About three months ago Comedy Central aired an episode of South Park called "Free Willzyx". In the episode the boys steal a whale from the local Sea World knockoff, having been tricked by two show staffers into believing the whale can talk and is from the moon. The staffers, feeling guilty for the prank and fearing any repercussions that might result if someone found out, set off in search of the boys. They go from house to house with a sketch of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, trying to track them down. At one point, there is a closeup of the sketch, which ironically doesn't show them as cartoon characters but rather as real-live boys.

The effect is both amusing and perhaps a little unsettling, I'm not sure why.

When I saw it, I knew I wanted to share it with anyone who didn't happen to catch it. The episode sat on my TiVo for awhile until I finally got around to transferring it to my PC and frame-grabbing the image. See for yourself, it's kinda eerie.

Tags: South Park

Oh, woe is me!

During my lunch hour I strove to consume the Nectar of the Gods as I mentioned just a few hours ago. I even convinced a coworker to imbibe and enjoy the sweet sap of the Shamrock Tree. And then it hit me like a shilelagh.

"I'm sorry sir, we're out of Shamrock Shakes."

NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Tags: Disappointment, Life, McDonald's, Shamrock Shake

Shamrock Shake season is officially in full effect.

Aww, hells yea!

Saturday night, upon hearing rumors that the mythical shake was back in production, I ventured to the Golden Arches to make a late night shake run. There were three of us in the car, and we had a powerful thirst for The Green.

Kato: I'd like three large Shamrock Shakes, please.
Drive Thru: How many?
Kato: You heard me, bitch. Gimme my three muthafuckin' shakes or we're gonna have to get into some gangsta shit!
Drive Thru: Would you like fries with that?
Kato: No, but thank you for asking.

That's more or less how it went down. Perhaps there was less cussing.

For international readers and hillbillies who might not be familiar with such a product, the Shamrock Shake is a delicious green mint milkshake available at McDonald's fast food restaurants (see their ad in "Supersize Me") during the month of March. It is a tenuous tie-in with St. Patrick's Day (March 17th), a holiday that celebrates, shit, I dunno, the prevelance of alcoholism in certain ethnic groups, or something like that. It's uncertain as to what the Shamrock Shake is actually made of, some speculate that it comes from a magical Shamrock Tree that is tapped for its delicious sap, others say it contains the lips of damned Irishmen who have kissed the Blarney Stone. As for me, I think it's probably vanilla ice cream with green food coloring and artificial mint flavoring. Oh, and the soul of a virgin Leprechaun lass.

I'ma have about a thousand of these before the end of March. Diabetes, here I come!

Tags: Humor, Life, McDonald's, Shamrock Shake

Abe Vigoda turned 85 today! Keep up that livin', Abe!

And how did I know this random fact, you ask? Let's just say a little Fox told me.











Tags: Abe Vigoda, Random

I just thought I heard someone at work say this: "I had a fallatious time trying to get it to work."

Turns out he said "Hellacious".

Guess Johnson from Vascular Routing got promoted to Day Shift Manager of my brain.




Tags: Overheard, Random

The Internet is worth every penny, I tell you. I can be minding my own business and without even trying stumble across a gem of comedy, many times unintentional in nature. Today, through some inscrutable series of Google results and link-hopping, I stumbled across a priceless book review on Amazon. For whatever reason, maybe because I'm still messed up from my hospital visit, or because I have a warped sense of humor, or just because I'm an evil person, I found the last section particularly funny. Here is an excerpt from a review of The Lord of the Rings: Weapons and Warfare (a book I happen to own):

THE WITCH-KING RULES!! The only reason he died is because he got stabbed in the face!!! Eowen [sic] wouldn't be that brave in real life, her being not even six feet and the Witch-king being over 8 feet tall, with a flail head as big as her torso and a sword taller than her!!! Y'ALL KNOW IT!!!!!!

Ah, yes, the Nazgûl's little-known weakness: being stabbed in the face. Now, I can't attest to whether or not Eowyn would be that brave in real life, but she'd certainly be that hot.

In all fairness, the above was marked as "A Kid's Review". Does that make me a bad person for laughing? Perhaps. Does it make it any less funny? Nope.

Besides, the Witch King did, after all, rule.

Some time ago I was watching late night television and stumbled across an unusual infomercial. Late night TV tends to make me pensive. I really couldn't tell you what the infomercial was about, and it doesn't matter. What's important is what was said during the brief period of time this commercial-posing-as-a-behind-the-scenes-look-at-Hollywood was playing.

An interview was being conducted with a buxom blond in her thirties. It should be noted that although she certainly had a curvaceous body, her face was, at least to me, somewhat unappealing. As it turns out, her face isn't all that important in her career--she's a body double.

During her "interview" she made one of the more ludicrous claims about her job (and talents) that I've ever heard anyone make. Paraphrasing:

"Sometimes my job is very difficult. When I do a scene, I have to figure out what the character is feeling at the time. If she's excited, or scared, or nervous, I have to show that... through my body. It's a real challenge."

You show your naughty bits on camera for money. The most challenging part of your job is staying awake... hiding your implant scars... spelling your name correctly when you sign for your paycheck. Your resume is a dirty Polaroid with your measurements written in Sharpie on the front and a note on the back reading: "The carpet matches the drapes". Your screen test involved taking your top off and asking nearby teamsters, "Do these look like Meg Ryan's tits?" This is too easy, I could go on like this all day.

Needless to say, it was good fodder. I only wish I had thought to TiVo it so I might share the clip with you fine folks. Oh well, you'll have to take my word for it.

At this point, everyone knows that Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious. If you didn't, you clearly haven't had Internet access for the past couple of months. A good pal of mine recently made me aware of the Midwest response to SNL's "Lazy Sunday". Called, "Lazy Muncie", Chris Cox and Kirby Heyborne step up and totally represent the M-W with their rap about Muncie, Indiana, to the beat of N.W.A's 1988 classic, "Straight Outta Compton". You can watch it at their website, LazyMuncie.com, at ifilm, or just Google it for Heaven's sake.
Tags: Comedy, Lazy Muncie, Lazy Sunday, Link, Parody, Video

A year ago I read an article about a man dying from a sherry enema. It was the kind of incredible story that begged, "Please, sir, share me with the world, your witty commentary on my ludicrous situation shall delight the masses." And so, with a little encouragement from my friend Phoenix, I started WITFITS. Oh, man, I'm getting all choked up. Don't cry, Kato, do not let them see you cry. Focus. Focus.

Ahem.

A year, and seven readers later, WITFITS it still going strong. I just wanted to thank everyone who has followed my perverse ramblings over the past 366 days. I've seen fire, and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen a cease and desist order from the estate of James Taylor. You get the picture.

In celebration of WITFITS' first birthday (anniversary?), I invite everyone out there who hides in the shadows and doesn't comment to de-lurk and say hello, just this once. Show yourselves, oh humble WITFITS, for without you I would be nothing. Well, other than a guy who keeps a website for his own amusement.

Also in honor of this joyous occasion, I thought I'd post link to some of the more memorable WITFITS entries from the past year. Hope you enjoy, and thank you all for your support!

• 5ives - It's a stolen bit, but a good one nonetheless.
  
• Konammunist Revolution - Kato + DDR = Casualties.
• The McDonald's Trilogy: Part 2 and Part 3 - Would you like fries with that?
• Ladies Love Cool Kato - In my head, I'm quite the ladies man.
• What was in that burrito? - The first glimpse inside my head. See also: What was in that chalupa?, What's he building in there?, The truth reveals only further questions, Of Frozen Food and Renaissance Art, DRM'ing Kato's Brain.
  
• I don't work here - I don't like meetings. There, I said it.
• I Blog, Therefore I Am - I'm a comment whore.
• Neologisms - I make up words. Some of them are even funny.
• Right Said Fred - The story of how I met my (now deceased) houseplant, Fred.
• It works on adults, too - Marketing is evil. Unless I get something cool from it.
• Crouching Scarlet, Hidden Chair Rail - First appearance of Miss Scarlet. See also: Size Matters, Here's to you, Jock Geek.
  
• Horny pills - $2.99/dose - I write back to a spammer to enquire about his amazing horny pills.
• Pope Fever - Catch it!
• Modern Day Scopes Monkey Trial - I take the opportunity to vent about Creationism.
• Ruination by my own hands - First appearance of Dr. Katonian, evil genius and criminal mastermind. See also: Dr. Katonian's Latest Evil Scheme, A Pox on Archimedes and his "Death Ray"
  
• Do you need help finding anything? - First in a series of posts about the wacky things people type into search engines that land them here. See also: Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
  
• Take 'em to church and Testify! - Fun with church signs.
• Has your PC suddenly become very slow? - I overreact to an e-mail and freak out about possible spyware destroying my machine.
• Of rock hard abs and Shower Knob Gnomes - I daydream about being a muscley super-stud and ponder the existence of gnomes who tinker with my shower settings.
• Vader's dirty mind - 21 questions with Darth Vader. I was thinking of the word penis.
• Bring out your dead - Fun with gravestones!
• CompUSA is a dirty whore - It is.
• You saw nothing - Be careful what you browse for at work.
• Wanna buy a duck? - Kato vs. Door-to-door Salesman. Guess who wins?
• "Hello, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss..." - I receive a strange text message.
• In wake of the disaster - My thoughts on Hurricane Katrina, a serious post for a change.
• 01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 - Get it?
• Über Geek gets nasty rumor off chest in blog - They're real, and they're spectacular.
• Dig 'Em - The Honey Smacks frog jacks some sucka for his ride.
• Enthusiasma - People you'd prefer not to be overly enthusiastic about their jobs.
• "I have a dream..." - Serious reflections on Martin Luther King Day.
  
• Regret strikes at unexpected times - I ponder pudding.
• I'm cute when I'm flustered - Freudian slips are funny.
  
• Web logger expects to see blog in Blogs of Note any day now - The Onion ain't got shit on me.
• The Scent of Her Sweet Perfume - I celebrate Valentine's Day with a tale of unrequited love.
• WITFITS turns one! - Crap, I'm stuck in a recursion loop!

Tags: Humor

WITFITS has been a little quiet the last week due in part to the fact that I haven't been feeling well (culminating in a brief stay in the hospital, a story which I may share when I get around to documenting it). To make up for it I thought I'd share a variety of links to random goodness found on this great InterWeb of ours. Enjoy, hopefully I won't be out of it for too long.

• Man tries to sue priest for claiming Jesus existed (Reuters)
• Garfield is an oddly surrealist comic if you remove all of his speech bubbles. (Penny-Arcade forums take).
• Video of a real Transformer about the size of a large RC toy.
• Free Robot Sex. WTF?
• "If Canadians Ruled" Worth 1000 Photoshop contest.
• "Hitachi Hard-Drive Project - Noriko Version", music made by sampling the sounds of a dying hard-drive (other entries).
• Video of a bunch of car crashes in a tunnel. Yes, the music sucks.
• Found in Korea: "Brack Power" condoms. "Piece! Respect" (BoingBoing)
• Pictures taken using "tilt-shift photography" that make real scenes look like small-scale models. More here.
• James Lipton reciting the lyrics to K-Fed's abysmal debut single, "Popozao", on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. And here's a video of Mr. Spears jamming to his own crappy song in the studio. That's fire.
  
• Star Wars Valentines by the SomethingAwful goons.
• "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" Valentines.

Tags: Links, Photos, Videos

Today is Charles Darwin's birthday! I wonder if his friends called him Chuck D? He did after all fight the power, fight the powers that be.








Tags: Charles Darwin