I must say, the death of Pope John Paul II (or Karol Wojtyla, as I knew him) a few weeks ago bummed me out. I mean, he was The Supreme Pontiff, after all. The guy was like a level 30 Pope with a Papal Ring of Detect Evil and a Pope Hat that granted him +5 to Wisdom. Not only that, he had his own ride, the popemobile and, to a lesser extent while he was ailing, the popebulance. I'm telling you, this cat was pimp. I'm pretty certain every time I sinned he could actually feel it, like a voodoo doll, or E.T., or Crimson Guard Commanders Tomax and Xamot from G.I. Joe. But the guy was so hardcore he'd just wince, pray for my soul, and get on with his life. That's the kinda guy Karol was, and the world is gonna miss him.

Now, as sad as his death was, I gotta admit that I kinda got swept up in the hunt for a new pontiff. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've been riding the holy high of Pope Fever for the past two weeks. The intrigue, the politicking, the hot Cardinal-on-Cardinal action: it's been great! I even got this bumper sticker for my car:

I cruise through my 'hood bumpin' Phil Collins' "Jesus He Knows Me" as loud as I can, declaring that yes, I am awash in the excitement of Pope-a-palooza 2005.

When they declared Joseph Ratzinger as new Pope (Benedict XVI) on Tuesday, I was elated. I thought, "Cliff Clavin from Cheers?! The new Pope?! AWESOME!" It was later revealed to me that I was, in fact, thinking of John Ratzenberger, but it's been hard for me to check the elation I've felt over this whirlwind of ecumenical excitement. Still, choosing a German as the next head of the Roman Catholic Church is not exactly what I would have done had I been in the Cardinals' shoes (and had there not been a restraining order). There were a lot of great papal pugilists contending for the Heavyweight Title of Religion, and I'm kinda sad to see some of them go. For those of you who don't know all the players in this crazy game, check out the brackets made by some entrepreneurial young web monkey.

Now certainly Duke's appearance in the Sweet Sistine is no surprise. They're tough every year and their perennial presence during March Madness transcended basketball as they earned themselves a 4 seed and a head-to-head race with South Africa's Wilfrid Fox Napier. But I didn't really want the tenets of Catholicism being overseen by a bunch of lads from the Tar Heel state, so I didn't root Duke on. I was, however, somewhat enamored with the idea of Pope Napier.

The Archbishop of Durban, Wilfrid Fox Napier, would have definitely made for a bangin' pontiff. I mean, c'mon, a black pope. He could claim the name "Pope Urban" and actually be able to back it up! It's hard to wrap my brain around how sweet that would have been. I can just see him getting his stroll on in the Vatican, the sounds of Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" echoing off the 500 year old hallowed walls of the Sistine Chapel. Laid back, with his mind on his tithes and his tithes on his mind. Sermons would be transformed from depressing lectures to funkdafied affirmations of life. The bland swill used as communion wine would be replaced with Cristal (so what if it's not red?) and the traditional response to "Body of Christ" would change from "Amen" to "Fo' shizzle." The moldy old hymnals would be thrown out and replaced with new, updated ones, featuring contemporary classics like Bone thugs-n-harmony's "Tha Crossroads" and "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West. Mass would be off the chain, yo! Unfortunately, just as Bill Clinton was the closest thing to the U.S. having a black President, Cardinal Napier's appearance in the Race For The Papacy was the closest Catholicism will ever get to having an Afro-Pope. Dag.

Another fine choice would have been Dominican Republic All Star Nicolas De Jesus Lopez Rodriguez. Seriously, the dude has Jesus in his name, what more do you want? Plus he'd probably have a wicked long papal name like Pope John Paul Boniface Gregory Pius Clement Innocent Honorious Leo. Sure, he doesn't have any experience with the papal bureaucracy, but he makes up for that with soulful Latin flava! I imagine under his reign we would have witnessed the deification of The Blessed Virgin Mary taken to new heights, with her replacing the somewhat ambiguous (and generally misunderstood) Holy Spirit in the Holy Trinity. In addition, I think we would have seen the gradual phasing out of the Eucharist in its current form in favor of a more flavorful corn tortilla-based host. It would have come with a side of salsa and guacamole. But in all likelihood, Rogriguez lost the race over concerns that he might steal things from the Holy See and, in general, be too lazy to perform his daily duties.

Bombay Bomber Ivan Dias of India would have definitely been a unique figure to sit at the head of the Church. Imagine if you will, Pope Apu, dispensing religious advice like he might dispense an all-syrup Super Squishee.... You know what folks, this one's too easy. I'm gonna stop here; go ahead and make up your own jokes.

Of course none of these folks, not even the Italians (whose Papal reign up until JP2 spanned some 450 years), could win the favor of the College of Cardinals. No, they instead chose Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, who in his teen years was a member of the Hitler Youth.

Yea, that's right, we've got a NAZI Pope.

Okay, in all fairness, membership in the Hitler Youth was required by German law after 1938 (Ratzinger "joined" in 1941). I guess if you have to choose between forced loyalty to the Führer or being lined up in a trench naked and executed, you learn pretty quickly how to goose-step and yell "Heil Hitler!" Even so, you gotta admit, at 78 years old the guy does have an eerie look to him. Kinda like Emporer Palpatine from Star Wars.

With Pope Fever almost devouring my every waking moment (you may have noticed a lack of updates from me recently), I did start to fantasize about what my ideal pontiff would be. Some of you would suggest things like a pope that recognizes women as equal to men and integral to the church. or a pope who sees the value of birth control in the Christian community, or a pope that supports alternative lifestyles as being without sin. Those are all fine and good, but none of you are thinking grand enough. The ideal pope would be an individual of singular courage and determination, with the ability to spit scripture and kick ass like he was manufactured with just that purpose in mind. Sure, the first thing that comes to mind is some sort of Robot Pope, which for all intents and purposes would seriously own, but the fact that robots don't have souls (or freckles) makes it a moot point. No, I'm thinking of something even better, a concept so mindblowingly awesome that it will blow your mind while simultaneously making you crap your pants.

I'm talking about this: A Ninja Pope.

Take a minute to wipe the bits of head off of your monitor, cause I know it probably got everywhere when it exploded. A Ninja Pope would be the coolest thing since, well, since ever. So long as there have been Popes and Ninjas, man has dreamed that one day they would unite into a fighting/faithing force unrivaled by even the most powerful anti-ninja/anti-pope technology. A Ninja Pope is ideal because the Catholic Church really needs someone stealthy who can just sneak right up on evil without it noticing. Evil would be like standing there, probably whistling, maybe enjoying a Shasta, when from out of nowhere drops Ninja Pope with the sound of a katana slicing through the air. Everything would seem fine for a second, then Evil would slowly split in two and fall away, bisected by the Ninja's awesomely sharp Holy Vorpal Blade. Plus I think everyone is tired of having a papacy dominated by blowhards and leaders who just like to hear themselves talk (in like 15 different languages). But Ninjas are very quiet, some may even be mute. When the do speak, however, it is most certainly only the wisest of wise advice, or else they wouldn't break the silence at all. And often times Ninjas use their actions, not their words. to speak.

Of course, it has been pointed out to me that there is a fatal flaw with this Ninja Pope thing. Ninjas fight ALL the time, and during mass the Ninja Pope could flip out and start cutting parishioners' heads off. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

Oh well, not this time, I guess. But then again, Joey Ratz is pretty old, we may be discussing this very issue again a few years from now. Hmm, that gives me just enough time to mobilize my search for a candidate and complete my plans for the Ninja Pope's vehicle of choice: The Papal Rickshaw.
Tags: Catholicism, Humor, Pope