Let us once again see what strange and wonderful search engine queries have brought the fine denizens of the InterWeb to this humble blog.

adam sessler + the beatles - In some ways it makes perfect sense for a query like this to land someone here. WITFITS does pride itself in housing any number of odd juxtapositions. I just can't imagine what this person was trying to accomplish by searching on these terms. Did a new Beatles video game come out and I just didn't know about it? "Happiness is a Warm Gun: The Game!" is the new and exciting MTS (Mop-Top Shooter) from Rockstar Games. Stroll through the streets of downtown London, blowing away limey Brits, bobbies, Buckingham guards, and various other English stereotypes, all while battling LSD-induced hallucinations and attempts by the evil Yoko Ono to tear your group apart. You can play as one of four character classes (John, Paul, George, or Ringo) each with their own unique abilities, but we found the latter two to be mostly ineffective. Worth it for the soundtrack alone, we give it a fab four... out of five.

Can we call you Daddoo? - Ehhhhhhh... I don't think so. Ok, I love you, bu-bye!

chloroform women video - Hey you! Yea, you, the sick bastard that is looking for videos of women being chloroformed on the 'net. What the fuck is wrong with you? And dear God why, why, did that lead someone here?!

cyberman head replica - This must be the cyberman that is having sex with the cyberwoman that someone was searching for about a month ago. Look, I said it before I'll say it again, I don't know who these alleged cyberpeople are who are having sex, but they aren't here. And I certainly don't have a replica of his head. Oh, Christ, I hope they mean the one on top of his shoulders...

cyber video vixen lesbian - It seems painfully obvious to me, but maybe it isn't to the rest of you out there, so I'll try to make this clear. If I had access to lesbian vixens and was permitted to videotape them, I doubt I would be wasting my time writing stories concerning hypnotic moustaches or pontificating about keyboards.

David Chapelle+Movie clips+Yoda - Adventure! Excitement! A Jedi craves not these things. Neither does Dave, apparently.

Dancing with ll cool j will sasso - Wow, if I could dance with both Will Sasso and L.L. Cool J, I think my life would be complete. Seriously, where do you guys come up with this shit?

"world of warcraft" grope command - Have you tried /grope yet? Seriously, though, you need to get out more. But, if you insist on continuing down this path, let me give you some advice. Try this:
You need to start off slow, /beckon and /grin. Sometimes it helps to /strut and /flex a little, the ladies like that. It doesn't hurt to /tease a bit, but you'll earn the most points if you just /listen.
There are definitely some things you should avoid. /fart and /nosepick when she's not around. They seldom get the humor of a good /moon, and above all don't /whine, it's not attractive.
You'll know you're on the right track if she starts to /giggle and /blush. She may even /smirk, which is a good signal that she's thinking about it too.
Don't rush, though. /hug and /kiss to start things off, you don't want to move too quickly. Maybe offer to /massage her, or make her laugh with a good /tickle. She'll feel closer to you if you /cuddle and /spoon, and she may reward you with a playful /lick or gentle /bite.
Make sure she isn't /bored. If you see her /yawn it isn't meant to be, and she'll probably /veto any further contact.
But, if she starts to /groan, or you hear her /purr, there's a good chance she'll /surrender to you.
At this point, it's okay to /gaze as long as you're not creepy about it, but you probably shouldn't /drool. Also, it's not really polite to /gloat, especially if you have nothing to back it up.
If you're patient and you've followed my patented advice, she might just /kneel and /blow. But don't /pounce on her without prior consent. If things really start heating up, she'll /laydown and invite you to /poke. Get your /shimmy on, pal, and /tap that all night.
If none of the above advice works, you can always /apologize, even for things you haven't done. Don't be too proud to /grovel and /beg.
If all else fails, /pray.

Stay Away From Abort Retry Ignore dos - Good advice! I'll try to stay away from it, thanks. You do know that Google is just a search engine and not a suggestion box, right? Incidentally, I used to enjoy the "Abort, Retry, Fail" humor column in PC Magazine (check out the "best of") .

purdue engineering tootsie roll study - There's nothing comical about this, I'm just proud that WITFITS could disseminate such information to the public. A brief bit of information on the study can be found here, which, strangely enough, is the first link returned when you search on said terms.

picture of fusilli jerry - "I'm Kato Katonian, the Assman!" I'm not your research assistant, but a quick Google image search reveals this, this, and this.

explusion children orphan - You people are depraved! You want to see videos of women being chloroformed and children--orphan children, for chrissake--exploding?! Oh, unless you meant "expulsion" not "explosion", in which case, that's just sad. I mean, the kids already don't have parents, now they are being expelled? Also, buy (or at least rent) a dictionary.

Groinal Response attraction - So many ways to go with this one.
Avenue #1: I believe the term you are looking for is erection. You see, Billy, when a boy becomes a man, his body begins to change. You may start to notice hair where there wasn't hair before, and finally understand why there are women in bikinis on the front of hot rod magazines. It turns out they aren't mechanics after all. As you get older, you'll come to understand there's a purpose for that crazy swelling in your pants that makes it hard to pee. But remember, Billy, that's no toy you got down there. You should treat it with the same reverence you have toward, say, that .22 I keep in the den: don't play with it, you never know when it might go off.

Avenue #2: Here at e-Hormoney.com we use our patented "Groinal Response Attraction" test to determine your perfect match. The process is straightforward: we simply show you a picture of a potential mate and if you feel Mr. Winky starting to stir, you're compatible!

kthrne - Cool, someone was looking for WITFITS friend kthrne (the artistically inclined geek) and came here. Quick, everyone check their logs and see if there is any mention of me. It would probably be under the search terms "internet stud" or "geekcake".

homestar wiki wood davers - Even my obscure references are no match for the awesome parsing power of Google. If you care, this is the explanation.

"Lonely, I am so lonely"+lyrics+akon - Sweet merciful crap, I should have known not to mention here a song that drives me nuts. Must... kill... Akon.

rib burnoffs - My ribs are not for sampling, thank you very much. Unless you're a cute woman in her twenties...

"secure yourself right now" trojan removal - That's easy, just slide it off. But wouldn't you feel more secure with the Trojan on?

tom cruise goes bonkers on oprah video - Again, nothing funny here, I just revel in the fact that the world's realization of his craziness is helping to pad my hit counters. Nice use of bonkers, too. Tom Cruise is so totally my bitch now.

what activities did you add to "sexy party" - Well, I thought a bubble machine would be absolutely fabulous and I invited everyone to come in pajamas or similarly appropriate attire. We filled the grotto with lime gelatin (there's always room for Jell-o) and we added a few body parts to the spinner in Twister to make it more interesting. Say, how did you find out about my sexy party anyway, the guest list was very exclusive? Did Bobby Duvall tell you? Cause he knows it was an invite-only shindig.

What is the name of the comedian who does "Karaoke for the deaf - Geeze, you think your friends sing poorly, imagine their drunk asses on stage flailing their arms about like an octopus having a seizure. No doubt that a performance "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies would result in the injury of many innocent bystanders. (Incidentally, this search is actually in reference to this video clip. And to answer the question, it is David Armand of the Hollow Men.)

witfits - After seven months on the InterWeb, I get my first real search engine hit. I bet if I ran a porn site it would be seven seconds.

do you kiss 50 cent with that mouth? - Why, what did he tell you?

faints watch clip - I'm not sure how to interpret this one. Does someone faint from watching a clip, or is the clip of someone fainting? Or is it recursive: is the clip of someone fainting from watching a clip of something (possibly a person fainting from watching a clip...)? I'm always surprised at the number of search queries I see that appear to have the subject matter of the search and the desired results of searching confused. For instance, in this case, the searcher is looking for "clips" of "faint[ing]". Naturally they want to "watch" said clips. But Google isn't the computer from Star Trek--you can't just say, "Google, I would like to watch some clips of people fainting" and have it delivered to you. That would be like me typing into the search box "minutia read blog" or "intelligent design have lobotomy". I dunno, maybe Frankenstein was doing some surfing.

freakanomics - I conducted a study of visitors to WITFITS and I discovered some interesting facts. For instance, it turns out that 99% of all visitors to this site are using a computer. Of those visitors, a certain percentage are male and the remainder are female. Now, intuitively one might think that the quality of the writing would be directly proportional to the number of visitors to the site (and to the number of comments per post). However, I have combed through the data and determined where the real correlation lies. The number of visitors to this site is directly proportional to the number of crazy queries input into Google on a daily basis. It is my suspicion that these visitors may not even be people but rather a room full of monkeys that are desperately attempting to reproduce Shakespeare's Hamlet. So far they have: "Who's there?" Seriously, though, Freakanomics is a great book. Buy it. Now!

freakanomics dating - Hey, champ. I just talked to Freakanomics, and it's really flattered that you'd want to go out, but it said it didn't want to complicate things right now. It thinks you are really sweet and exactly the type of guy it would want to go out with, but that it just wants to be friends.

return to flight scott bakula - It's been a long road, getting from there to here. It's been a long time, but my time is finally here. And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky. And they’re not gonna hold me down no more, no, they’re not gonna change my mind. 'Cause I got faith of the heart, I’m going where my heart will take me. I got faith to believe I can do anything. I got strength of the soul and no one’s gonna bend or break me. I can reach any star. I got faith. Faith of the heart.

What, too much?

rich men who want to date - ...aren't likely to be found using Google, my friend.

take 'em church - And God said unto Kato: "Buildeth me a blogeth that doth extol the mightyeth virtues of technology. Filleth it with humor and musings both profound and simpleth." And Kato said to God, "No prob, big guy. But what's with the -eth? Is that a lisp or something? Oh, wait, you're doing your Jimmy Fallon impersonation again, aren't you? Damn, you're good!"

the more you know sarah chalke - I wonder if that's in reference to my recent Public Service Announcement: "Privacy is a right we all have. We deserve to feel safe in our own homes and not have to worry about the prying eyes of others, especially creepy guys with goatees and glasses who peep in our bathroom window while we're taking a shower. Stalking is wrong, even if the object of your obsession is the beautiful and talented Sarah Chalke from NBC's Scrubs. [cue 'the more you know' music]"

Sarah... call me!

women looking for military men - ...should sign up for the army, I hear they have lots of them. What am I a dating site now?

men and women most common stereotypes - Most common male stereotype: That all men are sexy geeks who blog and have a thing for redheads. Most common female stereotype: That all women are redheads that dig sexy geeks who blog. What? Screw you, this is my fantasy world, get your own.

Canadian Hide and Seek team - Ya, we got a beauty of a team this year, eh. You might think, "Hey, what a bunch of hosers, runnin' around and hidin'. What's that all aboot?" But it's hard work, eh. While you knobs are sitting around on the chesterfield eating your poutine and drinking your twenty-sixer, we're working our bums off. Ya, and every man on the team even got a new tuque, so, you know, we're dressed to win. Bob's your uncle. The next Olympics, we're bringing home the gold, withoat a doat. Hey, is that Tim Hortons I smell?

dane cook jimmy kimmel faints - Hmm, maybe I need to set up a cybersex/fainting website. Seems like I could get a lot of traffic.

casey kasem "death dedication" - "I want a goddamn concerted effort to come out of a search result, that isn't a fucking up-tempo search result, every time I do a goddamn blog post! This is the last goddamn time. I want somebody to use his fucking brain to not come out of a goddamn search result that is a up-tempo, and I gotta talk about a fucking Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

And now, my absolute favorite query referral to date:
how big is darth vader's penis - Goodnight everybody!


Previous Search Engine Goodness: [1][2].

Tags: Internet, Referrals