I haven't been sleeping very well the past few nights. I'm not sure what it is. It could be the after-affect of consuming massive quantities of pork and barbecue sauce. I guess only time will tell, but needless to say I've been exhausted the past couple of days (even after getting a full night's sleep) and have spent each night waking up countless times for no reason.

What's more, I had the oddest dream the other night. Not that this is unusual for me, I have strange dreams all the time. If I were to catalogue and reveal them all to you it would open a window into my mind that no one wants to peer through. Plus it would probably creep my sister out.

When I was in eighth grade my sister got a bunny. She was an adorable little powerdpuff of a thing: all white except for her completely black eyes and a thin ring of black hair/skin around them. It was often commented that she looked as if she was wearing mascara. She was a Netherland Dwarf (a small breed of rabbit with short ears that stand up) and when we first brought her home she fit in the palm of one child-sized hand. My sister thought she looked a bit like a gumdrop, and so her given name was officially Gumdrop, though over the years we began to call her Bun Bun or just Bun for short.

And although she used to bite my ankles and growl at me when I walked by, I still loved her very much.

I could regale you with stories about her life and the funny things she used to do, but that's not the point of this story. Sweet little Gumdrop passed away several years ago, after living a pretty good life for a rabbit. I think about her now and then (I have at least one picture of her in my apartment) and the other night she hopped into my dreams.

The dream was strange (as they usually are) and rather unpleasant, unfortunately. All I remember is her being there in front of me, in a setting I can't place. But it wasn't that she was still alive--in fact, I knew that she wasn't--but it was almost as if I was reliving a memory and knew that I was doing so. I walked up to her and began to pet her. Actually, I began to scratch her on her head, in the little spot between her ears. The dream rabbit acted in a way the real one never did--it squirmed and wriggled very much like a dog would when you scratch behind its ear. The real Bun would have had likely no reaction other than to sit there and look rather unenthusiastic about the whole situation. Yet in the dream, I remember calling out (to no one in particular, maybe to myself, I don't know), "She used to love to be scratched like this! Remember how much she used to love this?"

And then I broke into tears. No, more dramatic than that.

I bawled.

I cried uncontrollably for a pet who had long since passed away. It shook me from my sleep, and I woke with a start. It was the middle of the night, and I was groggy, so I can't recall if I was actually crying in my sleep or not. Probably. It certainly felt like I was, or of not then I was definitely on the verge.

I've noticed that when I dream things that are particularly emotional (whether it be joy, sadness, love, or lust) there is a fragment that sticks with me the entire day, sometimes longer. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but damn if it doesn't feel unusual. It can be very confusing and sometimes disturbing, depending on the content of the dream. It sorta sits in the back of my mind all day, kind of like when there's something important you need to do and you're trying not to forget. I will spend the whole day feeling unusual and not knowing why, only to think about it and realize that it is all because of a stupid dream that didn't really happen. Knowing that doesn't make the feeling go away, though, and five or ten minutes after making the realization I'll go back to feeling strange.

Sometimes this can be good, such as if I have a nice dream about a good friend or someone I haven't seen in awhile. But in this case, it has just left me felt sad all day without any good reason as to why.

It has also left me feeling perplexed as to why I'd have the dream (and the strong emotional response) in the first place. Not that trying to find sense in dreams is really a fruitful endeavor, but if you wake up in the middle of the night in tears its hard not to want to make some sense of it. It isn't as if I'm depressed, and I had a blast on the 4th of July, so even if I was that would have broken any blue funk I might be in. Maybe my body just needed a release. Women sometimes just talk about needing a "good cry". Maybe that's what this was, for me.

Or maybe it was out of empathy for all my friends who are pet owners and who have suffered heartache in a recent rash of pet illness. Get well soon, furry friends, we need you!

Tags: Dreams, Pets, Rabbit, Reflection