Allow me to wish everyone out there in Blog-reading-land a Happy Halloween. I'm not sure why one would actually evoke that as a greeting, seeing as the day doesn't hold any specific sentiment (it's not like we're celebrating Al O. Ween's birthday or something), but I bow to tradition. Besides, it's a fun day for anyone with even one eighth of a soul and doesn't commemorate Manifest Destiny, marmotan umbrage, or insufferable loneliness. Plus, and this is a proven fact, calories from candy don't count on October 31st. I know, I know, it's a weird phenomenon, but I guarantee that it's true (guarantee assumes co-existence in an alternate dimension where candy is made from dust).

Tags: Halloween

Months ago I blogged about Gary Brolsma, the 19 year old from New Jersey who became an overnight sensation when a clip of him lip syncing to a Romanian pop song circled the Internets. But now it looks like he has some competition out there hailing from the Far East.

They are known as the "Back Dorm Boys" and are students at Guangdong Arts Institute. The clip found on Google's video site shows them singing along (quite emphatically) with the Backstreet Boys hit "I Want It That Way". Between the exaggerated facial expressions, the Yao Ming jerseys, the fact that they are two Chinese guys mocking an American Boy Band, and the guy behind them who never once turns around, I was cracking up laughing. Good stuff.

A few quick Google searches revealed the information on these guys. According to at least one source, they were hired by Motorola China for a viral marketing campaign. I'm not sure if this particular video is part of that, or if it is what got them hired in the first place.

Tags: Comedy, Link, Music, Video

There are many reasons one should never surrender their domain name (or subdomain, or alias) once they've acquired it. This is perhaps one of the better reasons: Raven Riley giving a blowjob and getting a facial.

I know: WTF, Kato?

A few months ago, WITFITS friend Robin decided she was done with the whole blogging bit and deleted robin-diane.blogspot.com. Shortly thereafter--literally days, if not hours--her domain had been snatched up by someone with somewhat different tastes in web content. Instead of her charming title ("Chalk Sidewalk" in its last incarnation), visitors were greeting with the slighty-less-charming phrase I listed above.

It was clear to me right away that this was no longer the site of sweet little Robin. Although I obviously don't know her well enough to be completely sure, I was relatively certain that she wouldn't suddenly change her blog name to contain not one but two references to fellatio.

At least not while sober.

The links didn't seem to be quite up her alley, either. Though I could be wrong, she doesn't seem like the type to have a thing for brunettes with pierced nipples and, what may be the worst euphemism I've ever heard (God help us): "meatholes".

The writing style too, seemed off. She's a little too eloquent to use the phrase "Had to install some whack library shits" (for those keeping score, that's -1 point for the sentence fragment, -2 using the word "whack" and an additional -1 for misspelling it, and -1 for inappropriately pluralizing "shit"). Also, I just can't hear her saying "I was gonna transfect my cells today but I plated them in antibiotic media yesterday, so I can't. I have six extra plates of cells, so I guess I'll just stain em, and since i have the microscope reserved for tomorrow, I can take micrographs of that and beads and other good shit." I mean, if she had a microscope, I think we'd have heard about it by now.

Needless to say I shot her off an e-mail at the time to let her know a pr0n-minded individual had scooped up her name. She took it better than I imagined she would. I believe her response was, "That's awesome".

I have to give the new author a small (very small) bit of credit for their creative attempt at making it look like a real blog. The one post reads somewhat normal, if schizophrenic, and has two oddly place links within to sites of dubious wholesomeness. I did some quick Googling and found that the post is actually lifted from three journal entries from 2001 by a then 16 year old blogger.

Had me fooled for a moment. Your use of real journal text was totally an effective ruse. I couldn't tell you were just trying to increase traffic to your porn sites--those links were imperceptible when mixed with the ramblings of a teenager, especially the one with "gangbang" in it. Bravo.

Robin has since rejoined the community (you know what they say, once you go blog you never go back) and you can read her once again at r-d-g.blogspot.com. But let this be a lesson to you all: hold on to your url like Grim Death. Can you imagine what could happen? Paulius replaced with "Tea & Crumpet Tarts" (and Sunny's companion "Hot Bod Blokes" site). Cindy with "Bookstore Beauties" and Etcher with about twenty interlinking sites replete with erotic fiction (Vittra too, but it would be read with an Aussie accent). Kthrne with erotic Star Trek art (not much of a stretch there) and a sexy cartoon called "The Mouthless Flesh Humper". OzzyC's blog would now feature "Hot Newlywed Videos", Rory's would be a "Nude Ladies of Wrestling" page, and Jege's multi-member blog an orgy site. Misfit and Heather, of course, would both be replaced by M.I.L.F. adventures. If the blogless had pages, and abandoned them, I bet we'd see equally strange stuff there. The Proprieter's would be replaced with some kind of orphan porn which would be both creepy and depressing. Witty & Wicked's would become perhaps a bondage site. And last but not least, Phoenix would make way, I'm sure, to "BBQ Divas" featuring lovely ladies covered in a delicious smokey honey sauce.

As for WITFITS... Nerdcore Porn.

Come to think of it, that all doesn't sound too bad.

Tags: Adult, Blogging, Humor, Porn

The other night I started what is, in my world, an epic cleaning project. I live in a one-bedroom apartment that is neither large nor small, and though it suits my needs just fine, I have still somehow managed to run out of room. Of course, the reason is simple: as time goes by, we humans acquire and accumulate "stuff", and this stuff expands and multiplies until it fills every nook and cranny of available space (like the Ideal Gas or Delta Burke). Sufficiently unhappy with my inability to find a place to put anything new in my living space, and facing a bedroom closet reminiscent of that of Ross and Monica's Nana on Friends, I decided to go through my things and consolidate or get rid of anything not worth keeping.

I did manage to make some headway and eliminated what amounted to two trash bags worth of worthless stuff, items that should have been thrown out long ago, if not shortly after they passed through the front door: boxes from hardware purchases, bank and credit card records from several years ago, price quotes from other apartment complexes, and all of my pay stubs from my first two jobs during college. For those that were wondering, minimum wage (in Ohio) was $5.75 in 1997. If I had to guess, I'd say the price of gas was around 90 cents/gallon. Good times.

In my rummaging I came across a poem I wrote around that time that I had submitted to some poetry website. Yes, you heard me, a poem. For awhile in college I wrote poetry, mostly stream of consciousness verse revolving around generic angst, hopeless idealism, or inflated ideals of romance and the attainment of some perfect love. Which is not to say I feel any differently today, I just haven't written it down in a few years. I submitted a few times to the campus literary journal, but those snobs wouldn't know good writing if it cast open its lurid maw and seized them upon their most tender of fundaments.

In response to my poem I received a letter from the website informing me that I was one of the chosen few to have my piece selected to be printed in a bound anthology. This handsome tribute to my work could be purchased from them for a "nominal" fee and would stand as a testament to my abilities for years to come. Needless to say I didn't fall for the marketing ploy, but I kept the letter, which also contained a copy of the poem. The original was, I believe, lost in a hard drive crash a few years back. Since I stumbled across it, I thought I might as well share with the group. Here's a peek into my mind five or six years ago:

The Nature of Longing

Longing.
Palpable as the pulse of a beating heart,
deep as the soul that possesses it,
potent as the fire that first ignited it.
Among the sorrows, it is king,
feigning ignorance of the untouchable.
It mingles with joys and plays compatriot
taking the guise of an innocent aching.
In reality, it pulls the strings on which its fellows dance.
But simple observations unjustly condemn it.
True is the heart that longs for its mate
and true is the ache that colors its eyes.
Suffering so sweet, life in the bliss of remembrances.
The fire of desires its brother,
the lust of passion its mate,
the sweetness of simple honest love its mentor,
longing endures.

Not exactly Robert Frost, is it?

Incidentally, I have yet to complete my massive cleaning project known officially as the Mammoth Exodus of Surplus Stuff. It's a lot like the Big Dig in Boston: in the end it will cost several billion dollars and likely take around two decades to complete. As of right now, the excavation processes has resulted in the majority of material spilling over into the bedroom and living room areas, resulting in noticeable traffic problems, particularly along the bed-to-dresser routes.

Local residents have been advised to set out clothing ahead of time in order to avoid rush hour headaches.

Tags: Life, Poetry

I just saw one of Intel's new television ads. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard this:

"Want incredible entertainment experiences in your lap?"

YES! YES! DEAR GOD, YES!

Needless to say I was horribly disappointed to find out it was an ad for a laptop computer.

Stupid thinly veiled sexual references.

Tags: Advertising, Humor, Intel, Random

Most of you I'm sure saw the smash hit 2000 film Finding Forrester starring Sean Connery. No? You didn't? Well, neither did I to be honest, but I bet all of you remember the infamous line that was uttered by the once 007 in the trailer for the movie: "You're the man now, dog!"

Mr. Connery at his finest.

In 2001, a man by the name of Max Goldberg created a website called yourethemannowdog.com consisting solely of a tiled image of Sean Connery and a looped recording of that line from the movie. Fast forward four years and you'll find yourself faced with the Internet phenomenon known as YTMND.

YTMND (You're The Man Now Dog) is a site which facilitates users in creating very simple webpages based on a standard theme: background image (usually tiled and/or animated), some 3D-ish text, and an audio clip. These sites almost always play on a running gag and are usually parodies or alternative takes on earlier YTMNDs. Strange, I know, but that's what makes the Internet so wonderful.

That and the acres upon acres of pornography.

As a service to you, I've compiled a list of many of these that I deemed worthy of viewing. The list is somewhat large but remember that these are basically one shot jokes, so you won't spend more than a few seconds at any given site. It's kinda like the web equivalent of The Family Circus, only in full color, with sound, sometimes animation, and way less crappy. Come to think of it, it's nothing like The Family Circus, I just wanted to take a cheap shot at Bil Keane.

Some of the gags rely on the audio being synchronized with an animation so you may have to hit refresh on your browser once everything has loaded. Hey, don't bitch at me, I didn't make them. Also, several are not exactly work safe (language), so I've marked them with NWS. You've been warned. Some have been categorized by theme. Without further ado... YTMND.

SNL Night At the Roxbury:

• What is love!?
• What is Goth?
• What is NES love?
• What is Half-Life?
• What is Jedi Academy Love?
• What doth love be?
• What is 88 mph?
• What Is SLAM!?
• What is Star Wars?
• What is Bob Ross
• What is Tiger?!
• What is Qbasic?

Conan O'Brien:

• Conan is... AN ALLIGATOR
• Conan is... A HARDCORE GAMER!
• Conan is... A TRANSISTOR
• Conan is... A TIGER HANDHELD

"Still" by Geto Boys (think: the song from the scene in Office Space where they destroy the printer):

• DIE MOTHER f*ckERS (NWS)
• CATS: Die Motherf*ckers!! (NWS)
• die mutha f*ckas (NWS)
• MR. T IS EGYPTIAN (NWS)

Darth Vader's cry at the end of Episode 3:

• NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
• D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!
• NOOOller Coaster
• Final Answer: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
• Vader on Wheel of Fortune
• The Knights who say NOOOOOO!!!
• Bohemian Vader
• Vader's NO Dance
• Vader joins Destiny's Child

Jeopardy:

• What is a ho?
• 1337 Jeopardy

Milton from Office Space:

• I believe you have my A-Ha?
• I want to believe...

"Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg:

• Snoop doing it Navy style (NWS)
• snoop doing it old school, REAL old school (NWS)
• Snoop does it to a lesser old school (NWS)
• Snoop doing it Super Mario Style (NWS)

Girls who look the same in every photo:

• Always The Same Face!!
• Another girl who doesn't change facial expressions
• Another girl with the same facial expression that doesn't change!?

Trippy/Cool tiled images:

• Image by thirsty, b3ta.com
• Image by Magigale, b3ta.com
• Image by Abduction, b3ta.com
• Look i Stole this from b3ta before You did
• :0

"Move Bitch" by Ludacris

• Move Bitch! (NWS)
• Picard - Move Bitch (NWS)

Everything else:

• A Cask of Amontillado
• Adorable Picard
• All Your Base Are Belong To Us - Calvin and Hobbes
• Batman: ualuealuealeuale
• Finnish DuckTales!
• Indiana Jones Can't Stop the Rock
• Lock the Taskbah!
• Michael Moore is too easy to make fun of
• Mike Jones Mike Jones
• Peewee is Ridin' Spinnaz
• Picard Song
• Professor X had ONE weakness!
• Roll Fizzlebeef
• Sim City Katrina New Orleans
• Smiley Face Works It!!!
• What the hell is Wolf Blitzer saying?
• F*CK YEAH Roll Call (NWS)
• Get Back (President Bush) (NWS)
• lady vs RC (NWS)
• Optimus Prime Likes Boobies (NWS)
• Paris Hilton Sex Clip

If you want to know more about the fads in YTMND, check out this WikiPedia article.

Tags: Humor, Meme, Links

This morning while enjoying a bowl of Kellog's Honey Smacks, I noticed a full page comic on the back of the cereal box. It detailed a misadventure of Dig 'Em, the Honey Smacks frog mascot, who accidentally smashes a car window while playing street hockey. It's so delightfully bad I just had to parody it. Check out my remixed version, "Dig 'Em Days: The Jacking", which reveals the true nature of the corporate amphibian. I have also posted the original for posterity.

Frog Life, baby!

Tags: Cereal, Humor

You all know the drill by now. Let's see what the log files are saying...

adam sessler - ...is one lucky son of a bitch.

albino wooly bear caterpillar - I was pretty certain I had completely made up this variant of Ohio's commonly seen Fall caterpillar. But, hey, maybe it hangs out with Bigfoot in the Appalachians or something.

birthday rap
Let me try to put this in terms you can understand,
The Kato is big, but you, you're a small man,
My rhymes were written, words were spit and were well spun,
Hundreds of worldly well-wrought words when work was done
It started off small and then grew to a phenomenon
on and on, ever growing till it became an ongoing
saga of drama, in rhyme a diorama,
in time a fine biography, a modern form of augury,
But all that's good can't escape the final trend,
For all good things bow to fate and thus end.

bmx bike tricking dvds - It would be hard for me to think of a series of search terms less likely to bring you to WITFITS than this. Even four words chosen completely at random like "rhino toothbrush marzipan filament" are more likely than a query about bmx tricks. Who do I look like, Bob Haro?

bring out your dead t-shirt - My t-shirt is dead? Ahh, that's what that smell is. It's not dead, yet...

Bynar text converter - 01001110 01100101 01110010 01100100 00101110

+"cascading style sheets suck" - There, there, it's okay, we'll get through this together. What's with the leading plus sign, are you using reverse Polish notation or something?

chloroformed bikinis - Give it up, people.

chloroformed clips - I'm not kidding.

chloroformed truck driver - La, la, la, I'm not listening!

chloroformed video - Geeze, you people are depraved. Stop clicking on WITFITS, you're really, really, barking up the wrong tree here. I don't know anything about chloroform. What's that? What rag? Oh, the one I have here by my desk? Oh, it's nothing, it just has a sample of my favorite perfume splashed on it. Here, want to smell it? I'm thinking of implementing a scracth-n-sniff version of the blog for people who stumble across it accidentally...

"Creepy Old Pedophile" Herbert +"family guy" sound clip - Why would anyone want a sound clip of Herbert, he is, as the query itself states, a creepy old pedophile. Besides, the greased-up deaf guy is funnier.

dating military men - ...brings new meaning to the phrase "serving our country"?

definition kato technique - First, take it out. Chances are it will be stiff (especially when you first wake up), so you might want to take some time rubbing it down first. It's sensitive, so be gentle, and don't try bending it too far, you might hurt something. You're going to want to protect yourself by covering it up before you get to work. Get out whatever is appropriate for the occasion and start at the tip, slowly unrolling until you've covered the whole thing. It's pretty hard to cover it up wrong, though you should make sure you haven't turned it inside out. Once that's taken care of you can pretty much put it wherever you want without worry. And that's how you put on a sock in the morning.

examples of neologisms - Okay, I'll throw you a bone. serendippingsauce: A fortuitous event involving reaching into one's McDonald's bag and finding they have given you not one but two containers of Sweet and Sour for your McNuggets.

"Feelin' hot hot hot, yes" - Begone, Buster Poindexter, or I shall be forced to destroy you!

flying spaghetti monster buddy icon - Ooh, does such a thing exist? Why yes, it does:


groinal response - Wouldn't it suck if "groinal response" was something doctors checked during routine physicals by using that tomahawk-shaped reflex hammer to wail on your crotch?

G,UCH{ZBSS3{OS{SE469LG.gif - Indeed. Well, uh, H.VDI(ACTT4(PT(TF570MH.jpg right back at ya.

hi jinks.com - Hey, no free advertising.

i saw a ghost in hocking hills - Naw, dude, that was me. I'm a computer guy, we're always this pasty white.

is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch t-shirt - Possibly the best t-shirt evar, if it existed.

"Kanye West" and "jackass" - Roca-Fella Rapper Kanye West teams up with the ever unpredictable Steve-O and they take the country by storm with their wild antics! Watch in horror and awe as Kanye accuses various government officials of being racist while Steveo-O staples his scrotum to his leg. Entertainment at its finest.

KATO - Yay, you found me!

kato sellers - I advise you to only purchase your Crazy Funtime Happy Joy Action Kato (the Home Version) at certified retailers. Accept no imitations!

"LITTLE APRIL" - Yes, it's true, I once went by the stage name "Little April". But I needed the money to pay for college.

little hercules strongest boys - Hmm, sounds like an idea for a television show pitched with the line "Think 'Our Gang', but replace childish naivety with raisin-sized testes and 'roid rage."

methadone