In a previous post, I shared with you fine people some of the very odd search terms that have led InterWeb surfers to this assault on the English language I call WITFITS. As I explained before, when someone looks up terms in a search engine and then clicks on one of the links returned, that search string is often passed along to the website being linked to. Thus, with a site statistic tracking service, I can actually find out what searches brought visitors here. In what is sure to become a repeated feature, here are more odd search terms and comments by yours truly.

chillin never illin mouth two fillins - Sounds like part of a tag line for a hip-hop dental office. "Uh, yea, name's Kato, I'm lookin' to accessorize up my grille. Gold is played and platinum is on its way out. I wanna glow. How about hookin' me up with uranium?" Actually, I believe this person is quoting the Young MC song, "Know How" off the Stone Cold Rhymin' album (1989 Delicious Vinyl Records). When I referenced this line awhile back, I was almost certain there were only two other people in the world that knew it. Guess maybe there are three. Incidentally, Stone Cold Rhymin' is one of the great pop-rap albums.

sarah chalke boyfriend - Some of you may know her as Elliot on NBC's Scrubs or perhaps as Becky from the later seasons of ABC's Roseanne. I'm sorry to say that I am not, in fact, her boyfriend. But Sarah, if you're reading this, I'm single. Call me!

cartoon cardinals goosestep before Pope 2005 - Hey, is that a NAZI Pope reference? I'm not sure to what they are referring, but sounds pretty funny, doesn't it?

"the group split up" 13th june 1970 - Honestly, I don't know what you are talking about. Unless it's that whole Beatles thing again, which I've already addressed numerous times, most recently in my book entitled, "Seriously, I didn't break up the Beatles. You've got the wrong guy. I wasn't even a zygote in 1970."

sneeze expel mucus nose - That's not so much a search query as it is a very succinct description of how a sneeze works, isn't it? I mean, given those keywords, what could this person possibly have been looking for? Confirmation that they aren't the only one? Some shut-in with Internet access in North Dakota just fired out a handful of lung butter and is desperately combing the web to determine if this is normal, healthy behavior.

oversized erections cialis - Again, I don't know why things like this lead people to WITFITS. Even with the safesearch filter on, I gotta believe there are hundreds of pages that would precede my own in a list of search results, not the least of which would be the freakin' Cialis homepage. Besides, I don't advertise my over-sized erections here--you're thinking of KatoTheNudeBlogger.com, my other site.

"video of ass like that" - Although I'm sure this person intended to find Eminem's "Ass Like That" video, I have to chuckle at the fact that many guys have probably searched on the very similar: video of ass like that, which would, I think, reward you with something much more exciting than a puppetized Slim Shady. Oh, and learn how to use quote searches correctly.

"Value Menu" "I'd hit it - Word! I wanna be all up in that double cheeseburger! We gonna get freaky tonight!

saberspoon alot of red - Forgetting that there is no such word as "alot", is this person concerned that their awesome saberspoon has too much red in it? It's the freakin' Dark Side, son, they don't go with no half-assed pink or some pansy shade of salmon. No, they do it up proper, with a nice, fear-inducing blood red. It's called theatrics, look into it. Actually, they may be complaining that you are more likely to get red spoons than another color, or some such nonsense. Honestly, I don't care, since I acquired a blue one. That's right, I've conquered my fears.

powderpuff girl pez dispensers - Actually, a Powerpuff Girls pez dispenser would be pretty cool. I think I'd want a Bubbles Powerpuff Girl pez dispenser. Maybe I'll give Craig McCraken a call and see if he would agree licensing his Powerpuff Girls as delightful little disbursers of candy. Of course you'll never find out about them because you were born with a terrific inability to spell.

"the little chef" blogspot.com - My name is Kato. Not "the little chef". Ka-to. You know, like the Green Hornet's sidekick? Played by Bruce Lee? Little? Maybe. Chef? No. I haven't been this insulted since a buddy of mine referred to the main character of the Halo series as "Master Sergeant."

Swenson's burgers recipe - Phoenix, did you type in this one? Seriously, why would they put their delicious burger recipe online where evil corporate types could steal it? Perhaps it was wishful thinking: the idea that those perfect patties of pure heaven could be a close as your own kitchen is rather comforting. Damn, now I'm hungry.

ordering a blue saberspoon online - I'm guessing this is a follow up to the previous saberspoon inquiry. Jealous of mine? You think it's gorgeous, don't you? You want to kiiiiss it. You want to daaaate it.

morgan webb wookie clip - There is no reason for me to mention this one other than the fact that I get giddy to think that Googling "Morgan Webb" and/or "wookie" will somehow bring you to WITFITS. My eternal status in Internet geekdom is nearly achieved.

"Star Wars" "fan film" destroying Jar Jar - I don't know how this person stumbled upon me, but I like their attitude. Go, find this film, and report to me immediately!

DDR Ultramix 2 dancer hair color - And why should I know anything about that? I mean, it's not like I'm going home today to dance to my 100th song to unlock "In My Eyes (the midihead remix)". Uhh, I've said too much.

knock-out mouse adventage - I don't know that there is any advantage (or adventage as you Canadians might say) to knocking out a mouse. I suppose it is less cruel than a mousetrap. Oh, maybe you want to knock some out using a mouse, like a blackjack or billy club. Yes, I can see how swinging it by the tail would make it a good choice for quietly subduing an individual. You could also dip the mouse in chloroform and hold it over their mouth and nose, that should do the trick. I still don't know what the advantage is, other than a delightful little squeak every time you hit someone with it.

msn eazy-e moving emotions - Yes, Eazy-E did have many moving emotions. Emotions like love ("a brother that'll smother your mother, and make your sister think I love her") and compassion ("You think I give a damn about a bitch? I ain't a sucker!"). He was also a pragmatist ("I wear my pants like this for easy access, baby") and had keen observational skills ("Forty ounces in my lap and it's feezin' my balls"). Yea, Eric "Eazy-E" Wright did indeed have many moving emotions. But now he has none because he is dead.

"for sale" puppet dre eminem "ass like that" - Dude, totally buy me one, too! I don't care if the reserve hasn't been met on Ebay, I want my own Muppet Eminem!

picture of cyberman performing oral on cyber woman - All right, folks, what's the deal? I mean, really, are you putting these things into Google and then starting at the very last page before you click on a link? I hate to disappoint you but there are no pictures here of cybermen performing oral (they mean hygiene, right?) on cyberwomen. At least as far as I know. Scarlet, have you been posting raunchy pictures of your sewing dummy again?

"walton simons" -deus ex - "What an expensive mistake you turned out to be." Yea, I know, none of you got that. It's a video game thing, don't worry about it.

"Will Sasso" quits mtv - Did I black out for a few years? When was Will Sasso on MTV?

sprain +cast +video +fetish - huh +what +the +fuck? I bet this guy (c'mon, you know it was a guy) really got off on that episode of Saved By The Bell when Lisa hurt her knee and ended up creating a new dance crave at The Max in front of Casey Casem by doing "The Sprain". What, too obscure?

Codeine A cheval de troie - I was pretty sure the Trojan Horse was filled with Mycaneans, not analgesics. Still, I guess a wooden horse full of narcotics would have worked just as well. Oh, and LEARN ENGLISH, FRENCHY!

charlie brown's teacher at school speaks in muffled voiced - Another person using Google to state obvious facts. Or maybe they are just confirming they don't have a degenerative illness of the inner ear, I dunno. It seems only fair to respond with: Mwa mwa, mwa mwa mwa mwa. Oh, and we're out of Chex mix.

kung fu hustle axe replica - Maybe I should start selling movie props on WITFITS, it looks like I'd get a fair amount of business.

lyrics + "lonely, I am so lonely" - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!

paris hilton in white negligee - Do you honestly think that if I had Paris Hilton here in white negligee someplace that I would be wasting my time blogging? Oh, well, come to think of it, I probably would. But I'd get a better low-light filter on my camera, Rick Salomon, you cheap bastard.

Tags: Humor, Internet, Referrals

Nerds and mathematicians unite! Two PI Day has come again!








Tags: Geek, Pi

Seriously, though, the guy is nuts.

To a certain extent I think all big-time celebrities are a little (or a lot) crazy. Hank Hill put it best when he said, "That boy ain't right."

But perhaps you have been under a rock or on the crapper for the past couple of weeks and are asking, "But Kato, whatever do you mean? How could you say such things of the star of Magnolia? No, no I don't believe it. He also didn't divorce Nicole, they are just, you know, enjoying separate vacations." If this sounds like you, find the nearest wall or high countertop and proceed to repeatedly bang your head against it until your ears start to bleed or you black out. When you come to, I want you to watch the following video of Mr. Cruise going bonkers on Oprah (if this link doesn't work, just Google it, it's everywhere). By comparison, it won't feel as painful.

You'll thank me. I only wish someone had shown me such compassion before I was exposed to it.

I'm all for vehemently expressing your love for someone, but seriously, there is something wrong with this man. Maybe he's not so much man anymore as he is the result of genetic experiments gone totally wrong. Maybe our government was tired of funding Canada's Weapon X Project and felt we could do better than those beaver-lovin' Canucks. A young Thomas Cruise Mapother IV was recruited, possibly against his will, and experimented upon by a super secret branch of the U.S. military. In an attempt to strengthen his frail human form his genetic code was infused with a variety of near-human DNA in the hopes that it would give him strength and agility rivaling the great apes. Unfortunately, it has caused his brain to shrink, reverting to a more primitive state, which has left him susceptible to easy manipulation by pyramid scheme cults. He is now more simian than man. Twisted and craving bananas. It would explain his behavior on Oprah, though. Fortunately they didn't air the part where he was flinging his own feces. Gross, man.

And now he's dragged poor, innocent Katie Holmes into his shadowy den of alien worship. Before the end she will suffer most from Cruise's actions. She's the real life equivalent of Goose from Top Gun, only much hotter. Of course, if I met Tom Cruise in real life, I wouldn't have the guts to tell him he is crazy to his face. No, I'd probably just run up and squirt him with a water pistol. Cause, you know, that's hilarious. At least, maybe, to the British.

Also, it seems apparent that the little censor guy in Tom's head (the one we all have who is supposed to stop of from making us sound like we're retarded) has gone on vacation with most of the rest of his brain.

What Tom hears:
Some people suffer clinical depression and require medication to balance the neurochemicals in their brains.

What Tom thinks:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. I'm half-crazy, all for the love of you....

What Tom says:
DRUGS BAD! VITAMINS GOOOOOOD! RAARRRRR!

Perhaps I'm exaggerating, but that's the impression he gave when he talked to Matt Lauer on the Today show. As relayed by Yahoo news:

When Lauer mentioned Cruise's earlier criticism of Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants, Cruise told the "Today" show co-host he didn't know what he was talking about.

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do," Cruise said.

The interview became more heated when Lauer, who said he knew people who had been helped by the attention-deficit disorder drug Ritalin, asked Cruise about the effects of the drug.

"Matt, Matt, you don't even you're glib," Cruise responded. "You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done."

Check please.

But at least all of this is entertaining. Who knows, Tom may become the next Star Wars Kid phenomenon on the InterWeb. Robin of Chalk Sidewalk passed along to me a very amusing clip which shows what Tom was really doing on Oprah. Perhaps I misjudged him, maybe he was doing us all a favor?

Tags: Comedy, Humor, Tom Cruise, Video

I went and saw Batman Begins last week. Twice, actually. It was very good, I recommend it to true believers and neophytes alike. As far as acting goes, the cast is great. Christian Bale is a pretty decent Batman, not that it would be hard to top Kilmer or, god, Clooney (WTF?). I thought he did a good job of portraying Bruce Wayne the way he would be in the beginning: intelligent, but angry and uncertain. Liam Neeson (Ducard) delivers a flawless performance, and Michael Caine is perfect as Alfred. Gary Oldman and Mogran Freeman round out the cast, with excellent performances as Jim Gordon and Lucius Fox, respectively. Even Katie Holmes (Rachel Dawes) is solid. Yea, I know, I wanted to make a Dawson's Creek joke there, like "Even Katie Holmes proves that she doesn't want to wait ... for the sequel" or "They should have called her character Rachel Daweson's Creek", but even I have my limits.

Although I didn't think about it at the time, I thought the writing for this film was quite good. In particular, the dialogue is very well thought out and appropriate. None of this "every line is the movie trailer catch phrase" bullshit like in Batman & Robin (dear god, stop the pain). It was quite nice to experience a comic-book movie in which the dialogue actually had some meaning and emotion behind it. It also helps to have a talented cast to deliver these lines.

Unlike previous Batman movies, this one seemed to strive at making the characters and story appear at least plausible if not believable. It was a more serious telling of the tale (if that's the right word), blending the comic book canon into a modern context. It also did, in my opinion, a pretty good job of showing Batman's beginnings. Of course, that was the point of the movie, but I appreciated both the subtle and obvious ways in which the character, his persona, and all that is usually associated with him, were built up.

So go out and see it. Kato wills it so!

The next part of this post is may contain content unsuitable for some audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

As I mentioned, I saw Batman Begins twice. The first time was opening night at a special midnight showing. It should be noted that at least two of the patrons were dressed as the Dark Knight himself, maybe even three. You gotta love us nerds, we don't disappoint. The second time was opening weekend and I was somewhat disappointed to find that no one else came in costume. I thought for sure a guy would convince his girlfriend to come as Bat Girl or perhaps Harley Quinn, hell, maybe even Poison Ivy. Or maybe I was just hoping that would happen. Either way, it didn't, but I did get to enjoy the company of a handful of friends who joined me for the flick.

One of my "friends" (and the loose usage of the term will explain itself shortly) decided he was going to try out a new gag on us, the unsuspecting. As I returned to my seat from making a quick bathroom run I had to cross in front of him. As I passed, he decided to reach out at my crotchital region. I barely saw it, the motion was so quick and unexpected. What transpired next was so utterly wrong that I shutter even to think about it. Whether he intended to just make me flinch by striking out at me or he had the full intention of causing some bodily harm, I don't know. What I do know is that contact was made. Hand-to-crotch contact. It was brief--I, as most men would, immediately reacted by snapping my legs shut, bending at the knees, and covering my man nuggets in the universal "I've been hit in the groin" motion. I was completely caught off guard (as were the rest of the crew who observed this) and quite shocked. Although no lasting damage was done, I distinctly felt the pressure of the impact, as slight as it was. What's worse, he did it palm-out, so his hand extended in a natural cupping motion.

That's right, this guy now knows the approximate shape and heft of my goody basket.

For any of my female readers, you should know that this is neither normal guy behavior nor is it acceptable in any context or under any circumstance, even while drunk. Straight guys draw the line at having any part of their body touch the genitals of another guy, even through several layers of clothing. It just isn't done. Not even as a joke. Sure, we can come close to touching them, as a way to make another guy uncomfortable or have them flinch, but contact is strictly prohibited. It says so on like Chapter 2 of The Guy Manual. Homosexuals are, of course, excluded from this rule when it comes to other homosexuals--I think they actually have their own book, anyway.

So, attending Batman Begins taught me two valuable lessons:
1) Chicks dig a guy in a bat suit.
2) I should wear a cup at all times.

Tags: Batman, Humor, Movie Review

Let us once again take a trip inside Kato's brain to see what goes on behind the scenes....

It is late on a Sunday evening. Kato is just returning home from visiting with friends. He is tired and many of the systems in his brain have gone into standby mode, third shift having taken over a few hours ago. The Visual Cortex is relatively quiet...

Tom: Man, I hate this shift.
Greg: Yea, it's so very dull. Hey Steve, quit being such a workaholic. Come relax, there's nothing to process this time of night anyway.
Tom: Don't bother, he's trying to impress the Big Guy. He's hoping to get promoted to supervisor of the day shift.
Greg: Didn't he just get transferred here from Data Access and Retrieval in the Temporal Lobe?
Tom: Different Steve.
Greg: Oh.... Man, this sucks. Hey, why don't you see if the guys from Logic wanna come down and play some poker tonight? They should be closing up shop here pretty soon, if they haven't already. I was thinking of getting on the horn to Memory and seeing if we could dial up something good to pass the time. Any suggestions?
Tom: Hmm, what about that thing with the smoking monkey we saw the other day, that was pretty good.
Greg: Definitely classic. I was thinking more along the lines of some fantasy.
Tom: Like that time we dressed up as a Hobbit? Boy did that stir up a hornet's nest over in the Shame center.
Greg: Not quite what I meant. Remember that hot little redheaded number from a few months ago?
Tom: Oh, yea! Man, I almost pulled a double shift just so I could hang around here when the signals came in from Optics.
Greg: I was thinking maybe we could call her up, and maybe Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi, and do a little creative in-house compositing.
Tom: Gold bikini?
Greg: Oh, you know it my friend.
Steve: Hey guys....
Greg: Not now, dork, we're cookin' up a little something to occupy our time.
Tom: Hey, I wonder if we can call in a marker with the folks over in the Hippocampus, maybe get them to put it into the dream queue tonight.
Steve: Guys, listen up...
Greg: That would be seriously awesome! We totally need to pull this shift together more often!
Steve: Hey, I'm TALKING HERE!
Greg: What, Steve? What could it possibly be? Is another Jack Black sighting?
Tom: Nice.
Steve: It's uh... well...
Greg: Spit it out, Spaz.
Steve: Well, I don't know what it is. Optics just sent us these images and, I don't know what to make of them.
Tom: Is that what I think it is?
Steve: I don't know what you think it is, but it appears to be two males, in their early twenties maybe.
Greg: Forget how old they are. What's that they are wearing?
Steve: Cross-referencing with Object and Pattern Recognition. Yea, they've confirmed it, they're wearing cowboy hats. Their clothes appear to be at least partially made up of denim. It's hard to tell in the dim light, but we may be able to find out when we get more from Optic. O.P.R. is telling me that although their clothes don't come up flagged as being exclusively "cowboy" in their database, they can't rule out the possibility.
Greg: Whoa, whoa, hold on. Where are we right now, I haven't been paying attention for the past couple of hours.
Steve: Internal Clock reads around two in the morning, and Object and Pattern Recognition is reporting that we are, in fact, in the parking lot of the apartment. We just pulled in a moment ago.
Tom: Greg, you might want to see who you can talk to about waking up someone over in Adrenal Processing. This is too good to miss, we definitely want to be awake for this.
Greg: Already on it!
Steve: Hey! This is my find, I'm calling the shots.
Tom: Okay, hotshot, go ahead. By all means take the reins if you think you can handle it.
Steve: Okay, I can do this. Let's see... alright, get a hold of Motor Control, tell them to hold tight and see if they can coordinate with Optics to keep the subjects in sight. That should give us some more information to work with. Next, contact Logic and send them all of our data, they should be able to give us a reasonable conclusion to work with.
Tom: You sure you wanna do that sport? I mean, they'll just steal your thunder and take all the credit.
Steve: Damn, you're right. Okay, we can do this, let's come up with an interpretation to impress the Boss.
Greg: Okay, what did I miss?
Tom: We have to figure out what it is we are seeing here. Steve decided it is up to us.
Greg: Sweet, let's do it.
Steve: New data coming in from Optic, I'm cross-referencing with O.P.R. again... it's boots, they are definitely wearing leather boots.
Greg: Awesome, I know what it is!
Tom: Don't say "Gay Cowboys".
Greg: What? Why? I mean, how did you know I was going to suggest that?
Tom: Cause that's what you always think it is. Remember when we were in Spain and you insisted the matadors were homosexual?
Greg: Oh, come on, of course they were! They had hats and chaps on, and they were European after all!
Tom: Seriously, man, how did you get this job anyway?
Greg: You recommended me, remember?
Steve: Tom, do you have a better suggestion.
Tom: It's obvious that they're coming from a rodeo.
Steve: You've gotta be kidding. A rodeo?
Tom: Yea, a rodeo, why not? Why else would they have the cowboy hats and the boots on?
Greg: Do they even have rodeos in this state?
Tom: How should I know?
Steve: Hmm, let me check something. If I can supply Data Retrieval with the right query parameters...
Greg: *cough* Nerd! *cough*
Steve: ...Okay, just as I thought. The D.R. guys tell me there's something called "line-dancing", it seems to come up when they put the terms "boots", "hats", and "queer" into the system. That has to be the explanation.
Greg: I dunno, look at the latest coming in from Optics.
Tom: Are they going up to that apartment together?
Greg: I totally called it. I wonder what the Object and Pattern Whatever folks will say when they start smooching.
Steve: You're such a child.
Greg: Shut up, poindexter!
Tom: Whatever, man, the other guy was just walking him to his door.
Greg: Point proven.
Steve: Uh, guys, we should probably let Motor Control know we can get moving again. I think they may have noticed us staring.
Tom: I'll tell them to enact whatever protocol they use when we get caught staring at boobs for too long. That should work.
Steve: What about our analysis?
Tom: You're the one that's pining for the promotion. Make up your mind and file the report yourself.

The Next Morning....

Kato's Brain: Morning Gladys, what's our status today?
Gladys: First shift is filing in, all systems are coming on to alert status. All sensory departments are reporting nominal operations and we're getting some requests in from Johnson in Waste Disposal as well as the usual gripes from the team down in Nourishment Operations. Oh, and all the night shifts have submitted their status reports.
Brain: Ah yes, I was looking forward to reading the update from the Visual Cortex. Let's see here, "At approximately 2:00 am, while en route to domicile, two unidentified figures were spotted. It is our professional opinion that the two individuals were..." What the hell? "...Renegade Boot-Scooters from the Gay Rodeo."
Gladys: Sounds like it was one hell of a night, sir.
Brain: I'm surrounded by idiots. Gladys, fire the night shift down in V.C.
Gladys: Yes, sir.
Brain: Oh, and for heaven's sake, tell Motor Control to find that blasted alarm clock and hit the damned snooze button! Have them just swing wildly, I don't care, I don't want to hear another note of that god-awful song by Akon!
Gladys: "Lonely, I am so lonely..."
Brain: You're not helping.

In honor of Father's Day, please indulge me in a sentimental post.

I consider myself quite lucky to have two wonderful parents. For most of my life I have held them in very high regard. Sure, we've had our difference, especially in those difficult teen years, but I was a good kid (anyone surprised?) and tried not to make their lives too difficult. It worked both ways in that in return they have done their best to be parents to me and watch out for me, but at the same time tried to give me the freedom to make my own choices in life. I am very much the person I am today through their guidance and the example they set.

My dad once told me that although my siblings and I were a lot of fun as kids, we're even better now that we are grown up and even more interesting. Not only was it a nice compliment but it also marked a sort of official acknowledgement that we had all passed some unseen barrier into adulthood. We, the kids, had now attained a new status that put us on more-or-less equal footing with the parents. From now on, when we talked, we talked not only as parent to child, but as adult to adult, person to person, and friend to friend.

With every passing year, my view of my parents changes. Hindsight is 20/20, of course, and with age comes perspective. Where once I viewed them only as parents--those people who take care of me and whose rules by which I must abide--now they are something more. As time passes, they become to me more than just embodiments of some idyllic concepts of father and mother. They become, well, the actual people that they are. It is still strange to think of them that way--as human, just like myself or anyone else--but as an adult I now catch myself wondering who these people I call mom and dad really are? Growing up I never thought much about their lives before I came into existence, but now as I bask in my independence and strive to find my place in the world, I come to realize that they too went through this same experience. It is both humbling and reassuring, but no matter how much perspective I've gained in my short time on this Earth, I'm not yet ready to completely pull down my parents from the pillars on which I've place them.

Today, of course, was Father's Day, and in commemoration of such my siblings and I met up at our folks' place for dinner. We celebrated in a manner somewhat recently adopted by my family, a manner which I highly recommend, by eating our dessert first, then opening presents, and then enjoying dinner. Dessert and presents are always the best part, so we've decided that there's no use in prolonging the wait. We all had a nice time, enjoying good food and the pleasure of each other's company. Sometime after dinner my father committed a simple thoughtful act that, as I pondered it on the way home, prompted me to write this whole post in the first place.

As a quick aside, I also feel a little sad on Father's Day. You see, my grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away, suddenly, when I was very young. I know the loss hurt my own father very much, and in all the years since we've never really talked about it (because the thought of upsetting my dad has always persuaded me not to ask about him). I am now nearing the age my father was when his own father died, and I think about how I would feel if the same thing happened. I know how painful it would be--how much my heart would break. And so I feel sad today, knowing that on occasions like this one I can tell my own parent what he means to me, but that he lost the opportunity to do so himself many years ago.

Okay, depressing moment over. Tell the violinists they can pack up and head home, we're going back to the main story.

I stood in the kitchen of my parents home chatting with my sister. I could have been any number of subjects as we sort of flow from one topic to the next, trying to get caught up on what has happened in each other's lives in the times since we last saw one another. The dinner table had been cleared and leftovers put away and I hadn't seen my dad in a little bit, but I assumed he was relaxing on the couch or attending to any number of projects he has going on around the house at any given time. He comes into the kitchen and walks over to me as my sister and I are taking a breath from talking at a thousand words a minute. He puts out his hand and says, "Here you are", and presents me with two small bolts.

As some of you may know, I have had an ongoing struggle with the rear license plate on my car. So I just assumed that he was presenting me with some bolts he thought might fit. But no, not my dad, he goes the extra mile. Apparently, while we were standing around, he decided to go out, grab a couple of screws and his driver from the garage, take off the existing bolts (that were a stop-gap measure barely keeping the plate in place), and power drive in some screws. The whole act maybe only took him a few minutes (depending on how long it took to find a set of screws the right size), but the fact that it even crossed his mind to go out and, seemingly randomly, do this for me is what really shows his character.

When I was in high school we had to write an essay on the person we considered our personal hero. Some people chose presidents, or famous scientists, or celebrities, but in my mind there was no bigger hero in my life than my own dad. I admire in him so many qualities: his intellect, his ability to take things in stride, his sense of humor, his thirst for knowledge, his unfailing humbleness and selflessness, and his abundance of kindness. Even as an adult I can't help but think of him as my go-to-guy to answer just about any question I have about life or how the world works. In many ways, he is the man I will always strive to be.

I love you, dad. Happy Father's Day!

Tags: Family, Father's Day, Reflection

I had so much fun coming up with fake church signs, I decided to torture you all with some more. That and I had 3 hours worth of meetings today during which to contemplate them, as well as the lyrics to Gwen Stefani's "Holla Back Girl" which has been the song on the radio every morning when I've woken up for the past couple of weeks. Seriously, guys, rotate your playlist. But, she does have a point: this shit is, in fact, bananas.

And now, without further ado, more sacrilege:

• Dubious Incentive
• Making Mass More Interesting
• I Hear The Payout Is Good
• Get Your Damn Hands Up
• I Told You So
• Like Denny's, Only Holier
• Stealing Is Wrong
• God Means Business
• I Can't Pass Up A Bargain
• You'll Go Blind, You Know
• WWJD?


• The Word of God
• Why Should You Want To Know?
• The Big Guy Has A Point
• Clowns Are Scary
• Reach Out And Touch Faith
• Stryper Was Unavailable
• Anything To Get Them In The Door
• For Religious Homemakers
• Band Names Are Stupid

I have to apologize for the lack of content over the past week or so. I've wanted to blog but I've been relatively busy and seemingly exhausted all the time. My muse has abandoned me for the time being, I think, so I haven't felt creative enough to post. But, I have notes on about ten different topics so when I get my energy back you all will likely drown in a deluge of Katonian missives.

Tags: Humor, Tombstones

I'm sure you have, in your own life, seen at least one sign outside a church that you thought was, well, a little odd. Maybe the sentiment was too hokey, maybe the all too frequent plays on words just didn't say "holy" to you, or maybe the phrasing was suspiciously laced with double entendre, but you certainly remembered it. And now, instead of sneaking out late at night to rearrange the letters on your local parish's marquee, you can come up with your own slogans and see them in real time online without those pesky trespassing charges! Behold, the glory that is www.churchsigngenerator.com. There are only two sign backgrounds to choose from, but you can still have some fun with it. For example, I spent a little time there creating some signs of my own. Check them out:

• Oft Misquoted
  
• Crucifixes Can Be Fun
  
• The Facts of Life
  
• There's Always Room For Improvement
  
• The Book Was Better
  
• Vague Advice
  
• The Lord is Quite the Kidder
  
• Marketing Is the Key
  
• Judy Blume
  
• And here's one that was posted on Penny Arcade the other day: The Horns
  

Tags: Humor, Religion