Hello, is this thing on?

It's a computer, not a Dictaphone. I assure you it's working. Just say whatever it is you want to say--I'm transcribing it.

What about that?

What?

That. What you just wrote there.

What?

Exactly.

Exactly what?

Yes, that's what I said.

[suffice it to say this divulges into a long "Who's On First"-esque routine. I've spared you the details. Poor guy, it was almost too easy.]

ENOUGH! I will not tolerate this disobedience. I demand to know why you are typing all of this!

You said, "You will chronicle my evil scheme so that all the world may know! Write it down, every word!" So I am.

But, not THIS part. This isn't dramatic, this is just mindless banter! Stop it! Stop writing that!

Listen, you're an evil genius, why don't you do it yourself? Oh, right, you "don't know how to blog". You know, for an evil genius/criminal mastermind you can be a bit of a Luddite.

Your computer... it just has too many "windows" or whatever you called them. And colors. It should be green on black. When the guy from the Guild's "Evil Geek Squad" came out and set up our network--Terry I think was his name--he showed us the place where you type the text, and it was green on black. That's what you use when you're evil, it's our thing. I don't know what all this is. What the hell is a "FireFox" anyway? Nevermind. SILENCE!

[Clearing his throat] Behold, denizens of the World: I have come thus (thusly? "I-have-come-thusly"? "I-have-come-thus"? "beholddenizensoftheworld: I have come... forth" Forth!) I HAVE COME FORTH unto your precious "Inter net", promising domination and your inevitable servitude. Your little electronic playground will serve me well as I take over the world! You may wish to consider worshiping me as your god! (Too much?)

No, no, that's good. A little Stargate-y, but good. Incidentally, I've set up an account for you, but you should probably come up with a good screen name. People usually incorporate their nickname or maybe a sport or a hobby, and more than likely a couple of numbers since all the good handles were snatched up by the USENET guys years ago.

Hmmm, I will have to consider that carefully. I would want it to truly reflect the cunningness of my evil.

OneTreeHillFan78 is still available.

Take it, quickly! One day Brooke Davis will be mine.... Now where was I. Oh yes. BEHOLD, denizensofthe--wait wait, we've done that part. "...domination and servitude...", right, "...take over world... worshipping...", okay, okay... IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION that there was a spy amongst my ranks all this time...

Hi folks, it's me, Kato.

...A mole, if you will, mole-ing his way into the very heart of my seemingly mole-proof lair....

It wasn't hard, the passcode for all the locked doors around here is "EvilRules".

...A minor contractor in my service, one of hundreds of workers furthering my evil plans...

I surf the web all day. Plus I'm using his bandwidth to download torrents.

...It would appear that he has committed the gravest of transgressions against I, the great Dr. Katonian: he has been uploading pages from my personal diary of evil!...

See here. Incidentally, you should know that it has "Diary of Evil" written on the cover in sparkley sequins above a picture of a unicorn impaling a mime.

...but, mastermind that I am, I set up an elaborate sting and was able to capture this cunning saboteur...

I was walking by his throne room/command center and he offered me a donut. I said, "Sure, a donut sounds good." But I don't want to steal his thunder.

...and through the most devious of torture methods I was able to break him and bend his will toward mine...

The donut WAS kinda stale.

...and now he serves as my conduit into your online world! I will take over this "Blog-o-sphere" of yours, cultivating a small cult following that will gradually build into an online force the likes of which have never been seen before! They will hang on my every word, nourished by my unrivaled genius, willing to do my evil bidding without question or reservation. They shall rise up against their governments and their neighbors, ushering forth a... what are you... what are you doing there? Are you packing up?

Yea, it's like 5:30 and I really need to be heading out.

But I am not finished. There is more to say.

Yea, but... you know... 5:30. I have this schedule I like to follow--don't like to get home too late or else it throws that off...

Well, yes, I can appreciate that. A schedule is important. But--

...and if I don't get going, there's traffic to contend with...

Traffic. Of course, that can be a problem this time of day. Still--

...plus, I have a lot to do this evening. I have a TiVo full of shows that I need to get caught up with. You understand, right?

Oh, uh, yes... well of course. We will pick this up tomorrow where we left of then?

Yea, you know tomorrow's probably not great. I've got this thing in the morning and my afternoon is really starting to fill up, but I'll stop by when I'm free, how does that sound?

Oh, well, by all means, I know how it is to be busy. Always got stuff around here to do! You know, what with the evil-doing and the "taking-over-the-world" bit.

Super, you're a great boss, thanks for understanding. I'm just going to save this here and we'll pick it up another time.

And by then my online minions will already have doubled in number!

Sure, whatever you say, doc.


The preceding was part of the first annual WITFITS Suggest A Topic Week, where the readers suggested a topic for me to write about. See here for details.