of work in my lap. Or when a telemarketer or religious charity was about to call. It would be really nice to know when the girlfriend was about to, you know, not-be-able-to-go-swimming. It would have been particularly nice in the age before TiVo ("Kato Sense is tingling... My show is about to start!")
Usefulness: 5. Coolness: 5. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 2 (but at least I'll know for sure ahead of time)

Superhuman Intelligence (ex. Kato)
Already have it.
Usefulness: 1. Coolness. -5. Likeliness it'll get me laid: Track record speaks for itself.

Super Speed (ex. The Flash)
The advantages for travel are obviated by the fact that I hate running. On the upside I suppose I could finish my chores and other mundane tasks in no time. On the down side, it would probably carry over into the bedroom as well.
Usefulness: 2. Coolness: 1. Likeliness it'll get me laid: -5.

Super Strength (ex. Superman)
I think superhuman strength would be nice, but overkill. Handy when opening jars, but a liability when, say, playing Xbox or petting small woodland creatures. Lots of busted controllers and furry little broken necks. I think I'd opt for above-human strength, like a Vulcan perhaps.
Usefulness: 6. Coolness: 2. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 3.

Wallcrawling (ex. Spider-Man)
Certainly impressive, but I rarely find myself with the need to climb a wall. I would save money on carabiners, but honestly a guy like me only uses those to carry his keys. It falls short of flight/levitation.
Usefulness: 2. Coolness: 6. Likeliness it'll get me laid: 1.

X-ray Vision (ex. Super-Man)
Barring a career in osteopathy, the only uses I can see for this involve wilfull invasions of privacy. I guess I could save on electricity by using it to peer through the refrigerator door instead of just standing there with it open for 20 minutes trying to find that cold chicken drumstick from a week ago.
Usefulness: 2. Coolness: 4. Likeliness it'll get me laid: -1.


The preceding was part of the first annual WITFITS Suggest A Topic Week, where the readers suggested a topic for me to write about. See here for details.