The other day I read a news story entitled Woman Denies Sherry Enema Charge. For those of you that missed the befuddling tale of Tammy Jean and Michael Warner and the Magical Wonderful Enema, I have reproduced it here in full:

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A Texas woman indicted last month for allegedly giving her husband a lethal sherry enema said he was an enema addict who did it to himself, a newspaper reported Thursday.

Tammy Jean Warner said late husband Michael Warner had an alcohol problem and enjoyed
giving himself wine or sherry enemas because his body would absorb the spirits more quickly that way.
"That's the way he went out and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas," she told the Houston Chronicle.
Michael Warner, 58, died on May 21 and was found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered too drunk to drive in Texas.
Mrs. Warner, 42, is accused of giving her husband a sherry enema even though she knew alcohol was bad for this health and faces a charge of criminally negligent homicide.
"There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," she said.
Police in Lake Jackson, Texas, 40 miles south of Houston, said there was evidence that Mr. Warner had received two large bottles of sherry.
"It all started back when he was a child," Mrs. Warner explained. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them."
"He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes."
Mrs. Warner, a former bartender who got married to Warner in October 2002, is also charged with destroying his will, but she denied the charge, the Chronicle said.
Currently free on $30,000 bail, she is scheduled to go to trial in July. If convicted, she faces up to two years in prison and a $10,000 fine on each charge.

Something told me my first Blog would have the word enema in it. I just didn't think it would be so soon. The infinite weirdness of this story intrigued me. Bear with me, gentle reader, as I delve into the creepy home life of the Warners.

1. "That's the way he went out and I'm sure that's the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas." First of all, who says that kind of thing? It sounds like the kind of thing someone would say if they lost a bet. Second, would anyone really want to go out that way? I mean I'm all for dying during sex or peacefully in my sleep, or at least something dignified like misfiring a nail-gun into my brain, but this ranks up there with having an embolism while on the crapper. I doubt that, even if I liked it, I would want to die with my pants around my ankles and an assload of sherry. Also, is this the kind of information one would want publicized after their death? I mean, is she gonna put it on his tombstone: "1947-2005. Died the way he lived: with a liquor bottle wedged tightly between his cheeks"? I'd pay money to read the obit.

2. Tammy Jean Warner said late husband Michael Warner had an alcohol problem and enjoyed giving himself wine or sherry enemas because his body would absorb the spirits more quickly that way. If you're going to "ingest" alcohol in that manner, why would you bother to buy something with taste, such as wine, or sherry, especially considering the cost? Wouldn't it make more sense to buy grain alcohol, Zima, or some other cheap swill--it's not like your anus has taste buds. And that's a blessing in disguise, don't you know.

3. Michael Warner, 58, died on May 21 and was found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered too drunk to drive in Texas. Just think, if he had survived he might have become President one day. I think this man has opened up the way for a whole new brand of intoxication: ass drunk. Ass drunk is the state of stupor reached upon ingesting such a large quantity of alcohol over so short period of time that the only way it seems possible to have accomplished such a feet is to have taken it rectally. I can see it becoming a craze at college parties across the nation. Beer bongs are for pussies, the Ass Funnel is where it's at! Although this naturally leads to a lot of speculation about the hygienic risks of such group behavior.
Incidentally, of the states in the union, most weird things happen in Florida or Texas. If it's outside the U.S., it's Germany.

4. "There's no way I could have gave my husband that enema, no way," she said. Ignoring the obvious hillbilliness of that statement ("could have gave"--classic), it makes you wonder what the "because" was. Because she was giving herself one at the same time? Because she would never stick that in there? Because she only does pure spring water enemas? What? Maybe there is a continuum on which she judges her willingness to deliver an enema: wine coolers are okay, but hard liquor--oh no, you're on your own, sicko.

5. "His mother used to give him enemas all the time..." The only time I would ever expect to read this sentence is if someone were relaying to me the family history of a generation of proctologists. Or perhaps if the him in that sentence were some seriously bizarre children's learning toy, "Your First Bowel Care Kit", or other such nonsense. Now I may be overreacting to this story, I've never even experienced rectal thermometry let alone "regular enemas." Do you set aside a specific day for that? No, honey, you can't go out tonight, you're due for your key-lime enema at 8:30--tell Janie you'll take her to the movies some other night. I'd avoid visiting their place for Thanksgiving, you never know where that baster might have been.

6. Police in Lake Jackson, Texas, 40 miles south of Houston, said there was evidence that Mr. Warner had received two large bottles of sherry. Again, I'm just dying to know the details. Did an investigator measure the radius of his dilated sphincter and, coupled with the time of death, naturally concluded that one man would have to have inserted not one but two large bottles of sherry to produce the apparent gapage? Or was it as simple as finding the two empty bottles on the floor nearby and with a cursory investigation being able to satisfactorily conclude that they must have been, well, you know, not taken orally? What's great is that I just know there will either be a Law & Order or C.S.I. based on this case, probably during sweeps. Infotainment.

7. "He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap," she said. "He had enema recipes." What is wrong with this guy? Again, why bother buying the product (coffee) when it seems simpler just to get the caffeine alone. Besides, I've burned my tongue on numerous occasions enjoying a cup, I have to imagine that a burn down there is infinitely more troublesome then not being able to taste your Egg McMuffin. And what's with the soap? That's a level of cleanliness that I think goes above and beyond what's necessary, or maybe I'm just a dirty I-tal. I don't even want to fathom the enema recipe book. It's like something out of a weird Julia Childs meets South Park fetish dream, with Tom Green thrown in for good measure.

8. "Mrs. Warner, a former bartender who got married to Warner in October 2002, is also charged with destroying his will" I direct your attention to the phrase "former bartender." Hmm, well, what could she possibly have done to lose her job as a bartender. Gosh, I can't fathom what one would have to do to lose that position. And one can only imagine what was in the will that she objected too. It seems unlikely that any self-respecting attorney would include the phrase, "Should my death come about as the result of alcohol poisoning from anal ingestion, I leave nothing to my wife and wish to be buried with a vintage sherry."

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Deal with them.

Tags: Enemas, Humor, Oddly Enough