Robin of Chalk Sidewalk is well-aware of my appreciation for Star Wars. She recently sent me a link to a website for Burger King's tie-in with Episode III. The Sith Sense is a flash game in which Darth Vader uses the Force (and twenty questions) to try to guess what you are thinking. I've seen this system in action before, but never with such an appealing front end.

I took it upon myself to test the Dark Lord of the Sith's mettle. I decided on a word that I thought he wouldn't be able to guess. That word was penis. Yea, I know, I have the mind of a fourteen year old.

I went through the game a few times and charted Vader's questions. I found it quite amusing, but then I would. Here's what he asked me, and my responses (either yes, depends, maybe, sometimes, irrelevant, or no), as well as my comments. The following commentary may be inappropriate for relatives or the faint of heart. It is rated "D" for "dick jokes":

1. What are you thinking of? Other.
Of other, animal, vegetable, mineral, and unknown, this seemed the most appropriate. Though it does have a mind of its own, so animal might not be far from the truth.

2. Does it involve contact with other humans? Sometimes.
If I'm lucky.

3. Could it be found in a classroom? Depends.
At least for Mary Kay Letourneau.

4. Can you hold it? Yes.
I ask women that question all the time. Hence the number of restraining orders.

5. Is it hard? Sometimes.
See question 2.

6. Is it heavier than a pound of butter? No.
Imagine swinging that billy club around.

7. Can you play games with it? Yes.
Kato Jr. and I play Monopoly every Thursday. He likes to be the thimble.

8. Does it deal with imagination? Maybe.
When I pee I imagine I'm a fireman and it's a fire house. I'm a hero every time I step foot in the bathroom.

9. Does it play music? No.
Well, I guess you could consider it an accomplished pianist.

10. Can it bend without breaking? Sometimes.
I'm not planning on researching this one too thoroughly.

11. Does it come in many varieties? Depends.
Well, there's light, dry, extra dark, malt, sugar free, caffeine free, low sodium, and regular.

12. Is it white? Sometimes.
It's not like it goes on vacation to Florida every year and gets a tan.

13. Is it originally from Europe? Irrelevant.
Although Great Britain is the home of Spotted Dick.

14. Is it used in a sport? No.
If there were a sport associated with it, I would be relegated to water boy.

15. Do you use it at night? Sometimes.
Depends on what you're dreaming about.

16. Is it electronic? Sometimes.
Aww, yea, this question was just for the ladies.

17. I'm thinking it's a game? No.
That's right folks, it's Penis: The Game! Try to get ahead in the longest, hardest game of the year!

18. Would you use it daily? Depends.
See question 4.

19. Is it something you can purchase? Maybe.
See question 16.

20. I'm thinking it's a muscle? Close.
A love muscle, that is!

21. Can it be played? Maybe.
This one's too easy. Insert fellatio joke here.

22. Is it used for communications? Depends.
If you're asking whether or not I can use it to dial a phone, then yes. But if you are asking if I have ever used it to dial a phone, then... yes.

23. Can you get information by using it? Maybe.
I'll tell you everything I know, just keep that thing away from me.

24. Are there many different sorts of it? Maybe.
Some are big, some are small. Some wear sweaters, some do not. Most have one or two close friends. Wait, never mind, I'm thinking of midgets.

25. Is it smaller than a loaf of bread? Yes.
Dear god, imagine how embarrassing those middle-school gym shorts would be if you were holstering that baby.

26. Can it fit in an envelope? Irrelevant .
I'm not willing to endure the paper cuts to find out.

27. Can you switch it on and off? No.
It has a mind of its own.

28. Is it used in a game? Maybe.
Although none of my friends want to come over for board game night because of that fact.

29. I'm thinking it's a tarot card? No.
Swing and a miss.

30. I'm thinking it's a water balloon? No.
Oh, I'm so sorry, but you'll be sure to receive some lovely parting gifts.

I tried again just to see what might happen another time:

1. What are you thinking of? Other.
I'm kinda surprised Vader doesn't come out and say, "And for God's sake, don't choose a penis. I hate when people do that."

2. Does it help accomplish tasks? Maybe.
Me and Kato Jr. built a shed together last weekend. Good times.

3. Is it a common household object? Maybe.
I doubt you'd find it between the can opener and the egg whisks, though.

4. Does it have writing on it? No.
Though I suppose someone could put like one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins on the side.

5. Do you use it in public? No.
As per the court order.

6. Do you use it at night? Sometimes.
I can't bear to make a second nocturnal emission joke. Yes, I said nocturnal emission. I'm sorry.

7. Is it a body part? Yes.
Hey, somebody's been doing their homework!

8. Is it straight? Sometimes.
At least I haven't caught it critiquing my choice in clothes and listening to Tori Amos... yet.

9. Is it shaped like a hot dog? Yes.
At this point, wouldn't you think Vader knows what it is?

10. Can you smell it? Depends.
They didn't have an option for, "God, I hope not."

11. Is it originally from Europe? No.
What body part could you possibly name that originated in Europe? Unless, of course, you're a European in which case I guess all of your body parts would fit that description.

12. Can it discharge waste? Yes.
Mine takes the garbage out to the dumpster every weekend.

13. Does it have a long neck? Sometimes.
It's the giraffe of body parts. Or the turtle.

14. Does it burn? Depends.
...on whether or not I took my Penicillin.

15. Can it bend without breaking? Sometimes.
I don't recommend tying it in a knot. It's hard to explain to the EMTs.

16. Is it hard? Sometimes.
Depends on if I'm drunk or not.

17. I'm thinking it's a muscle? Close.
Did you know that the largest muscle in the body is the Gluteus Maximus? Next time someone asks me why I'm always sitting around on my butt doing nothing I can tell them to screw off, I'm exercising.

18. Can you sit on it? Yes.
I can't count the number of times I've been slapped for asking this one.

19. Is it white? Sometimes.
You can tell by how straight it stands up and the fact that it has no rhythm.

20. I'm thinking it's something to do with sex? Close.
By jove, he's almost got it!

21. Can it be dried? Maybe.
I recommend using a towel, not a hair dryer. Just a suggestion. And why is this the follow up to "I'm thinking it's something to do with sex"?

22. Can you find it in a church? Irrelevant .
Depends, is it Catholic?

23. I'm thinking it's wiener schnitzel. Close.
Is that what the Germans are calling it these days?

24. Would you find it in an office? Sometimes.
Depends on what you are willing to do to get ahead. Hmmm, no pun intended.

25. I'm thinking it's something to do with sex? Close.
I'm thinking you asked me that already.

26. Is it small? Sometimes.
Why, who told you it was small? Was it Mary? Cause she's a vindictive bitch.

27. I'm thinking it's a urethra? Close.
You're missing the big picture here, buddy. Think bigger. Well, not that much bigger.

28. Could it be found in a classroom? Sometimes.
Particularly at Screw U.

29. I'm thinking it has something to do with sex. Yes.
Okay, okay, I give in. I guess I can't get him to say penis. For a guy who dressed in black and wears a mask, he's awfully prudish.

I tried it a out a few more times just to see what types of questions I could get. One other one stood out: "Do you put it in your mouth?" Goodnight everybody!

Tags: Adult, Humor, Star Wars