Cleveland Area Weather:April 19, 2005: 81°F, Partly Cloudy.
April 24, 2005: 32°F, 21" Snow.
In Mother Nature's continuing efforts to sodomize my spirits, the temperature dropped 50 degrees coming into this weekend and beautiful sunshine was replaced by endless snowfall. Here we are, a week away from May (
May for chrissake) and I'm out shoveling a foot of snow off of my car. Comedian
Lewis Black on his fantastically funny
"The White Album" has a
great routine about the weather. He starts off talking about the Fall, which is equally applicable to Spring in Ohio:
Fall is here and all I have to say is: fuck Fall! Fall, I hate the Fall, what bullshit....The weather is completely nuts. You never have a proper Fall coat, nothing you wear is right. You wake up, it's sunny out, you put a coat on. You go out, you're sweatin' like a pig. You take it off, then it's cold. It's bullshit. The sun is out, you're sweating, but there's a breeze so you're freezing. It's not weather, it's Malaria. The weather's 90, it's 30, it's 80, it's 20, and my balls can't take it.
He goes on to discuss weird weather, which is kinda how I feel on days like this past weekend:
I knew that the weather in this country was out of control when ten years ago I was in Boston, Massachusetts, and in four days I experienced five seasons. It was 30, it was 60, it was 90, then it was 12! On the last day there was thunder, lightning, and snow, together! And I hadn't done drugs. 'Cause when you're lyin' in bed, and you hear thunder outside and you get up to look, you have an expectation. And it's not snow with lightning behind it. That's fucked up. They don't even write about that kind of weather in the Bible. And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of weather, after he had wiped the poop out of his pants, he'd have told us about it. I was supposed to work that night. I said, "I'm not coming in. I am scared shitless." 'Cause I know what the next season is gonna be: locusts.
I have a small closet just inside my front door. During the Winter, my coat rarely hangs inside. I usually walk in from the outside, take it off, and hang it up on the doorknob to the closet. I figure it really isn't worth the effort putting it on a hanger when I'm just going to have to put it back on again sometime in the next twelve hours. Besides, every time I open that closet there is a chance that I might get wanged on the head (or have my toes crushed) by a falling object, whether it be a bowling ball, a vacuum cleaner, my fake Christmas tree, or some other unwieldy and potentially dangerous object I've shoved in there. If I'm found dead one day, crushed by a large weight that reads "Heavy Lourde", it wasn't murder, just stupidity.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that it was time for the Winter coat to spend its traditional summer at Camp Closet. Even when we had a couple of days in the 50's this month, I refused to bow to Mother Nature's threats, and instead wore layers instead of a coat. So, when I opened my closet on Saturday to prematurely wake Cody McCoat from her slumber, it was kind of an awkward situation.
Coat: (yawning) Wha....what time is it?
Kato: About 2:30 in the afternoon.
Coat: And its November already? It feels like I just got comfortable.
Kato: Uh, well, you see--
Coat: But, hey, a coat's gotta do what a coat's gotta do, right? We're gonna have some kind of crazy winter together, aren't we?
Kato: Look, coat, there's something I have to tell you.
Coat: Sure thing, hon, I'm all pockets. But first, why don't you slip me on, it's been awhile, and I've missed being close to you.
Kato: I don't know how to tell you this, but, it's not exactly Winter yet.
Coat: What do you mean? Why would you wake me if it wasn't time yet?
Kato: Well...
Coat: Oh, I see, you couldn't wait to see me, could you big boy?
Kato: (sighing) Look, this is just a one time thing. I don't want you to make a big deal out of it.
Coat: A one time thing?
Kato: Yea, I need you for a few hours, but then you're going right back in the closet.
Coat: So...what, a little button, zip, thank you miss?
Kato: You make it sound so cheap.
Coat: I thought we had something. I thought I meant more to you than just meaningless protection from the elements.
Koat: Coat, please, don't make this harder than it already is.
Coat: It's that hussy windbreaker you've been seeing, isn't it? Of course it is, I can smell her liner on your clothes. You said she was nothing, just a Spring fling!
Kato: Look, can we just do this please, it's really cold out and I need this from you. Just this once.
Coat: Fine, whatever, but you better get me a really nice hanger or--no, a coat rack! I want to be out here to keep an eye on you all year long.
Kato: Okay, okay, I'll make it up to you, I promise. Hey, whose gloves are these? These aren't mine....
Yea, I have conversations with inanimate objects sometimes, wanna fight about it? I took some pictures (around 7:30pm, Sunday) of the second blizzard of April. Most of them show how crappy it is when it snows at just around freezing: the snow is really heavy and most of the trees are suffering as a result.
- This tree is normally three to four stories tall. Here it is completely doubled over.
- The sidewalk is nowhere to be seen (it's under a foot or two of snow).
- A wide view of the parking lot and various cars covered in snow.
- More trees covered in snow.
- Kids were playing baseball out here just a week ago.
Tags: Humor, Life, Weather
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