Blast! I have been humiliated by that damnable Archimedes once again. Dead for over two-thousand years and he still thumbs his nose at me from the grave. Here I am, Arch-Villain Extraordinaire, Criminal Mastermind, and Genius Unparalleled, with a team of dedicated (or loyal, but never both simultaneously) henchmen willing/forced to do my bidding at every turn, and yet I'm trumped by a gaggle of hacky-sackers at a "university" of limited renown. Bah!

The individuals in question at M.I.T. (seriously, has anyone ever even heard of this place?) were successful at creating one of Mr. Fancy Toga's more infamous devices of war: The Death Ray. All my henchmen ever accomplished in their years of toiling was the ability to incinerate ants with a magnifying glass, though it did prove a valuable deterrent against Queen Formia's ambitions to take over my volcanic hideout and convert it into a... ugh, hive.

Now, that's not to say that I, Dr. Kato Katonian, Evil Genius, do not possess a fully functionally, completely capable Death Ray. I do. Although, I have been thus far prohibited from using it due to some Guild nonsense about infringement of the "characteristic or trademark actions, realms, associations, or methods, used by another super villain, attributing to their reputation and perceived evilness." Bureaucratic equivocation of the most heinous kind--the kind that prevents me from freaking out the world! Regardless, even if I was able to use it, it is powered by electricity (the plug for the thing takes up the entire surge strip) and costs a fortune to run, thus I have always endeavored to discover more efficient weapons of evil with which to terrorize the populace. Archimedes Death Ray (which, let's be fair now, should really be called a "Visible Electromagnetic Radiation Focuser For the Purpose of Igniting Matter") was powered by the sun, so unless Helios succeeds in his devious scheme to charge the world for access to sunlight thereby bankrupting California whilst simultaneously inflating demand for the services of his chain of Helios' World Tan Spas, it would be the ultimate in cost-saving evil weaponry. That and the microwave in the break room on the detention level really sucks and this would be a delightful alternative for heating up my pizza rolls. I've had numerous representatives out to look at the blasted device to no avail. Of course they all eventually ended up thrown in the lava pits or as makeshift toboggans for the henchmen during snow days, but I'm getting off track here.

I was once able to travel backward in time (forward is so very predictable) by means of some weapons-grade plutonium and a vintage DeLorian. I traded them both for a time machine, and decided to seek out great inventors of the past in order to bring their secrets back with me in order to further my diabolical plans. I journeyed to ancient Sicily around the time of the Punic War, figuring that Archimedes would have his war-machine development in full swing and might be able to make a deal with him for his design in exchange for, say, not letting the Romans in the back door or what not. Shortly after arriving on the quaint streets of Syracuse I was nearly toppled by an obnoxious, and quite naked, man running down the street yelling "ηὕρηκα" over and over again. After asking around I was dismayed to find that I had just been streaked by the great inventor himself. I had already learned more about him than I ever wanted to know. You probably guessed it, but Archimedes' Screw? Yea, overcompensating.

I tried fruitlessly for weeks to tease even the simplest of plans from the man. I originally came in search of blueprints for a giant war machine but by the end I would have been happy with a solar-powered back-scratcher. He never once let me look at his drawings. Oh, sure, he'd ramble on about buoyancy this or integral that, but never once did he mention destruction this or world domination that. It was like taking Remedial Science all over again, except with a professor who had no concept of a Classical Era version of the dreaded "buffalo shot". I mean, seriously, if you simply must don a toga, I insist that you learn to cross your legs! I spent half the time holding up objects betwixt us so as to prevent accidental exposure to his laurel and olives.

I even attempted to ply him by sponsoring a festival in honor of one of their silly little deities (Artemus Gordon?) which provided plenty of social lubricant. He was a talkative drunk, but instead of enlightening me with how he constructed his great machines, he instead spent most of the time dropping items (coins, bits of cheese) into his cup and seeing how much wine they displaced. The next morning I woke to find the Romans had somehow made it past the defenses during the night. Syracuse had been taken and I wanted to be anywhere but there. I immediately made my way to the Roman commander, a delightful fellow by the name of Marcellus, and offered my indispensable services to him (if history has taught me anything it's that the early Italians were a little too crucifix-happy for my liking). He inquired about the whereabouts of Mr. Won't-Give-Up-His-Secrets, but of course I feigned no knowledge of such a man. Marcellus bid me away, requesting only that I pass along to his troops a message, something like "Μην αφήστε καμία ζημιά να έρθει στο άτομο γνωστό ως Αρχιμήδης", which I think translates to "Let no harm come to the man known as Archimedes." Or something about donuts, I don't really remember.

I rushed off, figuring I had one last chance with the stubborn old Greek before the Romans took him away. I found him at his home, doodling in the dust. I apparently stepped through whatever it was he was drawing (probably the big busted widow down the street that he fancied) and he became quite upset, refusing to answer my questions, and shooing me away saying, "Don't disturb my circles!" Fed up, I left, bumping into a legionnaire on the way out. Remembering what Marcellus, commander of the Roman troops told me, I did my best to pass on his message, though "Ancient Greek For Time Travelers--In Just 20 Days" only gets you so far. Plus I traveled forward in time 20 days to begin with so I wouldn't have to study as much.

As I left, I told the soldier, "Κοιμήθηκε με τη σύζυγό σας, το οποίο επανδρώνει, Αρχιμήδης." In retrospect, I think something may have been lost in translation.