I have found a new favorite time to do grocery shopping: 9:30pm on a cold, Sunday evening. I saw a grand total of maybe eight cars in the parking lot and was treated with aisle after aisle of unhindered grocery-shopping goodness. It was as if convenience and opportunity had hooked up for some drunken sex and nine months later out popped this. Or, something like that.

Besides not wanting to miss their Sunday lineup of shows (poor DVR-less fools), I imagine the prospect of having to uncover their cars from two inches of snow in the dark and cold was sufficient enough of a deterrent. Plus, everyone else is probably way more on top of things than I am, having ventured out into the world much earlier. What can I say, I like running my errands when no one is around. Plus I hadn't shaved and was thus sporting a few days worth of scruffy growth. Coupled with my winter coat and knit cap (tuque for my Canuck readers and toboggan for you poor misguided southerners), I presented quite the gruff, outdoorsy image. And no one wants to get in your way when you look like that--they're just hoping to make it out to their car alive before you realize the stock boy hasn't restocked the Steak-Ums yet. Besides, they were probably thinking the same thing I was: "Sweet, this place is dead. Insert hyperbole about convenience and opportunity!" If I had had a warm flannel shirt and an axe readily available, I would have ventured out in that. If nothing else it would have given the counter girls something to talk about other than the inane drivel they were spewing when I got there.

Counter Girl: Remember that time when you did that thing that hurt me?
Effeminate Bagger: You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?
Counter Girl: No, cause it hurt!

Kato's ears begin to bleed.
Kato's Brain: Gladys, where are we?
Gladys: The supermarket sir.
Kato's Brain: Did I doze off, what's that god-awful sound?
Gladys: You tend to drift out when the IQ level of the ambient conversation drops below "retarded".
Kato's Brain: I see. Well, just make sure they swipe our card. I want the gas points. Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine....

Counter Girl: I wish I could get a makeover.
Effeminate Bagger: Just wait till my cousin gets into town, he could make you look like the Mona Lisa.

Kato's brain tries escaping through his ears.
Gladys: That won't work sir.
Kato's Brain: Are you sure? Cause I think I can fit.
Gladys: (aside) Don't think I haven't tried.
Kato's Brain: Wait, did he say "Mona Lisa"?
Gladys: I've already got Visual Recall and Memory Storage and Retrieval pulling it up. Figured it was something to do between games of Minesweeper.
Kato's Brain: Mona Lisa... Mona Lisa... where do I know that name? Oh yea, Slick Rick, 1998. "Well, it was one of those days, not much to do. I was chillin downtown, with my old school crew. I went into a store to buy a slice of pizza, and bumped into a girl, her name was Mona--what? Mona Lisa."
Steve: If I may interrupt sir, this is Steve--
Kato's Brain: From accounting?
Steve: Uh, no, from Data Access and Retrieval. Although Mr. Rick does rap about "Mona Lisa", I think the reference you are actually looking for is that of a famous oil painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Kato's Brain: I see. Well, no I don't.
Steve: The picture should be coming up from Visual Recall right about now.
Kato's Brain: Ohh, the broad from the Frenchy museum!
Gladys: (rolling her eyes)
Kato's Brain: Why would she want to look like her? She's kinda, well...
Steve: Rubenesque?
Kato's Brain: I was gonna say "chunky", but yea, Reuben-whatever works. The chick doesn't even have any eyebrows, what's up with that?
Gladys: Some women pluck them, you know, to make themselves more appealing.
Kato's Brain: Who cares about eyebrows?
Steve: Her enigmatic smile is one of her more charming features.
Kato's Brain: Hey, you know, they should make a movie about that. Don't you think it would make a great movie? They could call it, "The smile on the Mona Lisa", or, "Why's that girl smiling like that?"
Gladys: Guaranteed blockbuster, sir.
Kato's Brain: Damn straight. Are we done checking out yet? Are they still yammering?
Gladys: Auditory says they're still being flooded and their processing department has given up and shut down.
Kato's Brain: Okay, well, get Motor Control on the horn. Tell them to be ready to jab that pen through our temple at a moment's notice.