Today is Groundhog Day here in North America. It celebrates the incredibly boring and inane tradition of Pennsylvanians (and others) donning old-timey hats and standing out in the god-awful cold in the hopes that the reactions of a rodent vis-a-vis his shadow will be some grand portent of the year's weather. I prefer Whacking Day or Weasel Stomping Day, but that's just me. Maybe if they waited for the groundhog to poke his head out and then clubbed him to death with a five iron I'd be more excited.

I'm kidding. WITFITS doesn't advocate violence against animals... Unless, of course, they are delicious animals that come with fries or onion rings. But, seriously, Groundhog Day? These things are like the retarded hillbilly cousins of Beavers.

In anticipation of today, a friend of mine made me hip to Groundhog Central, part of the web site for the (I shit you not) Committee For the Commercialization of Groundhog Day. I didn't know such a committee existed, let alone the need for one. Groundhog Central has a list of all the major players in the North American Groundhog game, from Punxsutawney Phil to Furby the Wonder Chicken (who, oddly enough, isn't a groundhog). My favorite has to be Liburn, Georgia's "General Beauregard Lee". In addition to holding a military rank (in what service and capacity I do not know), "Beau" is also a PhD, holding (honorary) doctorates from the University of Georgia and Georgia State University (in "Weather Prognostication" and "Southern Groundology", respectively).

Ah, Georgia: Leading our Nation in made-up degrees for non-human species. Mental note: Complete University of Georgia application.

Being the spokes-hog for your community is apparently a pretty swanky gig. Holland, Ohio's "Holland Huckleberry" apparently enjoys peanut butter on toast, salted peanuts in the shell, potato chips, and lambs quarters--with sweetened iced tea to wash it down. I'm going home to a frozen dinner and a half-finished can of flat soda.