When I first purchased digital cable a few years ago I was captivated by a network called TechTV. The station was aimed almost directly at me. Seriously, I think their slogan used to be, "TechTV: The Network For Kato". It was a great mix of shows about, you guessed it, technology. The programming was, in general, intelligent, interesting, and varied. Nearly every day I'd come home and turn it on (when I wasn't catching James Burke's phenomenal Connections on The Science Channel) and embrace my adopted family. These were my kin, my people.

Then Comcast came along and fucked it all up.

In May 2004 G4 Media (primarily owned by Comcast) bought TechTV from Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen's company Vulcan Ventures and announced it would be merging with its network, G4. As with any merger, it was originally made to sound like one would get the best of both partners is one combined network. The channel even called itself G4-TechTV for awhile. But clearly this was little more than a shakeup to acquire the assets of a better network (including its audience) and then eliminate the competition. Upon merging, most of the TechTV shows were canned, and the entire staff of 250 employees was fired (80 to 100 of them could keep their job if they signed a new contract and moved to Los Angeles from San Francisco). Only a few shows/personalities remained, and after a few months even those were eventually eliminated. Now, the only show to survive the transition is Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb's X-Play (a video game review show, go figure), and they are among only a handful of people to survive the layoffs.

And, other than losing a bunch of my favorite shows, why does this pain me so much? Because G4's lineup is utter crap. In general, I think the idea of a video game channel is a little silly. I can't watch five programs in a row where they tell me how bad Bad Boys: Miami Takedown is, or show me the same damn clips from E3 I've seen a thousand times already. G4 is beginning to realize this and has started breaking up their programming with blocks like The Whip Set which includes a couple of shows about cars. Well, actually, according to a press release: "it celebrates the import car racing lifestyle with shows, rides, women and clubs". Even the G4 fans are like: WTF?

And then there's the steaming pile that was the 4-part Video Game Vixens.

Here's the description from the website: "Your favorite game gals will compete before a panel of celebrity judges in categories ranging from Biggest Guns and to Baddest Good Girl. The top performers will move on to the final round--where G4’s Videogame Vixen of the Year will be crowned."

G4: Single-handedly setting back Women's Lib at least 15 years.

I caught an episode or two of this (or at least parts) and it's hard to know where to begin tearing it apart. But I'll endeavor. I'm even going to employ my Kato Katonian Mostly Meaningless Rating System™. Let the fun begin.

The Opening
The first show had an opening segment which featured a beauty pageant stage being invaded by video game characters Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), Rayne (Bloodrayne), and Kurenai (Red Ninja). This exceptionally cheesy live action segment showed the well-endowed Ms. Croft shooting out all the lights and half-vampire/NAZI hunter Rayne slaughtering a screaming beauty pageant contestant. Mmmm, wholesome family entertainment. I should have turned it off right then and there, knowing that they had effectively declared their audience: 14 year old boys.

On a scale from Jennifer Lopez to Judi Dench, I give it a Mariah Carey in Glitter.

The Host
G4 managed to sully the image of Queer As Folk and VH1 mainstay Hal Sparks by including him in this project. He serves as the terribly unfunny host of this terribly low-brow piece of crap. I normally like Mr. Sparks (he had a great cameo in Spider-Man 2), but here he comes off as sad and sorely lacking wit. Though that's probably not his fault, a point I'll get to in a moment.

On a scale from Wink Martindale to Alex Trebek, I give him a Marc Summers.

The Panel
Could be worse. Their panel of judges consisted of relatively well-known video game columnist Seanbaby, WWE "Rookie Diva of 2005" Joy Giovanni, and Road Rules alum Jake Bronstein. I didn't really watch long enough to form an opinion about how well they performed as judges, but I was surprised to find there was a woman on the panel. I thought, "Why would any self-respecting woman take part in this?" and then I realized she isn't a self-respecting woman. She abandoned her sisters and her duty to uphold the equality of women when she pranced around a wrestling ring in her underwear.

On a scale from Michael Jackson Jury to O.J. Simpson Jury, I give them a Robert Blake Jury.

The "DJ"
Because for some reason all trendy shows have to have a DJ, Video Game Vixens features DJ Melo-D on wax. Although his pedigree as a member of the Beat Junkies (a Los Angeles based turntablist crew) should lend some air of funkiness to the show, it comes off as played as a The Funky Drummer. For starters, what the hell does a show whose premise (as flimsy as it is) revolves around judging the aesthetics of fictional characters need a DJ for? Are they going to spontaneously burst into a break dancing session? Is Hal Sparks gonna call out Seanbaby and incite an impromptu MC battle ala 8 Mile? What really killed me is that throughout the show you see DJ Melo-D in the background cuttin' records, but I don't recall ever hearing him. Either they put him there and told him to just pretend like he's doing something, or he is actually scratching and they decided not to use the audio track (and why would you want music behind your entire show, anyway?) Either way, it's clear that the writers/producers decided, hey, what's better than hearing a turntable artist? Seeing one!

On a scale from DJ Scribble to Mix Master Mike, I give him a DJ Jazzy Jeff.

The Writing
Oh dear God it hurts! I felt so very sorry for Mr. Sparks and the others on the show who were forced to use the pre-canned dialogue supplied by the writers. At least I hope someone else wrote it. It was bad. So very bad. It was cringe-writing. You know, the kind of humor that is so poorly written it makes you feel embarrassed just to hear it. I felt dirty. I had to go take a shower and brush my teeth to get the stale taste out of my mouth.

On a scale from The Old Man And The Sea to Of Mice And Men, I give it a See Spot Run.

The Format
The only thing worse than real award shows and pageants are fake ones. In addition to having to watch them judge such intellectually stimulating categories as "Kinkiest Accessory", "Best Bounce", and "Best Booty", the show interspersed crappy sketches (a G4 mainstay) which typically consisted of spliced video game footage with bad voice overs in an attempt to be funny. Attempt failed. They also spiced up the judging by having random people drop in to give their opinion on a category. In their equivalent of the "Best Dressed" competition, a fashion "expert" came out and "spontaneously" commented on each of the contestants as game footage scrolled by. It was worse than a bunch of high school kids making their own Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. I wanted to cry. I died a little inside with each passing moment.

On a scale from VHS to DVD, I give it a Betamax.

The Concept
Seriously, folks, a pageant about the hottest video game vixen? It's an Internet poll, not a 4-part television series. And the show in general drills home a major point about G4 that irks me: it's doing nothing to improve the public image of video gaming. We gamers take our hobby very seriously, but video games have always gotten a bum rap. Politicians need a scapegoat for violence, moral corruption, and antisocial behavior so they blame video games. Video game sales have topped the movie industry's total box office sales since 1996, yet they are still looked upon as unequal in esteem. Gamers are seen as a minority group of socially inept teenage boys when the truth is that 248 million computer and video games were sold in 2004 (hardly a minority), some 60% of gamers play with friends and 43% of all game players are women. Oh, and the average age of a video gamer is 30. And in response, G4 produces this hunk of garbage. People that don't play video games don't understand the depth and breadth of the experience and won't ever see it as anything redeeming or important if their view of our world is through this type of crap.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it a soggy newspaper.

Tags: G4, Humor, Review, Television, Video Vixens