Dear Santa:

This what I would like for Christmas. Please try not to screw it up this time. I have been very "good" this year (though your definition and mine may be diametrically opposed).

1. Weapons-grade Plutonium.
2. Lead-lined briefcase for toting around Plutonium.
3. Death-Ray Repair Kit.
4. My Little Pony Butterfly Island Sunny Scent Apple Spice Pony (god help you if you bring me Sunny Scent Citrus Sweetheart Pony instead!)
5. Portable Annihilator.
6. Hero Repellent (spray or candles).
7. Festive holiday socks (the secret lair gets surprisingly cold at night).
8. The entirety of Canada.
9. My own evil space station or underwater laboratory, either one would be fine.
10. A Chia-Henchman.
11. Four million dollars cash (unmarked, non-sequential bills), three tanker trucks of distilled petroleum, several cases of C4 (with detonators), and one copy of Die Hard 3: Die Hard With A Vengeance.
12. Kim Jung Il's home phone number.
13. Vending machine that only takes 2 dollar bills.
14. A date with Jessica Biel.

Make haste, fat man. The wants and needs of an evil genius are not idly trifled with. I shall expect your arrival in two days. Should you be late, do not expect cookies or the nectar of the bovine from me. That is all.

(Oh, and I promise I won't stay up and peek. I'll be a good boy this year and go right to bed. Honest.)