For new readers, or current ones who just fail to notice detail, WITFITS is run out of the great state of Ohio. The Buckeye State. The Heart of it All. The Rock and Roll Capital of the World. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. The weather is as fickle here as in any northern state, with blistering summers and bone-chilling winters. It's a very bi-polar state of being: it seems we don't have Spring or Fall, you just wake up one morning and the barbecue grill you were using last night to cook your Johnsonville Brats is now covered in a foot of snow. This year was a little different, though.

The beginning of Winter was unusually mild for us, a phenomenon I revelled in for as long as humanly possible. In December there was hardly a hint of snow, the sun blessing us with blissful 40 and 50 degree days which, Northerners will agree, is downright "balmy". I began to think about Al Gore's documentary and his trip across America. Inconvenient Truth my ass! I mean, yea, climate change is real, no doubt about that, but Inconvenient Truth? I spent Christmas in a t-shirt and shorts. Global Warming rules!

Then the New Year came.

Mother Nature woke up from her nap, Nyquil-induced stupor, yearly Bridge game, or whatever was keeping her, and dropped the hammer. "I've let them off too easy," she said, stroking her pet Polar Bear, Mr. Icy Pants. "How about we turn it down a notch? BAM!"

Sorry, it's near lunch and sometimes food celebrities manipulate my thoughts.

This weekend I watched my digital thermometer plummet into single digits. 5 degrees... 4... 3... 2... 1 and a half... 2. "Hey, it's warming up out there!" I said aloud to no one in particular. Then I caught something out of the corner of my eye--a symbol I had never seen on the display before. It was a minus sign. A goddamn minus sign. If I was still a student I would have probably jumped in the air and clicked my heels (many schools here are closed right now because of the low temps--apparently kids can get frostbite, who knew?) but "Snow Days" are few and far between as an adult. And I had yet to take out the trash. Let me just say, it's hard to steel yourself against -10 degree windchill. When I had finished my three trips to the dumpster, I was a Kato-cicle. I think it took an hour for me to defrost. Even my teeth were cold.

To sum it up: the conditions outside are ridiculous and, honestly, my balls can't take it. I suspect they have retreated back into my body cavity where it's safe and warm. I woke up the other day to find them absent, a Post-It note stuck where they used to be. It read: "Screw this, we're outta here. See you in Spring!"

It can't come soon enough.