Seriously, though, the guy is nuts.

To a certain extent I think all big-time celebrities are a little (or a lot) crazy. Hank Hill put it best when he said, "That boy ain't right."

But perhaps you have been under a rock or on the crapper for the past couple of weeks and are asking, "But Kato, whatever do you mean? How could you say such things of the star of Magnolia? No, no I don't believe it. He also didn't divorce Nicole, they are just, you know, enjoying separate vacations." If this sounds like you, find the nearest wall or high countertop and proceed to repeatedly bang your head against it until your ears start to bleed or you black out. When you come to, I want you to watch the following video of Mr. Cruise going bonkers on Oprah (if this link doesn't work, just Google it, it's everywhere). By comparison, it won't feel as painful.

You'll thank me. I only wish someone had shown me such compassion before I was exposed to it.

I'm all for vehemently expressing your love for someone, but seriously, there is something wrong with this man. Maybe he's not so much man anymore as he is the result of genetic experiments gone totally wrong. Maybe our government was tired of funding Canada's Weapon X Project and felt we could do better than those beaver-lovin' Canucks. A young Thomas Cruise Mapother IV was recruited, possibly against his will, and experimented upon by a super secret branch of the U.S. military. In an attempt to strengthen his frail human form his genetic code was infused with a variety of near-human DNA in the hopes that it would give him strength and agility rivaling the great apes. Unfortunately, it has caused his brain to shrink, reverting to a more primitive state, which has left him susceptible to easy manipulation by pyramid scheme cults. He is now more simian than man. Twisted and craving bananas. It would explain his behavior on Oprah, though. Fortunately they didn't air the part where he was flinging his own feces. Gross, man.

And now he's dragged poor, innocent Katie Holmes into his shadowy den of alien worship. Before the end she will suffer most from Cruise's actions. She's the real life equivalent of Goose from Top Gun, only much hotter. Of course, if I met Tom Cruise in real life, I wouldn't have the guts to tell him he is crazy to his face. No, I'd probably just run up and squirt him with a water pistol. Cause, you know, that's hilarious. At least, maybe, to the British.

Also, it seems apparent that the little censor guy in Tom's head (the one we all have who is supposed to stop of from making us sound like we're retarded) has gone on vacation with most of the rest of his brain.

What Tom hears:
Some people suffer clinical depression and require medication to balance the neurochemicals in their brains.

What Tom thinks:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. I'm half-crazy, all for the love of you....

What Tom says:
DRUGS BAD! VITAMINS GOOOOOOD! RAARRRRR!

Perhaps I'm exaggerating, but that's the impression he gave when he talked to Matt Lauer on the Today show. As relayed by Yahoo news:

When Lauer mentioned Cruise's earlier criticism of Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants, Cruise told the "Today" show co-host he didn't know what he was talking about.

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do," Cruise said.

The interview became more heated when Lauer, who said he knew people who had been helped by the attention-deficit disorder drug Ritalin, asked Cruise about the effects of the drug.

"Matt, Matt, you don't even you're glib," Cruise responded. "You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done."

Check please.

But at least all of this is entertaining. Who knows, Tom may become the next Star Wars Kid phenomenon on the InterWeb. Robin of Chalk Sidewalk passed along to me a very amusing clip which shows what Tom was really doing on Oprah. Perhaps I misjudged him, maybe he was doing us all a favor?

Tags: Comedy, Humor, Tom Cruise, Video