The other night while watching television, I came across one of the more horrendous commercials to grace my optic nerves in the past five years. It was so bad, in fact, that I took the time to transfer the entire recording from my TiVo, convert it to a non-DRM'ed format, edit it down to just the commercial, and upload it to YouTube. I just had to share it with the rest of the world. The ad is for a local sub joint named Mr. Hero.

And now, bear witness to this absolutely horrible Mr. Hero commercial:



I'm stunned. I enjoy a tasty Romanburger now and then and I would have thought that my monetary contributions vis-a-vis paying for said sandwich (and Waffer fries) would, at least in part, go into some fund designated for advertising. I theorized that this was the reason for charging for cheese--some type of "public awareness campaign" tax. I had assumed that there was some stipend which funded what one might call an "advertising budget" that would in turn pay trained professionals to demonstrate the tastiness of their products and the joy of the eating experience.

Clearly I was proven terribly, terribly wrong. Or perhaps it is marketing genius, and my Cro-Magnon-like skull is too thick to be penetrated by its obvious message. Let's see what can we learn by analyzing the footage:

• Mr. Hero is its own television network, as indicated by the lower corner watermark.
• Hunger and/or going into labor is a sad, scary event, which is accompanied by music that is almost certainly left over from the soundtrack to some mid 80's made-for-TV movie about losing a child (or date-rape, or alcohol abuse, or asthma, or really whatever). In studio it is performed by three middle-aged accountants.
• Stressful situations often cause people to walk as if they are illuminated by a strobe light. This is the result of one's bloodstream mayonnaise count dropping dangerously low.
• Contrary to popular belief, SUVs do not require passengers to close the rear door. Their cargo is held in by a passive laser-restraint system.
• Filming a car pulling out of a driveway is one of the most expensive shots in any movie. Titanic and Waterworld both went over their budget for this very reason, with both directors vainly assuming they could film a realistic car driveway shot for under 10 million dollars. To cut costs a common film-making technique (used by everyone from Spielberg to Uwe Boll) is to simply zoom in on the car to suggest movement. The difference is imperceptible to the human eye.
• Pregnant women are advised by their doctors to never wear a seatbelt, ever, especially when riding in an SUV. The amniotic sac acts as a natural air bag.
• SUVs are built with blue screens instead of windows on which one can project a more pleasant background while driving.
• Pregnant women look the same as regular women, if those regular women are wearing a baseball umpire's chest protector.
  
• Hunger for greasy food > labor pains. Also, expecting to give birth is a real downer, a kind of funk that can only be lifted by Mr. Hero.
  
• Mr. Hero restaurants are often filled with people who are not eating but rather mouthing "rhubarb apples" and such over and over.
• Random spokespeople are only taken seriously if they are given a name. Once they have a name, their word is law.
• Nicole has no idea what to do with her hands or left leg.
  
• Even dorks who wear shirts like that get laid at least once, apparently.
  

Additionally, what genius decided that the period in the logo should look like a bleeding gunshot wound?

By the way, if you want more torture, visit Mr. Hero's website (which represents the best of the Internet... in 1996). If you view it in Internet Explorer, you are treated to a longer version of the 80's rock ballad Mr. Hero theme song. Totally awesome. I'm gonna go bash my hand with a hammer now to see if I still feel.