This year I definitely am not feelin' Halloween. I usually at least put up some decorations and what not, but I didn't even do that. I blame it on being sick through the middle of the month, that has totally thrown me off. My lethargy right now has reached epic proportions. I'm the living embodiment of "meh".

But I did at least put up a candy bucket (one of those plastic Jack-O-Lanters that could double as a pail for building sandcastles, no doubt) in my office at work and have been steadily feeding my fellow employees for the past thirty days. Incidentally, the people at my job must eat very little sugar because when I put out the candy they all fiend for it. People walk by and then back up and gingerly place their hand in the basket even though I said it was okay to have a piece just the day before. But when they finally take hold of that small morsel of chocolate (incidentally, "fun-size" is anything but) they stare at it as if it were their precious and then devour it greedily. Hours later they are back for more. Their appetite is insatiable.

Let me also take this opportunity to give out some free advice (which is, pretty much, what blogs are for--unsolicited advice). If you are a dude and you choose to dress up as Batman this Halloween, please consider enhancing your groinal region by at least wearing a cup or perhaps stuffing a zucchini wrapped in tinfoil down your pants. The Dark Knight has to live up to certain expectations. Batman should never have a camel-toe.

That last statement might seem obvious and a bit odd, but I assure you, one such individual I saw recently had this very phenomenon working for him. His inexpensive grey cotton Batsuit jumper thingy had a lateral seam down the center between the legs and it was clearly quite tight. The effect was... disturbing.

Thank you, YouTube.

Thank you for reminding me of a part of my childhood I hadn't thought of in many, many years: The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley. Who could forget the utter genius behind taking an SCTV character, turning him into a cartoon (as if he wasn't cartoonish enough), adding a talking rat (Sheldon) and a depressed goldfish (Moby: "Why is he talking to me? Does he think I need to be talked to?"), science lessons from two inept brothers, and a live-action segment starring Joe Flaherty as Count Floyd ("Ooh, pretty scary kids!").



Seriously, wtf?

Actually, I remember being quite fond of the character and the show, probably because it was just so weird. As as kid, I always thought I was kinda "weird", so Ed was like a kindred spirit. I later found out that there was a name for our kind: geeks. Then again, growing up in the 80's I was exposed to a lot of weird stuff, some of which is only coming to the surface now, with the help of the Internet. You go back and watch something like Pee-Wee's Playhouse and have to ask yourself: is it crazy, or is it brilliant? I'm not quite sure.

In a related note of local interest, I found this comparison photo amusing. Explains a lot.

Last night I dreamt I had a bittorrent client in my alarm clock.

I don't really know what that's supposed to mean, but considering the rest of the dream was equally unusual I suppose it made sense contextually.

Dear Kato,

What the hell, man, where are you? It's been over a week and nothing. Was it something I said? Something I did? Look, I'm sorry if I offended you somehow. Whatever it was, I didn't mean it. Hey, we're still cool, right? I mean, we gotta good thing going, I'd hate to throw it all away. Unless... it's another blogging tool isn't it? Who is it? Moveable Type? I thought so, that hussy!

I'm sorry. Look, I'm not mad. I just miss you, that's all.

Your blog,
WITFITS

Dear WITFITS,

I'm sorry, baby. It's not you, it's me. Really. Well, not so much me as a collection of virii inside me. Not quite as bad at the HKV, but enough to knock me out for a week. I guess I should have had the doctor install Norton Antivirus: Human Edition. I'm sorry. My head has felt like it was full of sand. It was like trying to think through oatmeal. I wanted to be with you, I really did, but anytime I sat down to write something, the end result looked like a toddler hammering on a keyboard (which is not to say I write any better when I'm well). I did have glorious fever dreams with which I could have delighted you, but upon awakening from them I found myself unable to muster the effort to tell you.

Things should be back to normal soon, as I have several items on my plate waiting for me to devour and digest, and then defecate fully formed opinions. As you can see, my illness has improved my powers of metaphor.

I must also confess that I've been consumed with Battlefield 2142. It has taken much of my free time (there are only three things you can really do well while sick: sleep, watch television, and play video games). Much like its predecessor, Battlefield 2, it consumes my thoughts and the desire to suckle on its sweet electronic teat is nearly irresistible. Having a half-dozen buddies also playing it online with me just sweetens the deal even more. And, to be fair, I should warn you that Neverwinter Nights 2 comes out next week as well. Its fifty hour campaign will likely consume the rest of my time (I think I can manage a half hour of sleep a night, with a 20 minute power nap at work while my boss is at lunch). Its delicious toolset lures me even more, with the promise of realizing my dream of torturing gamers everywhere with a custom-built campaign of my very own. Suffice it to say, I'm a busy gamer.

Fear not, though, dear WITFITS. I haven't forgotten you. In fact, in a sketchbook nearby I have notes on a facelift you've deserved for some time. When it will be implemented I do not know, but I think we can purty you up a bit. Oh, and web-surfers who want to save typing a few characters can now reach you via www.katonian.net. Oh, and your Favicon is back, and the custom category system works again (until Google changes their Blogsearch again). Its the little things.

Your loving blogger,
Kato

The other night while watching television, I came across one of the more horrendous commercials to grace my optic nerves in the past five years. It was so bad, in fact, that I took the time to transfer the entire recording from my TiVo, convert it to a non-DRM'ed format, edit it down to just the commercial, and upload it to YouTube. I just had to share it with the rest of the world. The ad is for a local sub joint named Mr. Hero.

And now, bear witness to this absolutely horrible Mr. Hero commercial:



I'm stunned. I enjoy a tasty Romanburger now and then and I would have thought that my monetary contributions vis-a-vis paying for said sandwich (and Waffer fries) would, at least in part, go into some fund designated for advertising. I theorized that this was the reason for charging for cheese--some type of "public awareness campaign" tax. I had assumed that there was some stipend which funded what one might call an "advertising budget" that would in turn pay trained professionals to demonstrate the tastiness of their products and the joy of the eating experience.

Clearly I was proven terribly, terribly wrong. Or perhaps it is marketing genius, and my Cro-Magnon-like skull is too thick to be penetrated by its obvious message. Let's see what can we learn by analyzing the footage:

• Mr. Hero is its own television network, as indicated by the lower corner watermark.
• Hunger and/or going into labor is a sad, scary event, which is accompanied by music that is almost certainly left over from the soundtrack to some mid 80's made-for-TV movie about losing a child (or date-rape, or alcohol abuse, or asthma, or really whatever). In studio it is performed by three middle-aged accountants.
• Stressful situations often cause people to walk as if they are illuminated by a strobe light. This is the result of one's bloodstream mayonnaise count dropping dangerously low.
• Contrary to popular belief, SUVs do not require passengers to close the rear door. Their cargo is held in by a passive laser-restraint system.
• Filming a car pulling out of a driveway is one of the most expensive shots in any movie. Titanic and Waterworld both went over their budget for this very reason, with both directors vainly assuming they could film a realistic car driveway shot for under 10 million dollars. To cut costs a common film-making technique (used by everyone from Spielberg to Uwe Boll) is to simply zoom in on the car to suggest movement. The difference is imperceptible to the human eye.
• Pregnant women are advised by their doctors to never wear a seatbelt, ever, especially when riding in an SUV. The amniotic sac acts as a natural air bag.
• SUVs are built with blue screens instead of windows on which one can project a more pleasant background while driving.
• Pregnant women look the same as regular women, if those regular women are wearing a baseball umpire's chest protector.
  
• Hunger for greasy food > labor pains. Also, expecting to give birth is a real downer, a kind of funk that can only be lifted by Mr. Hero.
  
• Mr. Hero restaurants are often filled with people who are not eating but rather mouthing "rhubarb apples" and such over and over.
• Random spokespeople are only taken seriously if they are given a name. Once they have a name, their word is law.
• Nicole has no idea what to do with her hands or left leg.
  
• Even dorks who wear shirts like that get laid at least once, apparently.
  

Additionally, what genius decided that the period in the logo should look like a bleeding gunshot wound?

By the way, if you want more torture, visit Mr. Hero's website (which represents the best of the Internet... in 1996). If you view it in Internet Explorer, you are treated to a longer version of the 80's rock ballad Mr. Hero theme song. Totally awesome. I'm gonna go bash my hand with a hammer now to see if I still feel.

"You smell like a closet," he said.

"Oh shut up, you know you've missed me," she replied, playfully.

"I don't know... I don't think this is a good idea." There was hesitation in his voice.

"I think you'll change your mind in a minute." Her reply was coy, and inviting. She wrapped her arms around him, and he let out a long sigh.

"This does feel good," he said, pulling her closer.

"I've missed you," she said, wrapping him up tighter.

"I've missed you too," he replied. "But... you know this is going to end up how it always does, right?" He absent-mindedly played with her zipper.

"Why, whatever do you mean?" she teased him back.

"We always do this. I come running back to you, and everything is great for awhile." He sighed. "Then, six months from now, things change, I get restless, and you get put aside."

She nestled up as close as she could and whispered, "I'm okay with that, if you are."

He slid his hand in her pockets and smiled, though his smirk was tinged with more than a little resignation. "Very well, my dear. Just so long as you promise to keep me warm."

"I promise," she cooed. And with that he pulled up her zipper, and wore her out into the cold fall morning.

For awhile now I've been a user of the social bookmarking site Digg.com. Digg is a news site that gets its "stories" (which are just as often blog posts, or regular websites) from user submissions. Submissions are dugg by users (given a thumbs up) and float to the top. Its certainly not without its flaws (lots of good stories never get seen, the comments section is usually rife with flames and juvenile posts) but its a nice additional source of news and clickworthy lengths.

I mention all this because I recently added a link on the right of the page (somewhere over there, where links live) that points to my Digg account. Why would I do such a thing, you ask? (Go ahead, ask it. I'll wait.) Oh, well, because Digg is about community, and I often post what I find here at WIFITS (when I think to do so) so I thought witfiters (and witfities) like yourselves might be interested in what I've dugg. Or not. It seems terribly vain to think that you might care, but for what it's worth, the link exists. Do with it what you will. If any of you already have Digg accounts, you're welcome to add me ("WITFITS") as your friend. Or, again, not. I won't be offended. Well, maybe a little.

Now go, digg some stories, for the good of all.

Oh, also, if you guys ever want to Digg one of my "hilarious" posts, please feel free to do so. Not that they are diggworthy, but I wouldn't stop you. (Too pandering?)

I stumble across any number of odd things in my net adventures. Here are some interesting links I never got around to posting about:

VIDEOS

• "Weasel Stomping Day": Seth Green's Robot Chicken created a video for the amusingly bizarre Weird Al track off his latest album, Straight Outta Lynwood. Outta respect for Weird Al, I won't point out the Simpson's did it in '93.
  
• "Make Love, Not Warcraft": South Park's season 10 premiere involves the boys fighting an epic griefer in Blizzard's crazy popular massively multiplayer online roleplaying game World of Warcraft. The pure geekery of this episode makes me tingle in places I didn't know geeks had.
  
• "Biff's Question Song": Tom Wilson (perhaps better known as "Biff" from Back to the Future) released a video on YouTube of part of his comedy routine where he talks about and answers many of the questions he's asked all the time. He didn't answer my question, though: "What the heck is a Gigawatt?"
  
• "I am a Mac - boom": A quick spoof of the "I'm a Mac" ads. If only this would really happen to Justin Long's Mac character.
• "MC Trebek in Da Hizouse": Jeopardy's College Championship featured a category in which Trebek had to read off rap quotes and the contestants had to guess who the artist was. Of course I got them all right. I thought the last one was easy, but what do I know, I'm an old man.
• "You Jackin' It?": Cleveland's own investigative jerk reporter Carl Monday did a six part story on some guy who masturbated to porn at the local library. The Daily Show decided to do a spot on the story and try to uncover the secrets to Monday's awesome journalistic powers. Amusing in itself, doubly so if you happen to live here in Northeastern Ohio.
• Jose Canseco aids the Indians in scoring a home run: A classic baseball moment, particularly in Cleveland Indians history. No Golden Gloves for this guy.
  
• Red Dwarf "Backwards" - What did he really say?: If you're not a fan of the British sci-fi comedy, Red Dwarf, then just move along, gimboid. This video shows what is actually being said in one of the backwards sequences of the episode of the same name. Daehgems a er'ouy.
  
• Kevin Smith on his worst sexual experience: Director of Clerks, etc., talks candidly about his very amusing (and painful) worst sexual experience. I think I may adopt Kevin Smith's "I never take my shirt off" policy, it just makes good sense.
  
• Tetris imagined with Chiclets: What will those crazy French think of next?
• The Halo theme performed by HS students: If you've played Halo (or Halo 2) for more than 5 minutes (or sat in the menu screen for an equal length of time) you'll no doubt appreciate this arrangement by a group of Highschool students. Man, I wish being a geek was cool when I was in highschool. Also, that violinist chick rocks! Call me when you're legal.
• Leo's Angels: Hokey but amusing bit from the heyday of The Screen Savers featuring the classic girls of TSS as well as a highly amusing cameo by Kevin Rose. Could we pine any more often for TechTV?
  
• Time Fountain: A little homebrew "fountain" (drip machine) with a tweakable strobe that causes the drips to appear to be floating in mid air or even falling in reverse. Reminds me why I decided to take that strobe light out of my bathroom.
  
• Animation with penlights: An amateur Japanese filmmaker/artist shoots videos with his crew drawing pictures in the air with penlights. It just goes to show what the Japanese can accomplish when they take their minds away from house-servant robots, underage girls in prep school outfits, and putting tentacles where they don't belong.
  
• Why Macs Suck: An older video, parodying the Mac ads of the time, talks about why Macs suck. What can I say, I like to fan the flames of the PC-Mac conflict.
• Fox News Interviews Bill Clinton: Unlike everything else here, this isn't a comedy video, nor is it short (about 15 minutes total). It's purely here for the few readers I have that might be interested in politics and didn't see the clip when it first aired. To sum it up, Clinton basically takes his interviewer to task for "ambushing" him concerning his handling of bin Laden while in office, then outlines everything his administration did before leaving office. It's cool to see him speak his mind and speak frankly, and it makes me long for the halcion days when we actually had an eloquent Commander in Chief.

AUDIO

• Billy West Interview: Billy West, the prolific voice actor known most-recently for his work as Fry, Dr. Zoidberg, and many others on Futurama, was recently interviewed by KMOX/St. Louis's Paul Harris about returning to his characters in Futurama and the trend of Hollywood actors being chosen to voice characters instead of more talented VO professionals. You know, me and Billy are in talks to bring Dr. Katonian to television. He expressed keen interest in voicing the character. Well, at least he did in my daydreams, and that sketch in my yellow pad entitled "Me + Billy = BFF".
  

I picked up Weird Al's Straight Outta Lynwood album the other day and I'm enjoying it. If you are a Weird Al fan, I can recommend it. Incidentally, Al apparently has a crappy record deal with respect to iTunes sales, and has said that he personally gets more income if you buy the CD rather than buy it online, but in the same post said that you should buy whatever makes most sense for you.

Here's the tracklisting for Straight Outta Lynwood

1. White & Nerdy (parody of "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire feat. Krayzie Bone.
2. Pancreas
3. Canadian Idiot (parody of "American Idiot" by Greenday)
4. I'll Sue Ya
5. Polkarama (includes references to "Let's Get it Started" [The Black Eyed Peas], "Take Me Out" [Franz Ferdinand], "Beverly Hills" [Weezer], "Speed of Sound" [Coldplay], "Float On" [Modest Mouse], "Feel Good Inc." [Gorillaz], "Don't Cha" [Pussycat Dolls], "Somebody Told Me" [The Killers], "Slither" [Velvet Revolver], "Candy Shop" [50 Cent], "Drop It Like It's Hot" [Snoop Dogg], "Pon De Replay" [Rihanna], and "Gold Digger" [Kanye West])
6. Virus Alert
7. Confession Part III (parody of "Confessions Part II" by Usher)
8. Weasel Stomping Day
9. Close But No Cigar
10. Do I Creep You Out (parody of "Do I Make You Proud" by Taylor Hicks)
11. Trapped In The Drive Thru (parody of "Trapped In The Closet" by R. Kelly)
12. Don't Download This Song

The CD comes as a DualDisc with one side containing the entire CD and the other a DVD with 5.1 and instrumental/Karaoke versions of all the songs, along with animated videos for his six original songs on the album and a brief "making of" video showing Al and his musicians in the studio recording.

Unfortunately, none of the videos for his parody songs are included, which is disappointing. But, you can catch the highly amusing video for White & Nerdy (my personal anthem) on the InterWebs. And, in case you are into the whole hip-hop scene, you can check out the source material as well, the video for Chamillionaire's "Ridin'" (mildly NSFW: language). Replacing Krayzie Bone with Donny Osmond is, I've gotta say, comic genius.

Incidentally, Chamillionaire doesn't know the difference between a PlayStation controller and an Xbox one, but I'm just being nitpicky.

Also, Weird Al did a parody of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" entitled "You're Pitiful". Apparently James Blunt okayed the parody but his record label decided that they didn't want Weird Al to release it on his album. Al said that he could have gone ahead with it, but it would have put Blunt at odds with his own label as well as causing friction between them and Al's. So, instead, he released it for free on the web! You can download "You're Pitiful" at any number of websites.

A tech opinion piece today. I used up all my "funny-making" earlier this week. Bear with me, it'll be short.

It has been rumored in several places (I'm not going to even bother to link, you can search or look on Digg) that Google is either in talks or has already bought YouTube. Does anyone else think this spells the end of everyone's favorite video site as we know it?

Certainly I wouldn't begrudge the creators of YouTube for selling. If I was in their place, I would take the money and run, especially considering their whopping bandwidth bills each month. But it seems to me that purchase of the site by any large and legitimate business means the end of what we love most about YouTube.

I am, of course, referring to all the ("illegal") copyrighted material.

For the most part I visit YouTube to watch video clips of television shows, movies, music videos, etc. that some intrepid individual has uploaded for the good of all. There is certainly some interesting homebrew content there as well, and I think it is great that there is a place were people can easily contribute it, but it's not the main reason I'm at the site. I want to catch clips from the other day's Daily Show that I missed, or Weird Al's White and Nerdy video. That other stuff is great and all, but then, a lot of it isn't.

The question has been raised, "Well, why hasn't YouTube been sued out of existence by the copyright holders?" It could be for any number of reasons (maybe these folks are starting to realize that free advertising is a good thing) but the best reason was offered by one of the members of the Buzz Out Loud crew: They aren't worth anything. Until YouTube makes some money, they aren't worth suing for damages.

What this means, of course, is that if someone big like Google steps in, they are immediately in the crosshairs of the many corporate lawyers who keep an eye on such things. Since Google doesn't want to be sued for infringement, they would naturally go in and thoroughly remove copyrighted material from YouTube (as well as likely enacting a system to prevent such content from appearing there in the future). At least that is my guess--I don't know much about how they run their own video site (which is arguably much less popular) so I can't speak for certain.

I always assumed that YouTube's days were numbered, anyway. I think eventually they will go the way of Napster, and site traffic will dwindle until it's closed altogether. And since Google already has a video site, what would they want with another one, other than to shut it down or fold it into their existing architecture.

Of course, what the hell do I know, I'm just a computer guy from Ohio.

Then again, I would even be writing this post if we were to get rid of the DMCA, fix our broken copyright laws, and force entertainment companies to realize that without us they are nothing and that they need to abandon their old business models and get with the times.