As 2005 comes to a close, allow me to thank everyone who stopped by WITFITS to read my random ruminations, particularly the regulars who encouraged me to continue writing through their helpful, funny, and insightful comments.

Happy New Year, everyone! May 2006 find you well!

-Kato

I was just watching a program I TiVo'd and since I'm working at the computer I let it drift into commercial (something no sane person would normally do). Since it was Comedy Central, and they only have perhaps five advertisers, a commercial came on that I'm sure we've all seen a million times. As the catchy steel drum tune played in the background, girls proceeded to "get wild" left and right, and I was struck with an interesting thought: there's a percentage of the male population who can't enjoy the Girl's Gone Wild series because, well, they are related to one of the participants.

How awkward.

Imagine Horny Joe intercepting the UPS guy so as to grab his package (not a euphamism) before his wife gets home from work. Eager to find out how wild the coeds really get, he pops in the DVD so as to grab his package (euphamism) before his wife gets home from work. A few minutes in and several bad college decisions later, Joe finds out what his sweet little Sally did during Spring Break.

Uh. Yea. There's a guy who won't be getting another erection anytime soon.

No need to thank me, your silence is thanks enough.

It's fair to say that my blogging is streaky at best. It seems that every month my readers are "treated" to two weeks of daily content and two weeks of bare-bones blogging (or B.B.B. for those of us in the biz--the Bare Bones Blogging Biz, that is, or B.B.B.B. for short). I write the same way I exercise: I'm really excited and committed to the program at first, then I slack off. After slacking I feel guilty and get myself motivated enough to once again crank out the material, only to inevitably trickle off. When things get the least bit busy, as evident by the lack of WITFITS content here in December, it becomes that much harder.

Fortunately, MC Etcher (genius that he is) has come to my rescue.

The other day he posted something marvelous over at Etch-A-Sketch Attention Span. I had never seen such a thing, but it will in no doubt change my life and the way I blog from this day forth. Even better, it appears to have been tailor made for me! I am speaking, of course, of the "Unofficial, Unendorsed, Totally Unauthorized WHAT WOULD KATO BLOG? Deluxe Topic Spinner!"

Two words: totally awesome.

I've been a chump all this time, wracking my brain trying to figure out what to write. But now that I have my What Would Kato Blog? Deluxe Topic Spinner^TM (WWKB?DTS), I am free from the shackles of indecision and doubt. Everybody wins!

Except for maybe the duck.

With all the Holiday Madness^TM going on, I almost forgot to share this gem. If you missed Saturday Night Live from a few weeks ago (hosted by Jack Black) then you missed a gem of a short. Chris Parnell and Andy Samburg rapping about going to see The Chronicles of Narnia. Awesome.

I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone out there Happy Holidays! The past few days I've been incommunicado (read: "at my folks place which only has 56k Internet access"), hence the lack of updates. As December comes to a close, and life goes back to normal, WITFITS should resume as usual.

Don't drop jumper cables on your bare foot. You wouldn't think so, but it hurts like hell.

This tip brought to you by your friends at the "Kato Is A Danger To Himself And Others" Society.

There are two things in this world that I can't help but love: Rap music, and jelly donuts. Finally, after all these years, someone has put them together. I am speechless.

I found out about Jelly D, the Jelly Donut rapper, via Boing Boing last week. Watch him battle all takers in this video of a purported Oakland freestyle rap competition. Stellar.

Incidentally, more women should wear bikinis made of hundred dollar bills.

This rapper-with-a-tasty-fruit-filling is played by Andrew Bancroft, a member of the San Fransisco based sketch comedy group Killing My Lobster. You can also see his MC skills in the music video for his track, "Maximum Wage", an amusing lampoon of rap music and music videos in general.

"Your girlfriend wants some lovin' / You come once, and I come by the dozen" - Jelly D

People you'd prefer not to be overly enthusiastic about their jobs:

1. IRS Auditor
2. Suicide Bomber
3. Airport Duty Clerk
4. Mime
5. Sperm Donor
6. Carrot Top
7. Door to Door Knife Salesman
8. Door to Door Evangelist
9. Salvation Army Bell Ringer
10. Gynecologist
11. Proctologist

I just spilled pop on my shirt while taking a sip from my delicious Cherry Coke. That's all I need right now: rumors spreading that I'm lactating.

A transcript of a conversation I was involved in the other day:

Kato: Hey, Jill, how you doin'?
Jill: Not too bad. How are you?
Kato: Oh, pretty good. How are you?
Jill: Oh, I can't complain...

Yea, you read that correctly: I asked her how she was doing twice. It is so ingrained in me to politely ask someone else how they are after they've asked me that I will do so even if I was the one to start the conversation. Also, and Miss Scarlet will attest to this, my stock answer is "Oh, pretty good", which is said almost the same way each time, with little or no pause after the "oh" and a sort of sing-songy delivery with a slight elongation of the last word. I picked it up from my dad, which makes our phone conversations feel a little like we're each talking to a parrot:

Kato: Hey, Dad, how are you?
Kato, Sr.: Oh, pretty good. You?
Kato: Oh, pretty good. You?...

I felt stupid after my verbal gaffe in the conversation with "Jill". I don't think she noticed, or if she did was too polite to point out that I had just asked her the same question twice in a row (clearly I'm a good listener). But, then again, this type of thing happens to me all the time. I tend to talk fast, with my mouth running at least twice the speed of the connection between my brain and my vocal chords. The usual result of this anatomical practical joke is that I spew sentences that sound like I've recently suffered a stroke, or, as in the case of a recent phone call, I repeat myself: "Okay, that sounds good. Talk to you later, bye. Bye."

Maybe it's time to upgrade my processor.

Anyway, other than feeling stupid, the situation described at the beginning of this post frightens me a little. We've all been in a situation where we've crossed paths with someone while walking and both parties have decided to juke the same direction in order continue on unfettered. Of course the end result is a wild stutter back and forth which, to some external viewers, probably resembles any number of mating dances common to the indigenous people of Borneo. I have always secretly feared that such an encounter could go on indefinitely, broken only by outside intervention, the collapse of the floor underneath due to wear, or the eventual death of one of the participants. So too do I now fear that I could be caught in some perpetual salutation loop from which I would not be willful enough to escape.

Thank goodness I wasn't born a twin.

Well, his moves are similar, at least. I'm talking about the fellow in the video below who clearly has an impressive amount of upper body strength and balls the size of Siberia. It runs about eight minutes in length and doesn't require speakers/headphones unless you want to listen to the soundtrack which features mostly French rap music.

Yea, I don't get it either.

The video shows some pretty impressive amateur acrobatics, from jumping spans across rooftops to scaling walls and corners barehanded. Definitely worth the watch. Oh, and no, I don't get the ending either.